There have been moments on my journey thus far that have sung to me, where the clarity and connection with spirit have been keen and beautiful. In those moments, I have seen so clearly how I am solely responsible for my interactions, relationships and life dynamics, I have been deeply grateful for all that has been shown to me, no matter how it has manifested, as a soulful message of understanding and love.
And in the other moments, I’ll often find someone else to blame…
My husband is a divine example of this. Before I met him, I was in a strong centred place, my life was very very simple, living on little, loving a lot. Perhaps I was a little serious, a little intense (maybe I still am), so the Universe brought me my husband full of crazy energy, laughter, party, love and beneath the surface some sadness, some anger, some unmet needs. All the things that in my ‘centeredness’ I wasn’t looking at, a new journey had begun.
Throw in our beautiful children & some energetic fatigue and this path has had some rocky moments, some major challenges and some new spiritual branches to explore. But I haven’t really wanted to explore them, I have been holding onto the ‘me’ from before I met him, the ‘me’ that was doing OK all by myself. So what is the catalyst for the rocky moments? My husband of course, someone else to blame.
And he was a great scapegoat. With little introspection and self development under his belt, he had few tools to argue his corner and he wasn’t experienced at holding up the mirror to my reflection. Then he went and owned his world, he jumped both feet, headlong, passionately and soulfully into healing his heart and he returned to me, a great warrior. Now when I am angry or raging, or sad or lonely, I can no longer label him the creator of my woes, for he stands, head held high and shoulders proud holding that mirror of truth in front of my eyes. He reminds me of my soul contracts, he lights the path of my knowing and blocks the way to the cave of blame. And boy do I try to get past him into that cave. It is familiar and easy and dark and unquestioning and I want to sit in it, with all my fatigue and sadness, and blame somebody else for my feelings.
But now there is no one else to blame…
My gift, my husband, will no longer be accountable for my pain, he has handed it back to me with resolute strength and I accept it, hesitantly, cautiously and a little wearily. It is time to step back into the saddle of my spiritual quest; 2014, this New Year, is an auspicious beginning and I pledge to own my heart again.
(With grateful thanks to www.mkp.org.uk and www.transitionseurope.com for supporting the journey of my family)