Tag: listening

All Black Lives Matter

I am listening. I am paying attention and what I am hearing is that not all black people support the Black Lives Matter movement.

That’s not to say they don’t value the lives of all black people, or POC, but I am hearing that some feel the movement places them in the space of victim. I heard one woman say, ‘I don’t want you to acknowledge you have white privilege, because that implies that I am underprivileged and I’m not. I don’t want to be put in that world of victim.’

I also have a dear friend whose beautiful, kind, thoughtful and honest boys are followed by security around their local supermarket because of the colour of their gorgeous skin and I feel deep sadness and anger about this. I hear both of these voices and many many more.

I am not writing this to argue the point either which way, nor am I in the place to, I wouldn’t assume that position because I am on some levels truly too ignorant.

What I do know is that I’m uncomfortable being told what to do to be a ‘good’ person. I’m uncomfortable being told my views and values can’t/shouldn’t be a certain way, words are wrong, actions are wrong because someone else says so.

I abhor racism and I stand by opportunity for all (I deliberately avoid the word equal because I don’t believe anything is equal and by trying to create something that fundamentally doesn’t exist we are forcing ourselves, as global neighbours, into some sort of rigid, inflexible paradigm that just ends in frustration and anger). I will raise my children to see and stand up for injustice. Yet I struggle with positive discrimination, doesn’t the work discrimination say enough? Energetically, this is not how I feel balance is restored.

My work is all about exploring the wounds in our lives that create ‘inhuman’ behaviour, be that abuse, control, depression, mania, sexism, racism et al. Because the police officer kneeling on George Floyd’s neck was acting in an inhuman way; murder is a divorcing from our soul. I stand with and support all those that want that sort of behaviour to stop, whatever the motivation; I want to help heal our world.

I don’t want to be shamed for doing it in a way that feels soulful to me, whether that’s blacking out my Instagram or not, donating or not. I know I am listening and learning and hearing more than just one narrative on this emotive and painful issue and we all have our own way to learn and path to take.

All black lives matter to me, the ones who support the movement, the ones who don’t. All lives matter to me, especially those that are struggling, unsupported, wounded and hurting. I stand with you all, but please remember to let me follow my own unique path, just like I would like to bear witness to yours without informing you how you should be.

Being told who we must be to be a ‘good’ human is ultimately so disconnecting and alienating, which is the opposite of what is trying to be achieved. This movement doesn’t represent ALL black people, there are multiple expressions, opinions and beliefs about how this world can heal and I want to be open to hearing them all.

I am listening, I am loving, I am here. That is enough.

Acknowledgment

 

I have been accused, at times, of raking up past events without the ability to ‘let go, forgive, move on’.

I will not deny that there is probably some truth to that but not quite in the negative vein that implies.

When I behave in ways that sadden me towards my own children, I rely on a promise I have made to myself, to help me forgive myself. That promise is to remember to acknowledge their feelings, if not instantly, then at least after reflection. When they come to me in their midlife and relay how such an event between us caused a shift in their emotional trajectory, that something I said or did hurt or wounded them, I have promised myself that I will acknowledge that seriously and soulfully.

Because that is all I have ever wanted for myself.

When I look back at the shape forming events in my life, those that have been painful and hard, I don’t hold blame, condemnation or anger towards any of the protagonists, in fact, more often than not, I understand enough of their own history to see why and where their stories connected with mine. But if there is to be any deep connection with them, a deepening and growing relationship, then I crave acknowledgement of my feelings. I struggle to move on, not from anger, lack of forgiveness or misunderstanding, but from the lack of acknowledgement that my feelings had been affected or created by the dynamics of an event.

Ultimately, I struggle with the sense that my feelings have been dismissed or denied.

And I see this classic fracture point arise from the smallest to the largest scale; I see it in every toddler tantrum and minor domestic dispute, right the way through to the diplomatic negotiations between warring countries.

Acknowledgment doesn’t mean a retraction of behaviour or action, it doesn’t mean one party is right or wrong, it literally means ‘I can see that this event has caused feelings in you’. It’s really that simple and basic. When I think of every argument, or rather every reconciliation, those that have created connection and healing are those where I have been heard for my side, my feelings, no matter how unwarranted or unreasonable someone might judge them to be; they are still what I felt in that moment. Equally when I have accepted another’s feelings, without insisting on correcting or changing them to suit my own agenda or story, I have witnessed how freeing that has been for them.

It is so easy to underestimate this, I can see how I have often dismissed or redacted my children’s, my husband’s and my friend’s stories for fear that it will reflect badly on me; create bigger issues; or for numerous, ultimately spurious, reasons. It’s societally habitual to ‘not want to hear’ the other side, so that I don’t have to face my own story with honesty and perspective. Long term, that will not serve me, it simply creates alienation and resentment.

What I wish for myself, and for my relations, is to be soulfully heard. How deeply and powerfully healing that would be.