{"id":1106,"date":"2023-07-20T23:20:32","date_gmt":"2023-07-20T22:20:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/?p=1106"},"modified":"2023-07-20T23:20:32","modified_gmt":"2023-07-20T22:20:32","slug":"contracts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/archives\/1106","title":{"rendered":"Contracts"},"content":{"rendered":"

Well it never rains but it pours, especially when the Universe is trying to teach me a lesson. This year has been an intense look at my friendships, where I think things are okay and then have received a stark wake up call to point out things are not quite as I feel.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But today was interesting, a friend who was struggling with me, mentioned something I hadn\u2019t really heard (or listened to?) before. She said I wasn\u2019t vulnerable enough, I was too strong and strident in my opinions, not raw enough.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I feel raw inside. I feel like I absorb the energy of others so much that I am battered and bruised and hauling myself off the floor on a regular basis. But perhaps I don\u2019t show it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Then this afternoon I remembered a contract I made with myself as a teenager. My mother and I were in a terrible place together, communication was slim and often toxic and I can recall, so clearly, committing to not letting my mother see when I was stung by her words.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018She will not know how much she hurts me, I will not give her that power over me.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

Has that contract with my mother, over 30 years ago, stayed with me all this time? Has that part that I shut down, the instinctive response of pain expression, been giving people a different impression of me than I feel inside?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve always been fascinated by people whose faces don\u2019t fully portray their emotions, I find myself staring at them, observing the disconnect between word and expression. Am I one of those? I have to confess I\u2019ve often felt the opposite, that I wished my non verbal communication wouldn\u2019t betray me in the way I sense, but maybe that\u2019s all tied up together. And there again maybe I\u2019ve become good at verbalising my feelings after all these years of personal growth and learning, but when I express my sadness with words, I\u2019m still holding back the emotion so no one can read my heart.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Heart to heart\u2026.. the very best form of communication and one I pride myself on, but maybe not when I feel the need to protect myself, maybe not when I risk feeling hurt.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know how easy it is to write a new contract for myself, especially when I haven\u2019t really been aware of its dominance these decades gone. But I guess I\u2019m going to try\u2026..\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

First published on social media on 9th December 2022<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Well it never rains but it pours, especially when the Universe is trying to teach me a lesson. This year has been an intense look at my friendships, where I think things are okay and then have received a stark wake up call to point out things are not quite as I feel.\u00a0 But today … Continue reading “Contracts”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1107,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,1],"tags":[36,565,552,19,566,231,567],"class_list":["post-1106","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-holistic-health-emotional-healing","category-personal-moments","tag-communication","tag-contracts","tag-friendships","tag-healing","tag-hearttoheart","tag-lessons","tag-raw"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1106","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1106"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1106\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1108,"href":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1106\/revisions\/1108"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1107"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1106"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1106"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/soulreflection.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1106"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}