On reflection I can laugh, but just a few short years ago I really believed I had it mostly sussed out. I had spent my teens in turmoil, my early twenties in self destruct and the rest of my twenties in some sort of therapy/workshop/intense process. By 30 I was offering my new wisdom as an alternative therapist and was feeling pretty peaceful with the world.
Then I got married and had my two glorious children and I realised that, as if locked inside some epic computer game, I had only just passed level 1.
To continue that analogy, there was a great film way back when (1997) called ‘The Game’ where Michael Douglas is given the ultimate rich man’s gift. He unknowingly becomes part of an interactive theatre where a series of stressful, frightening and tense moments play out in his life culminating in a fall from a tall building into his surprise birthday party (sorry for ruining the ending!). I remembering loving the film and it’s lingered with me for all these years, that peace-giving realisation that all of those horrifying moments where just directed theatre, make believe. I had that feeling this week when I stood in my garden and thought I am so overwhelmed by all the emotional stretches in my life, I must wake up in moment and see it’s been an orchestrated lesson. Which on a true spiritual plain it is.
And as with most spiritual journeys, it can be hard to see the wood for trees whilst trekking the path. I did garner some small insight today remembering that my greatest understanding through all my years of self work is that how I honour myself creates my emotional stability and roots. When I was single, I practised self love by writing morning pages, reading my angel cards, slipping off to the cinema mid-afternoon; meeting friends for coffee and sometimes a glass of wine or two. I had the world open to me to explore a variety of ways to honour my mood, my space, my needs. Trying to give that to myself whilst nurturing my family, catering to the needs of two small ones and my husband, I frequently get lost and find myself in this ‘game’ scenario, looking around bewildered at the on goings.
But the truth stays the same. The only way to traverse this landscape is to remember who I am in amongst it all. To remember that when I act out my ancestral rage towards my family that I am also searching for peace; that when anxiety fills my throat, I can also trust the unfolding; that when I can no longer bear my unconscious reactions infiltrating my days, that I can also practice self forgiveness. That all of these parts of myself coexist, if I deny one, it will force itself to my reckoning with discontent, if I allow it space in can calmly walk through my field with barely a breeze. It is giving myself permission to experience every part of myself and every part of the game of life.
Level 1 smashed it!
Level 2 needs more practice……