Social Commentary – Soul Reflection

The Existential Crisis of Man

There is a current theme amongst the men – the husbands and partners of women that I know; it could be labelled as the classic mid-life crisis except its core is so much deeper and more extensive. I have watched the seeds germinate from those early honeymoon years of engagements, weddings and the birth of our children. This is not just a mid-life moment, this is a full on existential crisis of men that is busting out of the seams of society and is about to explode.

I have been observing it for many years now, how it relates to my personal dynamic and listening to the words of my circle of women, where, often unbeknownst to each other, they repeat the same elements of frustration and despair. The truth is that a deep chasm of depression seems to be the very crux of the issue, which of course can manifest in a multitude of ways: from lethargy & dormancy thought to explosive rage and simmering anger with everything in between; addiction, disconnection, emotional abuse, gas-lighting, narcolepsy, adrenaline chasing, affairs etc. The list goes on and as much as many of these are painful to be around or on the receiving end of, they are just the symptoms of a masculine struggle so deep that it’s hard for me to imagine how they will claw their way out. For women, it is alienating.

I have a theory, without a solution, but important to name nonetheless. I see the beginning of the separation of compassion between the parties at the point of childbirth. We have lost most of the tangible and cultural rites of passage in our society for both sexes but nature has a handle on that for women. When we give birth, we are initiated into motherhood in a way that defies conscious description. I know my husband would say that I changed dramatically at this point in my life and I completely agree. I had to dig deep to reveal my innate and primate strength, my priorities shifted overnight from self-ish concern to embracing the wider picture of holding, love, nourishing and nurturing beyond my personal boundaries – I was no longer the centre of my world and I never would be again. Childbirth is the most empowering and enlightening experience a woman can have and sadly many women are cheated of this process by the interventions and interference our society has created around it but, despite these inhibiting effects, there is no denying that the physical creation of life pushes women to step into themselves – to know themselves; to find the edges of their endurance and to step up to the emotional, physical and spiritual challenges of motherhood.

Where is this moment for men? Where do they get to experience their innate and primal strength? Where do they find the edges of their endurance? Where is their opportunity to feel like they have stepped into their purpose of existence?

In traditional cultures, without the cosseting of modern conveniences, physical survival and protection is the role of the masculine. Hunting for food in harsh environments; facing life & death decision making; protecting the tribe from invasion; creating a space of safety for the women, children and elders. Here there is purpose, here there is meaning and it is infused with personal challenge, the need to step out of self-ish concern, to see the whole picture of community and family, and to face and experience the portals of endurance. It is no wonder that adrenaline adventure is such a draw for the masculine but they still miss the very essence of purpose and selflessness. Facing death just for yourself will not create the shift into enlightenment that slaying a predator, for food or protection to feed and nourish your family and village, will do.

So here we are left with a swathe of men who witness the birth of their children but are not initiated into fatherhood, who struggle to transition from self-centred priorities to encompassing the family needs; who feel the loss of their devoted partners as they, in turn, devote their energies to the young and vulnerable. Men have no true purpose to fill that void and, by the time their partner has energy again to turn back towards them, so often the resentment on both sides has created a chasm of disconnect. The strains of motherhood without the village threaded through with the disempowered man is a recipe for an emotional maelstrom of epic proportions and one that gets deeper and harder and more painful as it continues its endless swirl. Picking up new resentments in the regular tornado of life add to the power of the storm. Our women are suffering, feeling as if they are carrying the burden of it all – the physiological and psychological stretches of motherhood and a depressed partner to boot, however that manifests. Our men are feeling empty, purposeless and redundant.

So what are the solutions? What I do notice is that the therapies of our modern times can only help so much, more of a band aid than a cure. These rites of passage into adulthood and meaning are created by visceral and profound experiences, cognitively knowing this offers momentary understanding but doesn’t actually create a new reality. I have watched as men seek and search for this unknown feeling – this lack – through adrenalin, through talk therapies, men’s work, psychedelics, wealth acquirement. They all can create temporary easing and patches of identity but they don’t seem to stick. The mind cannot trick the body and the body cannot trick the mind.

