So in this past week I have been asked in numerous ways for numerous reasons to caretake another person’s or child’s emotions.
It is my passion and my vocation to support and guide others through their highs and lows in this crazy old world but caretaking is something that I strongly disagree with, yet it’s a tempestuous subject. Just this last evening I have received an email from a woman labelling me non-compassionate because I am refusing to caretake her emotions. Am I cruel and callous? Or am I offering space for empowerment?
So what does caretaking actually mean to me?
For me, it means presuming or projecting someone’s emotional reactions and being proactive in taking steps to remove their pain. This can also result in me stepping out of my own authenticity and integrity, perhaps over stretching my own safety boundaries, in order to rescue someone from their feelings.
My own clarifying example came when I went on a workshop/retreat weekend way back in 2005 and part of that process included a sweatlodge. Having experienced claustrophobia since I was a child I was nervous of this ritual and hesitant to try it, however I am a sucker for throwing myself into each therapeutic experience and encased myself in this pitch black hot tent like the rest of the women. I lasted just one round. It brought up every delicate tendon of fear and I couldn’t hack it. I believe most of the other women stayed for the duration and emerged high, joyful and exuberant. I had come out alone and found the site mostly deserted; finding solitude by the river I slipped into a familiar pit of failure and sadness. Later that evening, I approached the head facilitator expressing my disappointment that I had not been better supported coming out of the lodge, that I had felt it difficult and no one had cared for me. She asked me one question.
Did you ask for help?
I got it. Straight away I got it. I had been wanting someone to caretake me, to imagine my feelings and to help me without me having to step up and speak those fears out loud. And where would that have left me?
It would have left me in place without growth, without experiencing the gamut of emotions that I ran through – from needing to leave the sweat, to my lurch of failure, to my place of wishing someone to rescue me and finally to reaching out for some support.
I believe when we caretake others we leave them disempowered and that serves no one. That is not to say we leave those who are vulnerable without support and nurture, but that instead of jumping into soften their discomfort, we can hold the space for them to unfold, to stretch, to reach further in asking for what they need and for acknowledging who they are. These are opportunities for spiritual & emotional growth.
So this past week I have twice been asked to rescue a child from an uncomfortable emotion either by my own actions or by influencing by eldest child and therefore her interactions. I have declined. I have been called non-compassionate and actually lots more besides. But I would not do it for my own child or friend or client, not because I lack compassion but because I want to offer them space to learn, to make tools to carry for life, to touch that ownership of their feelings and how they can process them. These are great gifts.
When we caretake others, we do so out of fear, worrying about someone’s potential suffering, deeply understandable, but also so limiting.
My choice is to encourage my loved ones and my peers to face their fears and discomfort, not to protect them from them, but I will happily hold their hand the whole way.