Category: Holistic Health & Emotional Healing

Distorted Reflection

My homeopath (aka my well of mother wisdom and unconditional love) told me that I need to strengthen my boundaries when experiencing negative or critical attack. 

And she is completely correct, except I have this huge voice inside me that says ‘don’t be so arrogant as to deflect criticism without first owning what is yours’. I believe in the principle that what is in existence in my life is a reflection of some part of myself, so if I am receiving negativity I have a part to play. 

What I realise today is how I have distorted that reflection, no different to the waves across a pond turning clear lines into surrealist images when the stone hits the surface. In the film Pretty Woman, Julia Robert’s character says ‘The bad stuff is easier to believe, ever noticed that?’ and I think that is a default for most humans but certainly there are those, like myself, where my parental conditioning makes ‘the bad stuff’ feel like the ‘truth’. 

I have focused recently on the bad stuff, why is this happening to me, what have I done?The usual self doubt. But despite an overwhelming smothering of love, support, reassurance and validation from a wonderful and significant circle of friends, I have only studied the reflection of the bad stuff. 

The majority of ‘feedback’ in my life is positive, 97%, and I laugh when I hear myself say internally, but they’re your friends, of course they’re going to be nice about you! As if it doesn’t count. Somehow they are biased and can’t see me straight. Therefore the critic is the one whose opinion holds more weight. What a distorted reflection!

I have one friend who is utterly glorious in every which way, I could cry when I think of her loving generosity of spirit and kindness and she was recently psychically taken down by a total nutbag (IMO) and I wanted to shake her and cuddle her and fill up right back up to the top with love. How could she possibly let this person make her doubt her own gloriousness….. and then I see myself in her too. 

I do get psychically taken down, I do have my inner child believing I am fundamentally bad and difficult and when people realise they will turn their back on me, just like my parents. My Now Self knows I’m a good, loving and conscientious person with all the natural flaws of humanity, but I clearly have some work to do on rewiring that inner child and the first thing I’m going to do is make sure she is listening to the 97% and maybe I’ll get her some ear defenders for that other 3%! 

So yes it’s important to contemplate what is being reflected back to us in our lives, where we can grow and learn but it is more important to check if the reflection is clear or distorted by our own trauma or conditioning. 

One amazing thing this past year has highlighted is how I am so profoundly grateful to my friends who shine my light for me when I am wandering in the dark. They guide me back home to my true self, flawed and perfect, just like them. 

First published on social media on 9th July 2023

The Truth About Covid-19

First printed in April 21 and yet already they knew so much including the likely global side effects from the ✌️All of this information has now been even more deeply exposed but this is a great book to understand what has played out over the last three and a half years. With a forward by presidential candidate Robert Kennedy, one of my all time heroes, this is a powerhouse of information, research, knowledge and wisdom.

PS. Please note the great feminist icon who has paved the way for the free for all poisoning and disabling of our children. #baderginsburg

First published on social media on 14th June 2023

Enmeshed

I think that there is, in general, a natural level of enmeshment in any form of psychodynamic relationship, be that parent/child, romantic partner, even close friendship. Whilst there can also be psychodynamics between boss and employee, doctor and patient etc there is less likely to be true enmeshment in these more emotionally separate containers. A Venn diagram comes to mind… the cross overs creating areas of enmeshment where our feelings interact so deeply with each other and are so engaged with responding to each other that it can be hard to separate what is best for the individual at times. 

Most recently I’ve been observing enmeshment between parent and child and when this starts to impinge on not just the mental health of the child but also how it impacts the fields of relationships surrounding them. 

Both my children tip the balance into enmeshment when I am very sad about something, ironically because I don’t cry very much, when I do it can be overinflated by them into distress for themselves. There is a natural, biological cause for this, as their primary survival post, my unravelling could literally be theirs; so empathy becomes enmeshment when their own feelings are directed by mine. My job is to reassure them through my sadness and show them that my own strength is enough to carry me through rough moments without them feeling like they have to somehow fix it for me. 

