My personal vision of natural parenting very much includes the African proverb ‘it takes a village to raise a child’. I daydream about rural setting and communities sitting out together in open spaces, with children playing in and around and all about. What draws me most to this dream are my observations around love relationships and parenting.
I don’t believe we’re supposed to be parenting this way – and by that I mean two energies (most commonly masculine and feminine even if in a same sex relationship) alone in a house with familial support at best streets away, at worst thousands of miles. It is a pressure cooker of expectation, survival and fatigue and how we navigate it is The Question of our time.
What I consider nature’s way is the feminine being surround by feminine energy, family, friends, loved ones, all at varying stages and degrees of their own parenting journey; some with ancient wisdom, some with fresh eyes; all with the intention of raising our children with love. I see the masculine energy as slightly peripheral in the early years, supporting, fun, loving and a little hands off until the child comes of age to bond and learn. That is not because the masculine doesn’t have value, for he really does, but that in those early moments all the baby’s needs are fulfilled by the feminine.
The reality of our modern living is that we take on both roles, we are situationally forced to mix it up and divorce ourselves from our natural callings. The masculine is often called to pick up the nurturing card, something that can be innate for the feminine and yet confusing and challenging for them. The feminine is frequently advised not to listen to her nurturing energy, to be tougher and more resilient than nature intended. I watch the masculine energies respond to a baby’s cry and I can see it doesn’t call them in the same way and I watch the feminine ignore the cry and see the tension and strain etched upon their faces.
I have frequently described my own relationship as such, that my husband is called to the fields to hunt and provide and I am called to my women. This is not sexist, this is not patronising or misogynistic, it is nature’s efforts for us to be in balance, to bring all of our strengths and qualities to each other, to raise each other up to be the best we can be and to guide our children into this world.
And it isn’t like this anymore, so we end up feeling unsupported by our partners for not understanding our unspoken, unconscious needs. Too often we rely on our partners to fulfil the role that traditionally would have been held by a number of people; we are all unique in our offerings to the world and I have learned to seek different aspects of my needs from a variety of sources. Neither I nor my husband can offer it ‘all’ to each other whilst simultaneously raising our children, it is not energetically possible, and recognising that has been a huge relief.
So it is no wonder that Gina Ford and Victoriana have crept into our parenting spheres. What they offer is a way to bypass these issues, they suppress so much of the children’s needs that the feminine no longer feels totally overwhelmed and can stop asking so much of the masculine. Win, win? Somewhat. I do think modern, Ford-style, parenting offers a very real chance for a relationship to survive those early years, but long-term it is creating such emotional damage to everyone involved that we need to rethink again.
Natural parenting is understandably having a resurgence as we recognise the emotional needs of our children but with it we face these relationship conundrums. How do we balance the energy required to parent naturally without the tribal support circle AND hold and cherish our relationship?
I am already witnessing some of my friends separating in these early years and I am sitting in my own complexities at home around it all. So far three things have helped me; the first is reminding myself of our deeply innate, nature defined roles and remembering how alien it is for my husband to respond in the feminine way, to bless him and be grateful to him for trying. The second is setting out the intention and energy to find myself a like-minded circle of woman that can support each other as we ride this journey. And the third came to me recently and it is, very simply, to ditch all those heavy expectations of romance, sex & love relationships (they can still be present but the expectations around what they need to look like can shift) and, in these very tender years, just to remember to be friends…
I can’t think of anything more that I would like to model to my children, than myself and my husband being the best of friends.
Gratitude to Hollie Holden for sharing her wisdom with me