My Vulnerable Epiphany

Tomorrow is Epiphany, the celebration of the realisation that Christ was the son of God, it is also the term used to describe a moment of clarity or new understanding from a place of confusion. Added to all of that, it’s one of my favourite words, the sound of it is just like heavenly tinkling bells, and you may have noticed me use it once or twice in previous blogs already!

With that weight of specialness it feels like the right day for me to make my New Year’s resolution and I’ve certainly needed these first few days of January to get clear on it.

My resolution is to be more Vulnerable, with an asterisk*……

* as long as my soul & spirit are not at risk.

I have not been great at being vulnerable as an adult, and by that I mean being able to show when words or actions have hurt me, instead I have drawn myself up tall and proud and answered back with righteousness and defence. Needless to say, it has not endeared me to some.

Over the last year, when I have shared moments with my husband of things that have felt hurtful to me, be it family issues, my social circle or silly Facebook conversations, he has consistently mirrored back to me the fact that if I had shown that pain to the protagonists, the dynamic may have shifted.

I have been deeply resistant to accepting this idea thanks to my childhood contract with myself to not let others perceive my pain, to not let others have power over me. That served me well as a child, it protected me from repeated emotional wounding, it literally allowed me to survive. It is not, however, serving me well as an adult. Instead I am being judged as righteous, brittle, distant, insensitive and probably a whole lot of other things too. I find myself in repeat patterns in social circles of feeling isolated and shunned. I have my core friends who ‘get me’ but in attempts to widen and enjoy my social sphere, I hit similar dynamics over and over again. The Universe is trying to show me something and I don’t really want to see it.

So my resolution is to be more vulnerable, to let the tears well up when I feel overwhelmed or unheard; to express myself clearly and openly when others’ actions appear alienating; and to hold back from retaliating with strong words when feeling attacked.

There are still interactions with my history where being vulnerable is not going to serve me, opening up old wounds & stories, and for those moments I will hold my boundaries, but for new and evolving friendships and circles I shall unlock my heart once again and hope that it is the love that is seen, not the fear.

Happy New Year xxx