Amanda – Soul Reflection

The Existential Crisis of Man

There is a current theme amongst the men – the husbands and partners of women that I know; it could be labelled as the classic mid-life crisis except its core is so much deeper and more extensive. I have watched the seeds germinate from those early honeymoon years of engagements, weddings and the birth of our children. This is not just a mid-life moment, this is a full on existential crisis of men that is busting out of the seams of society and is about to explode.

I have been observing it for many years now, how it relates to my personal dynamic and listening to the words of my circle of women, where, often unbeknownst to each other, they repeat the same elements of frustration and despair. The truth is that a deep chasm of depression seems to be the very crux of the issue, which of course can manifest in a multitude of ways: from lethargy & dormancy thought to explosive rage and simmering anger with everything in between; addiction, disconnection, emotional abuse, gas-lighting, narcolepsy, adrenaline chasing, affairs etc. The list goes on and as much as many of these are painful to be around or on the receiving end of, they are just the symptoms of a masculine struggle so deep that it’s hard for me to imagine how they will claw their way out. For women, it is alienating.

I have a theory, without a solution, but important to name nonetheless. I see the beginning of the separation of compassion between the parties at the point of childbirth. We have lost most of the tangible and cultural rites of passage in our society for both sexes but nature has a handle on that for women. When we give birth, we are initiated into motherhood in a way that defies conscious description. I know my husband would say that I changed dramatically at this point in my life and I completely agree. I had to dig deep to reveal my innate and primate strength, my priorities shifted overnight from self-ish concern to embracing the wider picture of holding, love, nourishing and nurturing beyond my personal boundaries – I was no longer the centre of my world and I never would be again. Childbirth is the most empowering and enlightening experience a woman can have and sadly many women are cheated of this process by the interventions and interference our society has created around it but, despite these inhibiting effects, there is no denying that the physical creation of life pushes women to step into themselves – to know themselves; to find the edges of their endurance and to step up to the emotional, physical and spiritual challenges of motherhood.

Where is this moment for men? Where do they get to experience their innate and primal strength? Where do they find the edges of their endurance? Where is their opportunity to feel like they have stepped into their purpose of existence?

In traditional cultures, without the cosseting of modern conveniences, physical survival and protection is the role of the masculine. Hunting for food in harsh environments; facing life & death decision making; protecting the tribe from invasion; creating a space of safety for the women, children and elders. Here there is purpose, here there is meaning and it is infused with personal challenge, the need to step out of self-ish concern, to see the whole picture of community and family, and to face and experience the portals of endurance. It is no wonder that adrenaline adventure is such a draw for the masculine but they still miss the very essence of purpose and selflessness. Facing death just for yourself will not create the shift into enlightenment that slaying a predator, for food or protection to feed and nourish your family and village, will do.

So here we are left with a swathe of men who witness the birth of their children but are not initiated into fatherhood, who struggle to transition from self-centred priorities to encompassing the family needs; who feel the loss of their devoted partners as they, in turn, devote their energies to the young and vulnerable. Men have no true purpose to fill that void and, by the time their partner has energy again to turn back towards them, so often the resentment on both sides has created a chasm of disconnect. The strains of motherhood without the village threaded through with the disempowered man is a recipe for an emotional maelstrom of epic proportions and one that gets deeper and harder and more painful as it continues its endless swirl. Picking up new resentments in the regular tornado of life add to the power of the storm. Our women are suffering, feeling as if they are carrying the burden of it all – the physiological and psychological stretches of motherhood and a depressed partner to boot, however that manifests. Our men are feeling empty, purposeless and redundant.

So what are the solutions? What I do notice is that the therapies of our modern times can only help so much, more of a band aid than a cure. These rites of passage into adulthood and meaning are created by visceral and profound experiences, cognitively knowing this offers momentary understanding but doesn’t actually create a new reality. I have watched as men seek and search for this unknown feeling – this lack – through adrenalin, through talk therapies, men’s work, psychedelics, wealth acquirement. They all can create temporary easing and patches of identity but they don’t seem to stick. The mind cannot trick the body and the body cannot trick the mind.