This example shows the thin veil between our children being beautifully empathetic and potentially unhealthily enmeshed, also highlighting why low level enmeshment is really a natural state between those we have strong psychological attachment to. However, I also see how some of the messaging in the conscious parenting movement can often foster disturbing and unhealthy enmeshment based on the beautiful principles of staying connected with our children’s emotions. 

This simple study shows it quite clearly: 

(Roles: parent, child, unrelated adult)

Parent warns unrelated adult who is collecting child that child might be disappointed by news of a cancelled event. 

Adult collects child, informs child of cancelled event, pragmatically and simply. Child behaves acceptingly and continues in healthy dynamics with other children 

Child returned to parent, parent immediately informs child ‘you must be disappointed by the cancellation’

On being told ‘they must be’ disappointed, child reacts as such and moves into a habitual behaviour that signifies their disappointment, including an age inappropriate tantrum and minor violence. 

Parent accepts this as normal expression of disappointment and boundaries around their behaviour are loose. Here is a self perpetuating cycle that hinders both parent and child and their mutual relationship. Parent’s too intense concern over disappointment feeds the child, who then ‘proves’ to the parent how desperate their disappointment is. Setting them both up perfectly for the next event that may be disappointing. 

Instead if the child were reassured that disappointment is a fact of life and had that feeling simply, briefly and kindly acknowledged, the child would learn great life skills and resilience. Helping them to see that the tantrum and violence were disproportionate to the event equally helps them to learn to measure and scale their emotions appropriately. 

As it was the parent felt overwhelmed and struggled with the deep enmeshment of anxiety around their own and the child’s potential feelings, their own history of disappointment (most likely from a childhood wounding) whilst simultaneously experiencing the painfully conflicting discomfort the antisocial behaviour provoked. Other children witnessing were shocked and felt the need to distance themselves from the child, causing social and friendship issues later down the line. 

I see examples like this every single day in a school environment; most are transitory, the parent will quickly learn and adjust, whilst a few will deepen into these subconscious ruts within the neurology of both parent and child and go on to create pathological behavioural issues. 

The most poignant part for me is that, whilst these upsetting dynamics can be expected within families that are playing out ancient wounds with no awareness or impetus to do it differently, in families making really conscious decisions to break cycles and do the best by and for their children, this enmeshment can often be their blind spot because it’s done with the greatest of intentions to help a child ‘name’ or express their emotions. Under the guise of help and protection, yet ultimately causing harm. 

So perhaps conscious parenting needs to be focused more on the consciousness of the parental wounds and how they impact the child rather than over compensating for those scarred parts of us. 

As an addendum, I don’t usually write pieces that are focused on another person’s actions or behaviour because it can appear so judgemental and also rarely traces the full picture of events that are always deeply nuanced with the contexts of each person’s soul journey. I make the exception here because I found this particular study so eye opening for myself that it really helped me to look within and explore my own enmeshments across many relationships not least with my children. So I share it here not to shame any parent for doing their best, with all their love and intention, but as the offering it was to me, to look within and raise my consciousness to be more aware of when my wounds prevent another’s own expression and well being.

First published on social media on 30th May 2023

A Cautionary Tale

I am currently caught up in a dynamic where someone has decided that I’m bad. So much so that no matter what I say, don’t say, do, don’t do I can see them weave the information to fit their story of how they are perceiving me right now. 

Ultimately there is nothing I can do to shift their perspective and it’s their prerogative to feel their feelings. But whilst mulling it over recently I saw how easily and often this happens; where one discomfort or upset leads to the write off of an entire personality. 

I have been guilty of this myself but having it done to me in such clear terms where I know I can only fail, no matter which choice or action I take is a beautiful cautionary tale to absorb. I feel determined to remember the good parts even when I’m struggling with someone’s flaws (or perhaps just my judgement and perception of them after all!). 

I have always preached it to my children, that a difficult personality trait or behaviour does not define an entire human but this personal lesson really inspires me to try to separate the issue from the soul. I might still choose to walk away from a friendship or relationship because of certain events but I am determined to be more mindful that I don’t colour their entire being with a tarnished brush, particularly when I have known or loved previous parts of them. 

