The Healing Gift of CoSleeping

During my first pregnancy, I read a lovely book called Baby Bliss by Dr Harvey Karp which was full of gentle natural soothing tips for newborns and, detailing the 4th Trimester Theory, why our little ones need such strong attachment in those early months. I clearly remember discussing it with my midwife afterwards and saying that although it all made lots of natural sense, the cosleeping might be a bit too far for me.

There were many reasons for this, largely fear about hurting my baby, but also a big emotional message about how unhealthy this would be for my relationship and perhaps long term for my child – could it be emotionally damaging for a child to cosleep? So my little girl arrived and although those early days did include lots of snuggles in bed, I was gently moving her into the Moses basket next to the bed and after 8 months into a cot in a separate room. I never sleep trained her and I breast fed on-demand, so our nights were busy and disrupted as I had to rise frequently to feed and resettle her, exhausting for both of us.

A few months of this until I moved her into a toddler bed in order that I could feed her lying down, followed by installing a mattress by her bed to continue my night on, for she would invariably wake up to 5 times a night until all her teeth came through at 2 yrs and 4months. I thought I was cosleeping at this point, but I was still resistant to actually having her on the mattress with me, thinking that at some point she must learn to sleep alone….

By now, I was pregnant with my son and I had learned enough to know that this time we would be cosleeping from the start. I sold the cot, I sold the Moses basket, I was not going to be waking up in the night to move anywhere except to roll over and feed him. Within two days of his birth I had both my daughter and son sleeping on either side of me and the puzzle pieces started to fall into place.

What I noticed with my newborn son was how often, from the earliest of days, he would reach for me, find me and return to sleep. Yes he needed his nightly feeds and he had no hesitation grabbing me and nuzzling me for those, but more that that he frequently checked that I was there. And my heart broke a little as I realised how often my daughter would have done that, how often her little hand would have rustled around to find me and be left wanting, wondering, worrying.

I cannot take back those early years of her sleep experience but my son has helped teach me how healing sharing our sleep can be. From the moment that clarity came, that understanding that security and attachment comes in sleep as well as wakefulness, I began to reparent my daughter. She went from sleeping curled up in her own space on the other side of the bed, from being alone, to where she sleeps now, curved into my spine. I know now that she feels connected at night as well as day and I know one day, when she is ready, she will want her space again for all the best reasons and she will sleep independently. I know now that when I’ve had a tough mummy day, when my patience has been stunted and I’ve been grouchy and snappy, that we heal together whilst we sleep. That those hours in the darkest time of rest, re-set us, remind us of our deepest soul connection, they provide the space of forgiveness without the need for words or thought.  My heart heals when I lie between my gifts from the Universe, when I listen to their soft breaths and feel their fingers reach for those reassuring touches. All of the questions around cosleeping, the pragmatic questions on logistics and comfort and ethics become totally meaningless and I remember how our ancestors have co-slept for thousands of years.

We sleep, we sleep well, we sleep with love.