So I have no solution. Going out to hunt for deer whilst knowing if you fail you can buy a few steaks at the butcher isn’t going to cut it. However, I have been noticing an uprising amongst men discussing how they do feel purposeful and fulfilled in a modern relationship dynamic and it seems to be by finding a way to fulfil some of these traditional roles. Safety seems to be a huge theme. Women seeking it and men feeling initiated by providing it. This will look different for everyone but discovering what makes your family feel physically and emotionally safe reaps rewards for all parties. Mission and meaning for the masculine, breath and space for the overwhelmed feminine, contained and nurturing boundaries for the children and connection, connection, connection between the couple. Safety allows love to flourish. We all carry our traumas but by stepping outside of how that makes the ‘I’ feel, utilising those difficult experiences and channelling them into the creation of an environment of protection and potential breeds its own kind of purpose.

As a woman, I worked hard to ensure my rites of initiation were not stripped from me by our modern constructs, but equally I am not created to journey solo. I need and want partnership and I know the most fulfilling life is creating that ying and yang together, raising our family as a unit and a team. My compassion reaches out to the men struggling with all of this complexity and, more so, for how it manifests in challenging and often frightening ways, and yet we are not about to step back in time to hunter/gatherer dynamics so it is time to seek a new way to walk fully into manhood; to shed the shackles of shame and malaise and step back into the roles you were born for. Let this existential crisis be your portal – find your edge of endurance and come back home.

Christ Returns – of maybe not!

It’s not often I slate a book but I couldn’t even bring myself to finish this one, so full of human ignorance presented as spiritual doctrine.

I had loved the idea of reading this because I adore the Conversations with God series by Neale Donald Walsch. Channelling wisdom, whether from our innate being or from other realms, texts like these often carry so many nuggets of gold, encouragement and faith.

This, however, was a travesty of that principle. Whoever the ‘Recorder’ is seems to have imagined the story of Jesus based solely on their own interpretation and spiritual belief, I can’t for one moment believe that there is any true channelling or even connection to inner truth. Contradictions run through all the pages: ‘thank goodness Jesus was a rebel as it opened his heart to look outside of the religious doctrine of the day but if you rebel against absorbing the doctrine of this book you will bring hardship on yourself, despite the fact that god isn’t punishing.’ To précis just a fraction of the mess!

Added to this, having personally been fascinated by the idea of Jesus as a human being and having looked into the historical evidence of his existence, it is clear the ‘Recorder’ hasn’t bothered with any of that and just states their own belief of the version of events because they claim they are speaking on behalf of Christ. It’s quite laughable except when it becomes antisemitic and explains that Jews have brought all that has befallen them on themselves because of the way they practice their religion, under the guise of ‘law of attraction’.

That’s when I stopped reading.

I thought of not bothering to write up this book, best just to ignore and not give energy to, but actually I think it’s important to acknowledge how easy it can be to present work as facts and information rather than owning that it is just a personal belief. I could readily accept this book as someone’s ideas, I might reject it or just cherry pick the worthwhile elements but pretending this comes from Jesus’s spirit is quite another level!

A great reminder to stick to ‘I’ statements. Speaking on behalf of someone else only brings confusion! LOL.

First published on social media on 20th July 2023

Distorted Reflection

My homeopath (aka my well of mother wisdom and unconditional love) told me that I need to strengthen my boundaries when experiencing negative or critical attack.

And she is completely correct, except I have this huge voice inside me that says ‘don’t be so arrogant as to deflect criticism without first owning what is yours’. I believe in the principle that what is in existence in my life is a reflection of some part of myself, so if I am receiving negativity I have a part to play.

What I realise today is how I have distorted that reflection, no different to the waves across a pond turning clear lines into surrealist images when the stone hits the surface. In the film Pretty Woman, Julia Robert’s character says ‘The bad stuff is easier to believe, ever noticed that?’ and I think that is a default for most humans but certainly there are those, like myself, where my parental conditioning makes ‘the bad stuff’ feel like the ‘truth’.

I have focused recently on the bad stuff, why is this happening to me, what have I done?The usual self doubt. But despite an overwhelming smothering of love, support, reassurance and validation from a wonderful and significant circle of friends, I have only studied the reflection of the bad stuff.

The majority of ‘feedback’ in my life is positive, 97%, and I laugh when I hear myself say internally, but they’re your friends, of course they’re going to be nice about you! As if it doesn’t count. Somehow they are biased and can’t see me straight. Therefore the critic is the one whose opinion holds more weight. What a distorted reflection!