We were all once just the most delicious perfect little babies and that core essence remains in everyone. So as much as triggers and clashes will inevitably happen in life, seeing the gold behind each shadow is a heartening and uplifting state to be in and one that I intend to put into good practice. 

First published on social media on 17th May 2023

Ho’oponopono

One of my experiences over my decades of healing and evolving was visiting a spiritual healer recommended by someone I’d crossed paths with. It all feels ages ago and I sadly can’t even remember her name but I do remember her beautiful energy. She offered the kindest heart and I felt so held and seen by her…. Just that was so healing in and of itself. She also introduced me to Ho’oponopono, although it was something she facilitated for me rather than me taking it home as another tool in my belt.  

And now this philosophy has found its way back to me in the way these things do, in this little book packed with a jumble of thoughts and ideas. I don’t love the way the book is written, ironically the energy of the writers (there are 3) didn’t really resonate but the power of the shamanic Ho’oponopono principles rise above any jarring text. 

Mantras and phrases have really worked for me over the years when rewiring my neuroprogramming, repeating words to replace the negative patterns in my head  and quickly creating key words that can switch me from fear to love. Ho’oponopono is just this: ‘I’m sorry, forgive me, thank you, I love you.’

Understanding the intention of each word, apologising for bringing our past experiences into colour the present; forgiving ourselves for these easy and habitual mistakes; grateful for the gifts each of these moments can bring; and love for ourselves, each other and divinity itself. How powerful, how simple, how easy to implement. 

With each difficult moment, with each judgement, to repeat the words, to feel the intention, to rewire our brains. This is a possibility for everyone.  

First published on social media on 30th April 2023

German New Medicine, GNM

German New Medicine (GNM) was first mentioned to me about 6/7 years ago and it immediately rang a chord. A principle of medicine directly correlating emotional events to our health crises.

I had connected the dots of health and emotions well over twenty years ago when I began healing myself from PCOS and the other linked gynaecological issues, but I had a limited framework that made translation to the lay person a fraught task. Many immediately defensive and rejecting of these associations not wanting to imagine that they have ‘brought on these events themselves’. 

So I saved this new name in my head and placed it aside whilst I swam through the swamp of early childhood parenting, with little enough energy to stay awake past kids’ bedtime, let alone dive into the depths of a new healing modality. 

But of course, synchronicity, need and the Universe called me back to it all and I’ve just spent the last couple of months reading up on the subject. I have not been disappointed and for sure my family are bored to tears at the repetition of my words with each new conversation with friends! I’m telling everyone who wants to listen! 

In a tiny nutshell, each personal emotional conflict (which is different and scaled for each person) can create a primordial defensive reaction in our bodies. This is immediately marked in our brains (verifiably on MRI) and processed in the appropriate space in our body: finger, heart, ovary, ankle etc. Each space representing a different emotional need. Each event an attempt to heal the emotional shock through our physical body. As the healing progresses, the markers in our brain diminish and the body reaction eases but too often we get over involved in the symptom and create that into a concern rather than an understanding of healing. 

Of course there is so much nuance and complexity to this process; my words barely do it justice. And it is something that is so important to understand for oneself – healing comes from our own personal autonomy, knowledge and power. 

So I am sharing the books here as recommendations as I found it quite tricky to know where to start. Some were more helpful than others. 

  1. I would say the best place to start, anecdotal and easy to read and absorb.  
  2. A deeper look but still accessible, with more in-depth understanding of certain illness
  3. A great pamphlet explaining the science and biology of it. More technical 
  4. This one has lots of fabulous info and also goes into the ancestral lineage of ill health, for more chronic diseases and family emotional patterns 
  5. A great dictionary to look up the various diseases and areas of the body and their emotional patterns. 
  6. More of a proving of the theories, which has its value especially for those that need facts. 

In conclusion, GNM has provided the science to back up my own personal understanding after all these years and I will be fully integrating it into our family as a foundation for fearless and vital health. 