So I have no solution. Going out to hunt for deer whilst knowing if you fail you can buy a few steaks at the butcher isn’t going to cut it. However, I have been noticing an uprising amongst men discussing how they do feel purposeful and fulfilled in a modern relationship dynamic and it seems to be by finding a way to fulfil some of these traditional roles. Safety seems to be a huge theme. Women seeking it and men feeling initiated by providing it. This will look different for everyone but discovering what makes your family feel physically and emotionally safe reaps rewards for all parties. Mission and meaning for the masculine, breath and space for the overwhelmed feminine, contained and nurturing boundaries for the children and connection, connection, connection between the couple. Safety allows love to flourish. We all carry our traumas but by stepping outside of how that makes the ‘I’ feel, utilising those difficult experiences and channelling them into the creation of an environment of protection and potential breeds its own kind of purpose.

As a woman, I worked hard to ensure my rites of initiation were not stripped from me by our modern constructs, but equally I am not created to journey solo. I need and want partnership and I know the most fulfilling life is creating that ying and yang together, raising our family as a unit and a team. My compassion reaches out to the men struggling with all of this complexity and, more so, for how it manifests in challenging and often frightening ways, and yet we are not about to step back in time to hunter/gatherer dynamics so it is time to seek a new way to walk fully into manhood; to shed the shackles of shame and malaise and step back into the roles you were born for. Let this existential crisis be your portal – find your edge of endurance and come back home.

The Truth About Covid-19

First printed in April 21 and yet already they knew so much including the likely global side effects from the ✌️All of this information has now been even more deeply exposed but this is a great book to understand what has played out over the last three and a half years. With a forward by presidential candidate Robert Kennedy, one of my all time heroes, this is a powerhouse of information, research, knowledge and wisdom.

PS. Please note the great feminist icon who has paved the way for the free for all poisoning and disabling of our children. #baderginsburg

First published on social media on 14th June 2023

Enmeshed

I think that there is, in general, a natural level of enmeshment in any form of psychodynamic relationship, be that parent/child, romantic partner, even close friendship. Whilst there can also be psychodynamics between boss and employee, doctor and patient etc there is less likely to be true enmeshment in these more emotionally separate containers. A Venn diagram comes to mind… the cross overs creating areas of enmeshment where our feelings interact so deeply with each other and are so engaged with responding to each other that it can be hard to separate what is best for the individual at times.

Most recently I’ve been observing enmeshment between parent and child and when this starts to impinge on not just the mental health of the child but also how it impacts the fields of relationships surrounding them.

Both my children tip the balance into enmeshment when I am very sad about something, ironically because I don’t cry very much, when I do it can be overinflated by them into distress for themselves. There is a natural, biological cause for this, as their primary survival post, my unravelling could literally be theirs; so empathy becomes enmeshment when their own feelings are directed by mine. My job is to reassure them through my sadness and show them that my own strength is enough to carry me through rough moments without them feeling like they have to somehow fix it for me.

This example shows the thin veil between our children being beautifully empathetic and potentially unhealthily enmeshed, also highlighting why low level enmeshment is really a natural state between those we have strong psychological attachment to. However, I also see how some of the messaging in the conscious parenting movement can often foster disturbing and unhealthy enmeshment based on the beautiful principles of staying connected with our children’s emotions.

This simple study shows it quite clearly:

(Roles: parent, child, unrelated adult)

Parent warns unrelated adult who is collecting child that child might be disappointed by news of a cancelled event.

Adult collects child, informs child of cancelled event, pragmatically and simply. Child behaves acceptingly and continues in healthy dynamics with other children

Child returned to parent, parent immediately informs child ‘you must be disappointed by the cancellation’

On being told ‘they must be’ disappointed, child reacts as such and moves into a habitual behaviour that signifies their disappointment, including an age inappropriate tantrum and minor violence.

Parent accepts this as normal expression of disappointment and boundaries around their behaviour are loose. Here is a self perpetuating cycle that hinders both parent and child and their mutual relationship. Parent’s too intense concern over disappointment feeds the child, who then ‘proves’ to the parent how desperate their disappointment is. Setting them both up perfectly for the next event that may be disappointing.