I have one friend who is utterly glorious in every which way, I could cry when I think of her loving generosity of spirit and kindness and she was recently psychically taken down by a total nutbag (IMO) and I wanted to shake her and cuddle her and fill up right back up to the top with love. How could she possibly let this person make her doubt her own gloriousness….. and then I see myself in her too.

I do get psychically taken down, I do have my inner child believing I am fundamentally bad and difficult and when people realise they will turn their back on me, just like my parents. My Now Self knows I’m a good, loving and conscientious person with all the natural flaws of humanity, but I clearly have some work to do on rewiring that inner child and the first thing I’m going to do is make sure she is listening to the 97% and maybe I’ll get her some ear defenders for that other 3%!

So yes it’s important to contemplate what is being reflected back to us in our lives, where we can grow and learn but it is more important to check if the reflection is clear or distorted by our own trauma or conditioning.

One amazing thing this past year has highlighted is how I am so profoundly grateful to my friends who shine my light for me when I am wandering in the dark. They guide me back home to my true self, flawed and perfect, just like them.

First published on social media on 9th July 2023

Single White Female*

It’s quite something to feel like I’m living the script of a movie and a psychological thriller at that. But this is where I find myself today with a build up that feels quite surreal to say the least.

Having formed a friendship a number of years ago where I opened my door and life: recommended our neighbourhood, school, mortgage advisor, homeopath even marriage counsellor and much more besides, all of which were accepted and incorporated. I have now found myself at the receiving end of their vitriol and harassment.

I genuinely have no idea what turned their energy, though I had always seen that they were guarded, holding back. I saw this as a trauma response and accepted it as part of their being, though now I wonder about what has been churning in their soul all this time.

And now I wait in daily angst for the next barb, the school WhatsApp belittling, the opportunity they take for slander: toxic, immoral, narcissistic, whatever judgement they wish to hurl that day. Even in my car I am unsafe from the intensity, when they decide to undertake and swerve in, two cars ahead causing hooting and braking from the cars behind.

The behaviour is deranged and irrational, no matter what I say, or don’t, or even any attempt to appease, it’s all taken as fuel for their obsessive inner fire. And how can I escape when are lives are so intertwined?

There is nothing I can do but engage as little as possible although even then I’m accused of being rude. Legal recourse is on the horizon, but do I have to wait for injury or damage for that to happen? Will it happen? I honestly cannot say. I once would have been sure that that was never in their make up but now I hesitate. Where are they going with this, what is their purpose? And why me….

*Single White Female is a 1992 psychological thriller

First published on social media on 26th June 2023

The Truth About Covid-19

First printed in April 21 and yet already they knew so much including the likely global side effects from the ✌️All of this information has now been even more deeply exposed but this is a great book to understand what has played out over the last three and a half years. With a forward by presidential candidate Robert Kennedy, one of my all time heroes, this is a powerhouse of information, research, knowledge and wisdom.

PS. Please note the great feminist icon who has paved the way for the free for all poisoning and disabling of our children. #baderginsburg

First published on social media on 14th June 2023

Enmeshed

I think that there is, in general, a natural level of enmeshment in any form of psychodynamic relationship, be that parent/child, romantic partner, even close friendship. Whilst there can also be psychodynamics between boss and employee, doctor and patient etc there is less likely to be true enmeshment in these more emotionally separate containers. A Venn diagram comes to mind… the cross overs creating areas of enmeshment where our feelings interact so deeply with each other and are so engaged with responding to each other that it can be hard to separate what is best for the individual at times.

Most recently I’ve been observing enmeshment between parent and child and when this starts to impinge on not just the mental health of the child but also how it impacts the fields of relationships surrounding them.

Both my children tip the balance into enmeshment when I am very sad about something, ironically because I don’t cry very much, when I do it can be overinflated by them into distress for themselves. There is a natural, biological cause for this, as their primary survival post, my unravelling could literally be theirs; so empathy becomes enmeshment when their own feelings are directed by mine. My job is to reassure them through my sadness and show them that my own strength is enough to carry me through rough moments without them feeling like they have to somehow fix it for me.

This example shows the thin veil between our children being beautifully empathetic and potentially unhealthily enmeshed, also highlighting why low level enmeshment is really a natural state between those we have strong psychological attachment to. However, I also see how some of the messaging in the conscious parenting movement can often foster disturbing and unhealthy enmeshment based on the beautiful principles of staying connected with our children’s emotions.