First published on social media on 19th April 2023

Rageful

My husband and I are at THAT mid-life stage. There is a lot of emotional turmoil in many of our friends’ relationships, the cusp of divorces or other challenging consequences, and we ourselves are certainly far from immune to feeling the spiritual demands of these years. 

One of the messages my husband keeps bringing home from his friends is how they feel they have coped with their wives as they have journeyed through the menopause and a recurrent theme is that they were ‘crazy and rageful’. 

Now I am sceptical about this description for so many reasons but I also understand that many men just don’t understand the process, cycles and energy of women. We can be an enigma to them and there is dual responsibility here, the women can help men unravel their waves and cycles (though to be fair, many women are also disconnected from our ancient wisdom and wild power via modern societies demands so aren’t always able to explain or fully understand their own patterns) and the men can be willing to try and learn about this wisdom too, rather than simply dismissing it as crazy or unpredictable. 

I am not an expert but I certainly know that a few days before my menses there is only a fine veil between my patience and frustration. The rest of the month I can walk through fields of graciousness, but annoy me close to my bleed and it’s just a tiny ditch away from anger. It is not irrational, there is always a valid trigger, it’s just that the comparison of how I communicate and resolve that annoyance is a chasm away from the rest of the time. So I understand that men can receive that as too different to process. 

Now brining this to the menopause, I myself have begun to have disrupted cycles. This month I am already ten days over my usual date and that window of short fuse is stretching into a full conservatory. I suddenly realise how this is being received by the masculine, that odd day of ‘crazy’ that can be quickly forgotten or forgiven each month is stretching and elongating. That ditch is being jumped back and forth on too many occasions and when will it end? What if I don’t bleed for months? Will I still feel this premenstrual angst for the entire time? 

And it has purpose. Just like it did for every regular cycle I have had for the last thirty something years. Would I describe myself as rageful? Nope. But I’m certainly less gracious right now. I’m less willing to put up with my notion of bullshit, I’m less patient, I need authenticity, directness and clean communication. Is that wrong? Could that be positive? I believe so. 

Not knowing when this will end, I can’t just check out, read books, take baths and try all my previous ploys to navigate those one or two days of lore. I have to learn to adapt and adjust but I’m also not going to be labelled as negatively rageful when I know the root of my energy is power. I will learn to channel it and honour it as I step into this new era of my life. I am moving into a time where I have the greatest energetic potential, so it’s no wonder that the transformation is fiery. Call it rageful if you must but I will reclaim that word and alchemise it into gold.  

First published on social media on 15th April 2023

Whatever Arises Love That

I picked this book off the top of my pile in January, read two pages of the introduction and put it down again. I did not want to love whatever arises because what had just arisen the previous month was painful and upsetting. So I went back to my fiction pile and read four in a row! 

And then I picked it up again last week… I begin with ambivalence, moved onto passionately loving it, decided I wasn’t quite sure about it, back to ambivalence and then ending with a fondness and appreciation. I can well imagine that if Matt Kahn reads this blog he will giggle as he recognises my ego poking out to resistance and creating this pattern. 

There is a lot of permission in this book to not have to spirituality override the tough feelings and I like that a lot because…. Human. 

And yet I still felt the pressure of gracious non-reacting to challenges (and yes, I know love that feeling too!) as my ultimate spiritual goal. Which of course it is, but also maybe when I’m 90. The truth is I don’t know whether I believe our human life is about achieving this state or whether that’s just my ego in resistance again. I personally feel like our human experience is raw and real and we get to be godly and gracious a lot in between lives and whilst I wholly agree in loving all the feelings, most especially the messy and unwanted ones, I don’t think I’m going to make it to zen master in the next 40 years. Can I sit still and listen with love when someone is telling me that it’s cool to jab kids with experimental poison? Nah! Part of my purpose in this world is to speak up, to challenge, to confront. Can I learn to do it better? One thousand percent. And with that, there are tonnes of wonderful guides and pointers that this book offers. (The photos show just a snippet.)

Do I think we are awakening to a new consciousness? Absolutely! Though will it be all high vibe? I’m not so sure. For me, humanness is about opposing forces, leaning about the Ying and Yang, experiencing the polarities to deepen our universal wisdom and understanding. I love books, like this, that help me meet all of those with the best possible energy and I also resist the intention to end up passively loving ALL that arises. 

