A couple of months ago, we took our children to the cinema to see the new Cinderella. It fulfilled its promise and provided magic and sparkles a plenty; it also offered a beautiful motto, which hung gently throughout the film…. the dying words of Cinderella’s mother – ‘Have Courage, Be Kind’.
As an affirmation, it has resonated in our house and my daughter remembers it now and again, most often, when she is in need of some courage for herself. This week it has vibrated strongly for me…
I had reached a place in my parenting where I was really struggling. I have read my books and know my principles well, I am all for peaceful parenting; I am all for respecting my children’s individual characters; refraining from rigid rules and punishments; expressing my unconditional love to be absorbed as a foundational source of strength. I know how I want to parent and I know how I do parent. The truth is that at times my rules are rigid, that whilst I generally don’t punish, if they don’t tidy up at bedtime, they don’t get their story – honestly, I just haven’t found another way, yet. And unconditional love? Oh yes I feel it, I know it, but when I’m raging, when I’m tired and cross and over the crazy days, do they know it? Probably not.
I feel so sad about this, I witness the words I say at times, or the impatient tone that I use and wonder who the hell am I?
I am wounded
I am wounded with a great big, enormously, massive, gaping, pussing, infected wound.
It’s not always easy to see, there is no blood dripping and I get through my days well enough (in general), but my head swirls with endless trails of crippling thoughts and anxieties.
All I want is to be kind, to register the age and delicacy of my children and be compassionate towards that, to not expect too much of them and to honour their uniqueness. Isn’t that just being kind? Why do I find it so hard at times?
Because my wound is throbbing, and aching, and weeping.
Who is kind when they are in pain? Isn’t that one of the toughest things to be? Pain takes over the body’s responses leaving little room for more than survival; managing pain is all consuming, as those with chronic physical conditions know too well. Emotional pain ain’t much different.
But this week I sat down and started to look at the wound. I started to pick out the shards of dirt and dust that were making it so infected, I began to peel back the folds that were finding distorted ways to heal, I took a deep look inside to really figure out what this wound needs to be able to set me free.
I am working on this wound project with tandem support, I have committed to the online course of Bethany Webster (Womb of Light) whilst simultaneously reading the work of Dr Laura Markham (Peaceful Parents, Happy Kid). Bethany’s work is for me and my wound and Laura’s for my children.
I am at the very beginning but the few hours I have spent already just looking at this wound, simply looking and observing it for what it is, have already brought incredible energetic release. I have felt so liberated because I have discovered that it is not self inflicted – for so long I believed I had made it, created it in me, deserved it even. No. My job is to heal it.
My job is to do the work. To take courage in order to be kind.
Gratitude to Bethany Webster and Dr Laura Markham for their offerings to the world and to me.