Over the years I have had my astrology charted, my numerology configured, tarots read and all sorts of other magical and mystical directions. Some good, some bad, some exciting, some unnerving…. but there has been a theme, a message that has been consistent throughout; I was going to hit my mid 30’s and experience cataclysmic grief.
By the time I was approaching my 35th birthday, I had managed to convince myself that it would be my husband, he works in a risky environment and I had somehow rationalised that the scale of grief I was destined to encounter fitted for him. I braced myself. I spent a year waiting for ‘that’ call; it never came. I am now 38 and still, thankfully, wedded to and loved by my husband.
And yet, in the last two years I have been having energy healing and the appraisal that I have received again and again is that my heart is full of grief. And it is.
I had presumed that grief belonged to the rites of the dead but in fact it is simply for death, not just of life but of relationships too. When I was 35 one of my closest familial relationships began to die, where before it had been wounded and healed, wounded and healed, we had begun a deeper disconnect than ever before. Who knows where life will take us and what resurrection may occur in the future, but for now the reality is that I have had to say goodbye to something I never thought I would.
It has been and continues to be a deeply painful process. Acknowledging it and finally recognising it as grieving, brings light to the darkness. Knowing that I am saying goodbye to an attachment in its current form is allowing me to release the raging anger that I have held, it gives me permission to feel the sorrow and confusion and to reclaim the joy and lightness that I have lost.
I think, as a western society, we are poorly equipped for grief, in all of its forms, and firstly we must remove the assumption that it belongs only to those moments of physical death. I think many of us are grieving and so much of our global anger comes from grief; from loss, from rejection, from abandonment, from painful goodbyes.
My homeopath is helping me to release the layers that have caged me in this unnamed pain and I can feel my spirit fill with love again, raising me up to the surface. After my very first remedy I gasped for air; I had spent the last few years forgetting how to breathe.
So here I am now, facing this cataclysmic grief that has always been my destiny, I have named it and recognised it and now I can heal.
With grateful thanks to Anne Do Espírito Santo http://www.annehomeopath.com
With all the clients I have and do work with I see every day grief – in all forms – we grieve every day for some things we never even stop to consider as a loss because of the very thing you say, that most people only consider grief to be something that happens when someone dies – each day most of us our faced with grief – not necessarily huge and sometimes only momentarily but never the less grief.
Yes, I thought of you as I wrote this and for the first time felt drawn to your workshop on Grief, in order to be able to understand it more. Watch this space… Xx