Instead if the child were reassured that disappointment is a fact of life and had that feeling simply, briefly and kindly acknowledged, the child would learn great life skills and resilience. Helping them to see that the tantrum and violence were disproportionate to the event equally helps them to learn to measure and scale their emotions appropriately.

As it was the parent felt overwhelmed and struggled with the deep enmeshment of anxiety around their own and the child’s potential feelings, their own history of disappointment (most likely from a childhood wounding) whilst simultaneously experiencing the painfully conflicting discomfort the antisocial behaviour provoked. Other children witnessing were shocked and felt the need to distance themselves from the child, causing social and friendship issues later down the line.

I see examples like this every single day in a school environment; most are transitory, the parent will quickly learn and adjust, whilst a few will deepen into these subconscious ruts within the neurology of both parent and child and go on to create pathological behavioural issues.

The most poignant part for me is that, whilst these upsetting dynamics can be expected within families that are playing out ancient wounds with no awareness or impetus to do it differently, in families making really conscious decisions to break cycles and do the best by and for their children, this enmeshment can often be their blind spot because it’s done with the greatest of intentions to help a child ‘name’ or express their emotions. Under the guise of help and protection, yet ultimately causing harm.

So perhaps conscious parenting needs to be focused more on the consciousness of the parental wounds and how they impact the child rather than over compensating for those scarred parts of us.

As an addendum, I don’t usually write pieces that are focused on another person’s actions or behaviour because it can appear so judgemental and also rarely traces the full picture of events that are always deeply nuanced with the contexts of each person’s soul journey. I make the exception here because I found this particular study so eye opening for myself that it really helped me to look within and explore my own enmeshments across many relationships not least with my children. So I share it here not to shame any parent for doing their best, with all their love and intention, but as the offering it was to me, to look within and raise my consciousness to be more aware of when my wounds prevent another’s own expression and well being.

First published on social media on 30th May 2023

Coronation Conflicts

I grew up a staunch royalist. What wasn’t there to love about the royal family? Even with the obvious drama, it just showed how human they were. And of course there was Diana…. the ultimate real life princess. Fairy tales do come true even the bad bits.

As my eyes have opened to the power dynamics controlling the world, the media, the messaging, I have longed for the royal family to be immune to it all. But I can’t face the truth about everything else and stick my head in the sand about the devastating corruption and dis-ease that permeates it all. They are part of the uber rich, part of the intricate connections that believe they can make the rest of us mere mortals dance under their puppet strings.

So what does this weekend of coronation extravaganza mean to me. I cannot lie, my royalist heart adores the pomp, the glitter, the dream of being that goddamn rich! And faced with the darkness, how do I respond to it all? And here I am torn. It’s just not so clearly black and white. This weekend creates connection, community, national pride, all of which I think hold huge value. I love feeling a common connection with our entire country over one weekend, isn’t the spiritual ideal achieving the understanding of oneness?

And I can hear the excuses in my head too, truly if everything I have heard about the royals is true, surely I cannot condone a single thing done in their name? But I think that’s the nub of it for me, I’m just not completely convinced; do I think Kate is part of some dark underworld? Or do I think she’s doing her work with the best of intentions which may also have links to a dark underworld? A bit like the doctors during Covid, most of them working with the best of intention despite the harm they were causing. But I didn’t clap for them….

I guess these are the complexities of human nature and I have to accept my own hypocrisy within it all. As always it gives me greater compassion for those that I judge to be hypocritical. I’m not pledging allegiance to the King but I did wear red, white and blue and attend a local event and truth be told I still shop from Amazon too!

First published on social media on 7th May 2023

When Our Best Is Good Enough

I love how the universe aligns conversations and events so perfectly. Yesterday, I had a longed for and wonderful catch up with a dear dear friend who lives so far away. Our times together are the utmost precious and always nonstop chatter. We were discussing our children and sharing the similarities in personalities, the challenges they bring and more pertinently how we help them navigate the world.