This simple study shows it quite clearly:

(Roles: parent, child, unrelated adult)

Parent warns unrelated adult who is collecting child that child might be disappointed by news of a cancelled event.

Adult collects child, informs child of cancelled event, pragmatically and simply. Child behaves acceptingly and continues in healthy dynamics with other children

Child returned to parent, parent immediately informs child ‘you must be disappointed by the cancellation’

On being told ‘they must be’ disappointed, child reacts as such and moves into a habitual behaviour that signifies their disappointment, including an age inappropriate tantrum and minor violence.

Parent accepts this as normal expression of disappointment and boundaries around their behaviour are loose. Here is a self perpetuating cycle that hinders both parent and child and their mutual relationship. Parent’s too intense concern over disappointment feeds the child, who then ‘proves’ to the parent how desperate their disappointment is. Setting them both up perfectly for the next event that may be disappointing.

Instead if the child were reassured that disappointment is a fact of life and had that feeling simply, briefly and kindly acknowledged, the child would learn great life skills and resilience. Helping them to see that the tantrum and violence were disproportionate to the event equally helps them to learn to measure and scale their emotions appropriately.

As it was the parent felt overwhelmed and struggled with the deep enmeshment of anxiety around their own and the child’s potential feelings, their own history of disappointment (most likely from a childhood wounding) whilst simultaneously experiencing the painfully conflicting discomfort the antisocial behaviour provoked. Other children witnessing were shocked and felt the need to distance themselves from the child, causing social and friendship issues later down the line.

I see examples like this every single day in a school environment; most are transitory, the parent will quickly learn and adjust, whilst a few will deepen into these subconscious ruts within the neurology of both parent and child and go on to create pathological behavioural issues.

The most poignant part for me is that, whilst these upsetting dynamics can be expected within families that are playing out ancient wounds with no awareness or impetus to do it differently, in families making really conscious decisions to break cycles and do the best by and for their children, this enmeshment can often be their blind spot because it’s done with the greatest of intentions to help a child ‘name’ or express their emotions. Under the guise of help and protection, yet ultimately causing harm.

So perhaps conscious parenting needs to be focused more on the consciousness of the parental wounds and how they impact the child rather than over compensating for those scarred parts of us.

As an addendum, I don’t usually write pieces that are focused on another person’s actions or behaviour because it can appear so judgemental and also rarely traces the full picture of events that are always deeply nuanced with the contexts of each person’s soul journey. I make the exception here because I found this particular study so eye opening for myself that it really helped me to look within and explore my own enmeshments across many relationships not least with my children. So I share it here not to shame any parent for doing their best, with all their love and intention, but as the offering it was to me, to look within and raise my consciousness to be more aware of when my wounds prevent another’s own expression and well being.

First published on social media on 30th May 2023

When The Drummers Were Women

This book falls in two parts for me. The first is a little disappointment. I found it a bit dry and would have preferred more anecdotal or even mythical stories rather than a catalogue of historical references. Added to that I think the object of highlighting feminine power and spirituality connected to drumming, whilst worthy and valid, felt over inflated when matriarchy was lauded and patriarchy demonised. Off balance, to sum it up.

However, the richness of the topic itself helps to override my critique and having had my own experience playing a frame drum and, without any context or lead in, found myself transported to my ancestral lineage, there is certainly more power in the energy of drumming than solely the creation of simple music.

With the renewed call for sound healings, gong baths and the like, added to my own dive into the possibility of sound and vibration being the uber technology that could have been the core power behind previous advanced civilisations, there is unquestionably a theme energetically.

Connecting to our vibrations and nature’s, whether to influence weather, call a swarm of bees, heal wounds or cut rock, reveals an untapped and unresourced power yearning to be released. I feel society is heading back to reclaiming it all and I’m thankful and excited for that.

And I wouldn’t mind finding my own frame drum along the way…

First published on social media on 22nd May 2023

A Cautionary Tale

I am currently caught up in a dynamic where someone has decided that I’m bad. So much so that no matter what I say, don’t say, do, don’t do I can see them weave the information to fit their story of how they are perceiving me right now.

Ultimately there is nothing I can do to shift their perspective and it’s their prerogative to feel their feelings. But whilst mulling it over recently I saw how easily and often this happens; where one discomfort or upset leads to the write off of an entire personality.

