I am good at figuring out my sense of the practical side of natural parenting – full term breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby led weaning, baby wearing, attachment, natural health etc. I have developed my understanding of these matters quite quickly and cleanly.
Where I struggle the most is the emotional bit – gentle communication, boundaries, freedom, discipline et al. I know that I aspire to be a respectful parent, one who considers my children’s perspective and needs and I feel poke axed on those days where I am far from my ideal. One bit, however, that I am getting clear on is my authority.
I have come to affirm in myself the need for definite and calm authority.
Knowing that I was not interested in developing into a controlling and disciplinarian parent, I have read and researched some of the alternatives and have been navigating my own course alongside them. I have also been fortunate enough to have a circle with a wide variety of philosophies and sometimes seeing what I don’t want is the most helpful in carving out the path that I do.
And, most significantly, I have arrived back at nature. What I witness in nature is a parent’s authority, the clarity of these chosen guides being sure of themselves, their place and intention in the world. I have a strong sense of the emotional purpose of myself as a parent; to lead, guide and model a way of being and show and encourage the gamut of emotional complexities that this world offers. I am deeply aware that my time as guide is short, that it won’t be long before I rightly relinquish my authority and send them out into the big wide world to hone and master their own sensibilities, but I see how hard it can be when I don’t give them the head start of a suggested direction. I have witnessed the floundering and confusion that occurs when a child is left to make all their own choices and decisions and it doesn’t sit right with me. What is our purpose as parents if the children are leading the way?
So, much to the dismay of some of my peers, I am, on occasion, strong with my ‘No’; I do make some circumstances unacceptable, and whilst I still disagree with ‘punishment’ per se, I will remove objects or my child from an unhealthy dynamic.
It is my job to set safe and clean boundaries, it is my job to model humanity and compassion, it is my job to support and nurture and it is my job to teach kindness over feral-ness. I am a work in progress and still making plenty of mistakes but understanding that holding my authority is a healthy choice for my kids is like finally being handed the job description rather than being plonked in front of a desk full of files.
I am not damaging my kids by being firm and clear and I am guiding them.