We were reflecting on how society places such high value on the No.1, top spot, highest rank etc. If you’re not THE best are you really good enough? And ultimately how unhealthy that feels and what a pressure it is on our children. We both have kids that can coast and rest on their very competent laurels that sometimes need a push to fulfil their personal potentials. But we also have children who can offer their very best and are not always recognised for that because despite the hard work and effort it doesn’t take them to that perceived top spot. And that’s hard to watch, the ranking is irrelevant to me, but it’s painful to see them overlooked for a simple acknowledgement of their intense efforts.

This week was all about that for one of mine, a football camp that he was passionate about attending. Pushing himself further socially than I have even known him do. Five hours a day for four days, football everything. And I knew he was giving it his absolute all. Each day he came home and mentioned that there might be a medal at the end of the camp, a trophy even for just one kid in each group. Modestly, he didn’t expect the trophy, but wishing at least for a medal.

And the final moment came where every child received a medal and the trophies were handed out. They praised the child about to receive it for their solid attendance, their constant hard work, their respectful attitude towards the coaches and their overall improvement. And he was honoured! Was he the very best technical player there?Probably not, but what a beautiful inspiration for him to be seen for all that he brought and all that he is. He said he felt like he was in a dream and I’m not sure that he’s stopped smiling since.

In a world dominated by having to be the best over others, what a breath of fresh air for the best of ourselves to be celebrated instead. When our best is good enough.

First published on social media on 7th April 2023

The Witch Trial of JK Rowling

When I was pregnant, I talked to my midwife about due dates and their influence on a woman’s expectation for the birth of her child. She very simply explained that a due date is on a bell curve, the average being around 39-40 weeks but a healthy child can easily be born at 36 weeks and 43 weeks without any issues at all. The medical construct defines this tight two week window without allowing for the natural differentials on either side and that creates pressured consequences that negatively affect the birthing empowerment of women.

Life is this. Most things fall at the height of the bell curve but there are always differentials on either side. Gender identity is one of those things. I get that there are some people who fall on the outside of their natal gender and wish to recognise themselves as such, I am not denying this reality, nor holding judgement around their choices. More than that, it’s important to honour and support those individuals.

This also feels very different to the trans agenda which is happening in real time in our current society. I have very serious concerns about our children’s mental health and well-being when trans ideology is being pushed into their awareness without understanding the delicate psychology of children and teens. Compounded by the cognitive dissonance that seems to allow biological males identifying as women to compete in sports, added to the freedom for predators to identify however they like and enter single sex spaces which previously offered security and sanctuary. This is what JK Rowling has been discussing.

And she discusses it brilliantly. She is thoughtful, reasoned, educated and measured. There is not an ounce of malice, contempt or actually anything except beautiful humanitarian concern for all parties.

But where has our society reached when the abuse and threats she is receiving are heartbreaking and sickening all because there are some so invested in their narrative that they cannot actually hear the truth of what is being spoken? What has happened when those who claim they need love and protection are spitting bile and hatred?

I do hold my own opinions on some of what is going on with this issue. I stand by the bell curve analogy but I also think there is a huge trauma and mental health element to much of the current vogue for gender identifying. If my child were starving herself, I would be negligent to allow her to identify as fashionably thin and ignore the physical and mental health issues creating this situation. For many cases of gender dysphoria this is what is happening: an acceptance of a new identity rather than acknowledging and facing the pain and trauma that is the cause of this symptom.

Am I a transphobe because of this? Should I be a target for the abuse that has been laid at too many people’s feet for having an opinion about these issues? My passions include trauma healing and childhood wellbeing. I want someone to feel the very best in their own skin, I want our children to have the childhoods they so deserve that help create adults who feel good about themselves. They are integrally entwined.

Some of that means speaking up and challenging things that are currently accepted by society like ‘trans women are women’. Trans woman are deserving of every human right and kindness, like every human, but I won’t agree that they are women AND they also have the right to think and proclaim that they are. Love, healing, understanding, compassion and, like the very best of parenting, boundaries and respect, these are the tools we need to embrace. But most urgently of all is the grace to allow everyone a different opinion. I can get enraged by someone else’s viewpoint, I can question their morality and judgement, but I cannot take away their right to hold it and unless they are actually harming someone (and I don’t mean offending someone) I will not do anything to stop them expressing that. That is surely the bottom line for a free society?