I have been guilty of this myself but having it done to me in such clear terms where I know I can only fail, no matter which choice or action I take is a beautiful cautionary tale to absorb. I feel determined to remember the good parts even when I’m struggling with someone’s flaws (or perhaps just my judgement and perception of them after all!).

I have always preached it to my children, that a difficult personality trait or behaviour does not define an entire human but this personal lesson really inspires me to try to separate the issue from the soul. I might still choose to walk away from a friendship or relationship because of certain events but I am determined to be more mindful that I don’t colour their entire being with a tarnished brush, particularly when I have known or loved previous parts of them.

We were all once just the most delicious perfect little babies and that core essence remains in everyone. So as much as triggers and clashes will inevitably happen in life, seeing the gold behind each shadow is a heartening and uplifting state to be in and one that I intend to put into good practice.

First published on social media on 17th May 2023

Treat ’em Like A Dog

In actual fact, there is a lot of truth in this statement where our children are concerned. But I imagine I need to explain myself a little more before I’ve convinced anyone!

When we rescued our dog from the streets of Athens, it was a whole new world of learning and discovery. I had never owned a dog before and have to confess I thought training would be a simple case of bribery and corruption, with multiple treats. It may work for some but not for mine!

Thankfully I was led to the work of Jan Fennell, The Dog Listener, who helped me understand that my dog was presuming dominance from our attitude and felt the need to protect her pack aka us! More than that it was incredibly stressful for her; without training or leadership, being the Alpha is no fun at all. So we adopted the techniques required to show her who was boss, and how subordinate she really is. Relative calm ensued. She will test us, she will look for chinks in our resolve but overall, our word goes and she listens.

And here is why it applies to our children. The blurry lines between conscious and permissive parenting means that many parents these days offer huge amounts of choice to our kids under the guise of respecting their individuality; this varies from the mild shopping trip for clothes to the very important decisions about schools and nourishment.

They are not meant to be making any of these decisions, they are emotionally immature for a very long time and whilst it’s important that they feel autonomous by letting them join in chores and daily living, fundamental choices belong to the parent. Asking them or facilitating their belief that they have control over these decisions can cause them extraordinary stress, which can manifest in many ways, tantrums included, least likely is for them to explain, ‘please decide for me’.

They are not meant to be the alpha in the family and there are plenty of ways to respect their individuality and personality whilst also providing warm, loving, strong boundaries so they know these big emotional decisions aren’t up to them.

So in this craze for letting our kids decide far too many things, I say, treat ‘em like a dog!

First published on social media on 15th May 2023

Coronation Conflicts

I grew up a staunch royalist. What wasn’t there to love about the royal family? Even with the obvious drama, it just showed how human they were. And of course there was Diana…. the ultimate real life princess. Fairy tales do come true even the bad bits.

As my eyes have opened to the power dynamics controlling the world, the media, the messaging, I have longed for the royal family to be immune to it all. But I can’t face the truth about everything else and stick my head in the sand about the devastating corruption and dis-ease that permeates it all. They are part of the uber rich, part of the intricate connections that believe they can make the rest of us mere mortals dance under their puppet strings.

So what does this weekend of coronation extravaganza mean to me. I cannot lie, my royalist heart adores the pomp, the glitter, the dream of being that goddamn rich! And faced with the darkness, how do I respond to it all? And here I am torn. It’s just not so clearly black and white. This weekend creates connection, community, national pride, all of which I think hold huge value. I love feeling a common connection with our entire country over one weekend, isn’t the spiritual ideal achieving the understanding of oneness?

And I can hear the excuses in my head too, truly if everything I have heard about the royals is true, surely I cannot condone a single thing done in their name? But I think that’s the nub of it for me, I’m just not completely convinced; do I think Kate is part of some dark underworld? Or do I think she’s doing her work with the best of intentions which may also have links to a dark underworld? A bit like the doctors during Covid, most of them working with the best of intention despite the harm they were causing. But I didn’t clap for them….

I guess these are the complexities of human nature and I have to accept my own hypocrisy within it all. As always it gives me greater compassion for those that I judge to be hypocritical. I’m not pledging allegiance to the King but I did wear red, white and blue and attend a local event and truth be told I still shop from Amazon too!

First published on social media on 7th May 2023