There have been countless times on my journey where I’ve entered into relationship with individuals or groups (family, friends, work, community) that have been challenging and provocative. More often that not the relationship has deepened to a level of attachment before I’ve recognised any unhealthy or difficult dynamics. But what happens at this point? What am I supposed to do at this point?
When my world started to stretch into a more esoteric and spiritual places, I began to shed friends who were ‘holding me back’. Many from my teens, which had been tumultuous and dramatic, I wanted to be what I was striving towards and not reminded of who I once was. I handled many of these ‘break-ups’ badly, highlighted by their, still palpable, anger towards me many years later.
Here I am now, facing some similar questions about my current relationships and wondering if ‘DELETE’ is the healthy option or am I simply hiding from the mirrors that are being shown to me?
At this point in my questioning, I am flummoxed. I know there are times in our lives where the healthy choice is leaving behind those things that are unhealthy and when those are physical, like alcohol, it can be quite black and white. But when they are people that we have shared parts of our lives with, that maybe an integral strut within our community or sphere, what is the answer?
I think if I had reached a deeper place of spiritual harmony, then others’ behaviour would be less affecting, less impacting and I could allow the free flow of persons without too much drama. I am not there yet, I am still learning, I am still hurt, wounded, fearful of energies that I find oppressive, negative or draining. I want to protect myself, to protect my children and allow them a light, carefree beginning in this world, but I don’t want to run away either, because that is not a good example to them and neither does it benefit me. If I don’t find resolution in myself, then the issues will continue in different guises.
Where is that line that I draw in the sand? Is it a question of learning to hold my boundaries with greater strength and integrity? Perhaps I am fearful of their influences, a power display, perhaps I don’t value my own ability to ‘hold my own’ enough. Is the answer that simple? Maybe it is. Standing firm, knowing myself. In writing those words, the fear of being dogmatic, rigid, unbending, rise up inside me like a volcano. Being that wall of strength also feels like the creation of a wall of close-mindedness, yet allowing the free-flow of everybody’s view and opinions on my choices is suffocating me.
I am struggling to find peace with this place.