So I put out this blog, with a genuine risk of attack, to encourage everyone to listen to this incredible series of podcasts which are truly educational and also vitally important. And I stand for my right to my own voice and opinion as I stand for everyone’s.

#istandwithjkrowling #thefreepress #spotify

As an addendum, I rejected the label of feminist a number of years ago because of the negative impact it was having on family values in society and, with that, the well-being of young children. I can’t say that I’m ready to reclaim it but JK Rowling’s stance as a feminist is the most inclusive and expansive I have heard and I am drawn rather than repelled by it. She certainly has my solidarity.

First published on social media on 18th March 2023

Kingsblood Royal

I don’t even remember how I chose books from my father’s shelf when I had just a few hours to pick things from his house in memory of him, but as I slowly read through the pile nearly ten years later, I know I was guided by angels because each read is so rich and important.

This is fiction, and I rarely post about those, but it is a work of such beautiful intensity and on such an important subject that I wish the whole world could get the chance to read it.

Set towards the end of the Second World War in the the northern states of America it explores racism, segregation and morality. The Northern States legally don’t have segregation and technically discrimination shouldn’t be allowed, so compared to the southern states, still deep in segregation, the white populace feel proudly generous and liberal in their hearts. That is until one of their own, a genteel, middle class white man discovers one of his ancestors was not only an exciting, pioneering adventurer but also black.

In those days, any trace of blood in a person’s heritage, no matter how far back, labelled you a person of colour. So here we have the story of how this chap processes this information in himself, this incredibly beautiful and humbling inner journey he makes to feel proud of his ancestor, his people and his blood; how he takes steps to educate himself on his own prejudices and listens to the local black community to hear their own stories. The array and complexities of characters means we meet opinions and viewpoints from every angle, really highlighting the humanness of a thousand opinions even within one cause of personal freedom. Added to this we face the backlash from his friends, family and community when they discover his ancestry, for which he refuses to hide, and see the ignorance and cruelty that comes from an indoctrination of prejudice.

The protagonist is an absolute hero, despite numerous opportunities to hide this history, that no one could ever guess at, he stands tall and proud even at the point of lynching.

Kingsblood Royal was an important novel that positively influenced the start of the Civil Rights Movement and I can see why. I feel far better educated on the vast threads that weave through our society that form the crucial layers for understanding racism and its impacts. And what I feel more deeply, is how the trauma of these times reverberates now, causing sensitivity and triggers that can seem over compensatory relative to our current society but hit ancestral wound after ancestral wound.

I cannot imagine living in that era, which was still in living memory for some, when black people were treated as less than human. It hearts my heart to place myself in that society, from all the angles and perspectives we see in this book, and wonder how I would have behaved with whatever upbringing I might have had. I hope, whichever side, whichever culture, I would have had the courage to stand with humanity and love but I can see how easy it was to think the wrong thing was right in the ignorance of middle class society and in the righteousness of painful discrimination. There is no simple black or white here, excuse the awkward pun, but the fundamentals are, and always will be, compassion, humanity and understanding.

An outstanding read.

First published on social media on 5th March 2023

Reclaiming My Body

I have been listening to the searingly honest, heart opening & breaking podcast (on Psilocybin) by Honestly Elizabeth and much of her experience resonates for me on so many planes.

One of the things it really crystallised was how much the sexual abuse by my father disassociated me from my body. When I reflect back on later abuses and relationships, I can see clearly how I would so often reach a point of coercion; when someone wanted more from me than I really wanted to give, in both consensual and non consensual situations, I could observe my spirit step back and allow my body to be taken. The subtlety of this is hard to describe and I think in many, if not most, of these scenarios, the man could be forgiven for believing that I had given permission rather than simply acquiescing, which would be more accurate.

My body was a trade, I gave it, it appeased. I think this is why the ‘me too’ movement is so complex. I believe many many women surrender to appease rather than truly give permission but how can someone know that? I cannot blame all the men, certainly there were some at fault, pushy, domineering, scary even, but there were other who were sweet and thoughtful, who simply triggered my neuro-programming to submit, as my father had taught me.

