And or But

Almost a year ago, I wrote a blog about making people ‘wrong’ (Divided We Fall), how as a western culture we thrive on polarising our dynamics: supporting the ‘wrong’ football club; wearing the ‘wrong’ clothes; drinking the ‘wrong’ drink; holding the ‘wrong’ opinion.

Since that piece, I have been on an interesting journey observing myself, my judgements, my language and trying to gently learn to embrace another’s viewpoint whilst still happily sitting with mine. So often I can hear that it can come down to the choice of two simple words ‘And’ or ‘But’.

To my daughter:

I can see that you’re enjoying your playdate BUT it’s time to go home. OR. I can see that you’re enjoying your playdate AND it’s time to go home.

To my husband:

I understand you want to do the cooking tonight BUT I want to as well. OR. I can see you want to do the cooking tonight AND I would like to as well.

BUT brings the energy of rejection or ‘wrongness’, I am acknowledging your feelings and then rejecting them. Whereas AND holds their feeling and my feelings in the same place. What a difference.

I have started to work at trying to remove the ‘buts’ from my life, allowing the ‘ands’ to flow in and help teach me that all values are welcome. Mine and theirs, whoever they may be.

AND it doesn’t mean that harmony will reign, my daughter still may not want to leave her playdate and I may still want to cook dinner but instead let my husband take the reins. It does, however, let the energy of acknowledgment, compassion and compromise enter the fray and that can only be a great thing…