When my daughter was two there was a flash point between my own mother and myself as I heard her praise her granddaughter with the words ‘good girl’, frequently and repetitively. Nothing wrong with that? My mother didn’t think so and understandably so, it is a standard reinforcing phrase for our children, encouraging and affirming, right?
Except that I didn’t agree. I didn’t want my daughter being fed this belief that she was good if she managed to fit a shape into its matching hole, or if she tidied the animals back into the box. Yes I wanted to affirm her actions, encourage her explorations and adventures, but I didn’t and don’t want my children to believe that they are either good, or conversely bad, for arbitrary things.
I remembered this incident this evening as I flicked on the television and an image flashed up of a celebrity in a third world environment endorsing some ‘saving’ protocol. It irritated me and I took a moment to wonder why. What came up for me was the fact that all these endorsements can so often come from wanting to be perceived as good, worthy of love, worthy of their status by doing the ‘right’ thing. I do not know any of their individual motivations and I don’t want to crush the spirit of charity and philanthrophy, in the slightest; but there is a truth that some of these processes do more harm than good, some corporations pay a face to promote something that may not be the best for those in need or for the environment. Yet, if egos are schmoozed into believing they are doing ‘good’ in the world, it hits that childhood reinforced message – you are loved if you are good and the deeper questions, the deeper morality actually don’t have to be mentioned.
Goodness 1 v Humanity 0
Boy, I do not want my kids or anyone, or me (!) to feel like they have to be good to be loved. Within 24 hours I can be so wonderful, kind, patient, loving, attentive, generous and also hateful, jealous, angry, spiteful and mean. I still want to be loved. I still want to love myself for those whole 24 hours not just the ‘good’ bits. I want to be able to stand up to the world and shout out the injustices, the misdoings, the corruption and still be lovable even if it means I have not toed the party line.
I want my children to feel like they can say no to being seen to be good, if actually it is not real kindness, real honesty, real humanity. Being good used to represent those things, but it has become generic & soulless, our generations have been so numbed by this baseless praise that we are responding like Pavlov’s dogs to it. Tell us we are good and we won’t ask any more questions…
Does that resonate?