Crushed

I have learned a lesson today. My tummy is still flipping at the uncertainty of my own actions. It was a moment of parenting that I had to wing, no guidance, unknown territory and so praying to do the very best.

My 5 year old daughter had spent the afternoon with the neighbour’s boys (age 6 and 8). They often play together and we keep our front doors open and they move between the houses for hours. I like that freedom and confidence they gain from it. At supper time, my little girl started to talk to me about how she was going to be a vampire later with the eldest boy, she was not going to go to bed, but instead would stay out all night drinking blood; she had not learned to fly yet but he knew how and he would let her hold onto his wings. It was a fairly typical reveal of their role playing and imagination but the difference being that she spoke as if she really intended to join him later for this night time journey. So I just listened and heard her story and we moved through the evening from supper, to tidy, to bath…

As the bath was being prepared she prepped a bag, with some clothes for morning time, her vampire dress up outfit, toothbrush etc. I was rolling with it and a little mystified in wondering how much she really believed and how much she understood she was playing. After her bath, she dressed in her pjs, picked up her bag and said goodbye (my little mite who will not go upstairs by herself!). She went downstairs and put on her coat and boots and left to go on her vampire adventure. She left and I waited. Trusting, trusting and also feeling a little bit nauseous at what I was ‘setting her up for’.

I knew, of course, this was not going to happen. I knew that at some point this story would come to an end, that there would be some disappointment, some confusion perhaps and maybe more. Earlier in the day, I had caught myself warning her about dipping her party shoes in the mud in case they blackened, not because I minded but because I was trying to manage her future disappointment in case she didn’t like them dirty; I was trying to control a potential fallout. I do this a lot. And in these moments of ‘managing’ I so often see how I crush; crush stories, crush hopes, crush imagination, crush experience; crush magic. I am involving myself to avoid my daughter being crushed by an outside experience and instead just doing it myself.

And she returned. In just a few moments she banged on the door and cried; his mother would not let them go on their vampire adventure. I picked her up and offered how disappointing that must be and we had a big cuddle and that is when I knew my allowing had been ok. She stopped crying; it was so short and brief and more often than not her tears and emotions are long and exaggerated. For once, she had gone out and braved the world and been a little bit crushed, but she was able to come home to where it was safe, where her dreams had been protected this time, not spoilt; where she had been trusted and listened to, not dismissed.

I have learned a lesson today. And I still feel a little bit nauseous.