In recognising, owning and announcing the presence of my anger, I took my first step.
As I like to do, knowing that each problem we encounter has many roots and branches, I am taking a multi-pronged healing approach. My homeopath is supporting my energies and calm; whilst I am even more conscious of my nutrition and sleep (not easy with two little ones); but I knew that I needed more and dived into a book ‘The surprising purpose of anger’ which led me to the Centre for NonViolent Communication (www.cnvc.org).
From there I traced a path, supported by internet strangers full of compassion and grace, to an NVC counsellor here in the UK who was able to come to my home and talk. Talk….
I have done some deep, powerful, shifting processes in my time that reached to my core wounds and brought them to light. This time, I just talked and cried. I shared with someone that I felt so surprisingly safe with because he understood, it was his expertise, he would not accept but nor would he judge. That was a key for me, I did not want anyone to excuse my anger, offer me reasons or justifications but, in the same breath, I wanted so desperately to be understood.
What I exposed, was the absolute terror I have of repeating the representation of anger I grew up with, the out of control, frightening and paralysing expressions of rage and ultimately the withdrawal of love. Yet the fear was manifesting. From the first time I had allowed my anger to be ‘out of control’, to shout without bounds, to slam doors with an energy that buzzed every nerve, I feared I had entered The Underworld, with no hope of return. The fear that I was not the person I wanted to be, the mother I hoped I could be, was creating the monster that I was becoming.
And I brought it to light….
And it stopped….
No, I am not without my anger, nor am I really close to the summit of my mountain as yet. But in recognising how much that fear was creating my reality, I regained my own ability to choose. I have seen that I am this person because how could I not be? That is simply the way I learned to express my own rage. Rather than denying it and pushing it down only to explode through my shame, I am owning it. And by owning it, I can sense it’s arrival without hiding and that gives me just those few extra seconds, those brief moments to choose to do it differently.
I have a lot of relearning to do, I huge amount of self awareness to create and a long path before my little girl truly feels safe with me again, but I am climbing.. up and up and up….
(A debt of gratitude to Daren DeWitt www.nvc-resolutions.co.uk)