In toto, full of delights and insights, and whatever your view on our human experience, there’s never any harm in leaning how to love better. Thanks Matt for a beautifully confronting read. 

First published on social media on 23rd February 2023

Reclaiming My Body

I have been listening to the searingly honest, heart opening & breaking podcast (on Psilocybin) by Honestly Elizabeth and much of her experience resonates for me on so many planes. 

One of the things it really crystallised was how much the sexual abuse by my father disassociated me from my body. When I reflect back on later abuses and relationships, I can see clearly how I would so often reach a point of coercion; when someone wanted more from me than I really wanted to give, in both consensual and non consensual situations, I could observe my spirit step back and allow my body to be taken. The subtlety of this is hard to describe and I think in many, if not most, of these scenarios, the man could be forgiven for believing that I had given permission rather than simply acquiescing, which would be more accurate. 

My body was a trade, I gave it, it appeased. I think this is why the ‘me too’ movement is so complex. I believe many many women surrender to appease rather than truly give permission but how can someone know that? I cannot blame all the men, certainly there were some at fault, pushy, domineering, scary even, but there were other who were sweet and thoughtful, who simply triggered my neuro-programming to submit, as my father had taught me. 

Part of my healing today is to fully reclaim my body as mine, to integrate it as an essential part of my whole. And, as is so often the case when trying to restore balance, a counter weight is required. Now, I need absolute trust, safety and respect before I can consider offering my sacred self. And I also teach my children that sharing their bodies with anyone, when they reach that age and stage of life, is a sharing of spirit and how important it is to be in loving and trusting energy with that person. 

Our society devalues sexual intimacy at great cost to our souls and it perpetuates this separation of body and spirit. The current vogue of early sexualisation of children, through media, fashion, wokism et al, is truly horrifying and when measured as a splintering of soul connection can only be classed as abuse. 

I only hope that a much needed and aching return to family values blossoms and this part of our lives, as a society, will also be restored to a healthier, happier connection before much more damage is perpetrated against our innocents. 

And as I reconnect my splintered parts, may that be mirrored into the world and draw together those elements that need healing and connecting for all of humanity. 

First published on social media on 6th February 2023

Contracts

Well it never rains but it pours, especially when the Universe is trying to teach me a lesson. This year has been an intense look at my friendships, where I think things are okay and then have received a stark wake up call to point out things are not quite as I feel. 

But today was interesting, a friend who was struggling with me, mentioned something I hadn’t really heard (or listened to?) before. She said I wasn’t vulnerable enough, I was too strong and strident in my opinions, not raw enough. 

I feel raw inside. I feel like I absorb the energy of others so much that I am battered and bruised and hauling myself off the floor on a regular basis. But perhaps I don’t show it. 

Then this afternoon I remembered a contract I made with myself as a teenager. My mother and I were in a terrible place together, communication was slim and often toxic and I can recall, so clearly, committing to not letting my mother see when I was stung by her words. 

‘She will not know how much she hurts me, I will not give her that power over me.’

Has that contract with my mother, over 30 years ago, stayed with me all this time? Has that part that I shut down, the instinctive response of pain expression, been giving people a different impression of me than I feel inside? 

I’ve always been fascinated by people whose faces don’t fully portray their emotions, I find myself staring at them, observing the disconnect between word and expression. Am I one of those? I have to confess I’ve often felt the opposite, that I wished my non verbal communication wouldn’t betray me in the way I sense, but maybe that’s all tied up together. And there again maybe I’ve become good at verbalising my feelings after all these years of personal growth and learning, but when I express my sadness with words, I’m still holding back the emotion so no one can read my heart. 

Heart to heart….. the very best form of communication and one I pride myself on, but maybe not when I feel the need to protect myself, maybe not when I risk feeling hurt. 

I don’t know how easy it is to write a new contract for myself, especially when I haven’t really been aware of its dominance these decades gone. But I guess I’m going to try….. 

First published on social media on 9th December 2022