My name is Amanda and I am a control freak….
I have been in recovery for a short time, awareness only hitting hard within the last couple of years. This week, however, I had a breakthrough that I’d like to share.
I recently visited a member of my inner circle for an overnight stay, Christmas rounds etc. Despite being offered to make myself comfortable and help myself to breakfast, it turned out my plate choices were a bit too rebellious for my host. You see, I wanted a regular size plate for my two pieces of toast and fruit and was instead firmly directed to the small side plates where I could ‘pile the toast up’. Honestly, it felt totally bonkers (to use my daughter’s current favourite word); to have conflict and discomfort over the choice of breakfast plate took my understanding of control freakishness to a whole new level.
A few days later, back at home, I was putting my saucepans away and someone (husband or small kiddies) had moved around my saucepan lids so that instead of slotting my pans back into the drawer, I had to put them down and reshuffle (bear with me, I know this is currently sounding a little inane). Now, just a short time ago I would have felt irritated and annoyed that I had been inconvenienced in my saucepan returning, but this time I felt grateful. I felt so deeply and overwhelming grateful for my husband, who rarely remembers where anything lives, and for my kids, who find my kitchen drawers endlessly fascinating. I felt so filled with the realisation that this was a beautiful opportunity to release the control freakish me.
Looking at those saucepans I knew I was at one of those BIG life forks…. I could expand that irritation and continue down the sordid path towards controlling the size of people’s breakfast plates, to a bonkers place of ultimate C.F. ….. Or…… I could let my children’s chaos and my husband’s decidedly different methods teach me to mellow and let go.
Guess which one I chose?