Part of my healing today is to fully reclaim my body as mine, to integrate it as an essential part of my whole. And, as is so often the case when trying to restore balance, a counter weight is required. Now, I need absolute trust, safety and respect before I can consider offering my sacred self. And I also teach my children that sharing their bodies with anyone, when they reach that age and stage of life, is a sharing of spirit and how important it is to be in loving and trusting energy with that person.

Our society devalues sexual intimacy at great cost to our souls and it perpetuates this separation of body and spirit. The current vogue of early sexualisation of children, through media, fashion, wokism et al, is truly horrifying and when measured as a splintering of soul connection can only be classed as abuse.

I only hope that a much needed and aching return to family values blossoms and this part of our lives, as a society, will also be restored to a healthier, happier connection before much more damage is perpetrated against our innocents.

And as I reconnect my splintered parts, may that be mirrored into the world and draw together those elements that need healing and connecting for all of humanity.

First published on social media on 6th February 2023

Latticed Leadership

I was recently asked what my ideas were for a new government structure as I was so disparaging about our current western setup. And it’s made me think more deeply about my vision and wish to write it down for clarity and expansion.

Twenty years ago, I read The Aquarian Conspiracy by Marilyn Ferguson and she describes the paradigm shift from hierarchical governance to net or latticed leadership. It made sense to me then and even more sense to me now.

Because now I have actual experience of it. Our children’s Steiner school is run in this way, there is no head teacher but instead a college created by a selection of teachers, refreshed yearly by those who wish to step into the circle.

Not one person makes a decision for the school, everything is discussed and looked at alongside the philosophy and foundation of the school’s and Steiner’s teachings. There are plenty of differing opinions and yet somehow a decision is found, by the intention they all share, which is what is best for the school and our children.

Of course I am not privy to these meetings and I have no idea how easy or hard it can be to reach these satisfactory conclusions but I can tell you what it is like from the outside. I can tell you that there is sometimes frustration that we don’t have instant answers but have to wait for the weekly college meeting (but isn’t that just part of our insane instant gratification model of society?) yet equally it gives us the opportunity to approach any college member with our views or issues, rather than just one person who may not resonate with our personality.

I can tell you that during these past years of crazy, it was amazing to feel the college work hard to accommodate the broad range of fears and needs of both teachers and families rather than a dictate from one ego. It meant that our children survived their disrupted schooling with far less disorder than any other school I have witnessed.

And it makes sense. Why is leadership defined by one person? Why do we have health ministers that epitomise ill health in themselves and have no clue about the value of true wellness? Why do we have education ministers that know only the experience of their own schooling and nothing beyond that narrow border? Why do we have transport ministers that only want a foot in the door of government and so accept this tedious position with no thought to the environmental, social and retail impacts of their infrastructure. I could go on and on…. The leaders of our country are leaders because, more often than not, a bullish charm has pushed them ahead of their peers, not a passion for their subject or indeed, the subjects of society.

What if we completely rethought what a government is? Not a small shift, not proportional representation or any such minor shuffle, but a throw it all up in the air and create something utterly new.

Rishi, Liz, Kier, Boris… they are all cut from the same cloth. I want our country to be held by a circle of experts, passionate about their knowledge and their wish to grow the humanity of our society. A lattice, with no overall leader, but held by a movement of wisdom and expertise, intentionally conscious of the needs of our country and our people, wrapping us safely in the strength of their expansive connections and web.

Can you imagine that?

First published on social media on 30th October 2022

Sovereignty

First time abroad in 3 years. Never did I surrender the sovereignty of my body or that of my children. We took no poison; we refused invasion and toxicity of testing; our faces, communication and breath were never hindered by suffocating cloth. We were prepared to miss the travelling that we all love for as long as it took for us to be able to move about with freedom.

And now we are here, feeling the sun on our bodies and the salt of the water as we bathe. Exploring, visiting, travelling.

Freedom is most definitely worth fighting for.

First published on social media on 19th August 2022