The big ‘thing’ about parenting is that we’re not really supposed to talk about it too much. Start sharing your own experience and one mother will think they’re doing it all wrong, the other thinks you’re being judgemental! We seem to have permission to moan about how tiring it is and how tough it can feel, but we can’t engage in any real discussion without treading on very thin and treacherous ice. Well, at least, that’s how it feels to me.
And I feel so sad about that because all of us are carrying such beautiful nuggets of wisdom; we are all having these amazing, unique experiences that have the promise to impart gifts of love, healing, knowledge, surrender, joy to ourselves and each other. Too often, hidden behind our fear of doing it wrong and burdened with the overwhelm of advice, we retreat and stop listening to each other.
However, I believe that once we understand our own philosophy, the one that works alongside the beat of our heart; that makes sense; sates the endless questioning, then we have the potential to listen to everyone and simply cherry pick the wisdom that suits our choices. We can then hear each other without fear of judgement and sit quietly welcoming those nuggets and letting the rest flow past.
For me it was truly crystallised when I finally (3 years after becoming a parent) read ‘The Continuum Concept‘ by Jean Liedloff. As with any book that I have read, it is not ‘the answer’ but it put into words where I knew I was already heading and validated my instincts that I had been struggling to follow. Most importantly it gave me an internal place to check my choices against… let me extrapolate.
Firstly, in very simple terms Jean Leidloff studied ‘stone-age’ tribes in South America, i.e. those that have had very little interaction with modern society and are still living in self-contained pockets of the Amazon. What she found most striking was that the babies and young children seemed to be so much calmer, happier and more contented than westernised children. She offers a wealth of advice and explanation in her book, which I do recommend reading, including secure attachment, on demand breastfeeding, cosleeping, but fundamentally she brings it back to Nature, animal instincts.
Nature. That is my philosophy. I really believe in the perfection of nature, I look around in awe at how things grow and propagate, how creatures forage, nurture and survive. I look at myself and how a child grew inside my belly from the smallest of specks to the most perfect of creatures. I am blown away by nature and, in my opinion, nature rocks.
So when I question – would this be right for my baby/child? I take a moment to consider how it might look in an unadulterated environment deep in the Amazon, how other mammals behave and what nature might have intended. When I read that mammals feed their young till they’re a 3rd of their adult size, I no longer worried about the stigma of feeding a 4 year old; when I consider how to treat my children’s sickness, I remind myself how brilliant the body is at handling ailments and I allow it to flow rather than suppress; when I wonder how best to ‘discipline’ my littles, I consider the tribes respect for their children; when I set boundaries, I think about whether it is important for their natural development or simply to ease my day.
Now it is no longer a question of how do I raise my children, but how do I support myself, and them, in honouring the natural way.