I wrote this blog late last night and left it until today to reflect upon; this afternoon this quote from Caroline Myss popped up on my Facebook page and it captures the pure essence of what I am describing – we are responsible for our own emotional world.
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‘The Bully’ is trending, perhaps not on twitter, but certainly in the western culture of blame and retribution. If we successfully label someone a bully, we make them wrong, and we become not only right but also a sympathetic victim. We become righteous and indignant in the way we have been treated and are able to excuse our own questionable behaviours as one ‘who has been bullied’.
My issue with this stance is that I don’t actually believe there are as many bullies around as the media would like us to believe.
For me a bully is someone who derives pleasure from their victim’s pain (please feel free to offer me an alternative to this definition), a sociopath perhaps. I think there are a multitude of clashing personality types, I think there is anger and disagreement and some who feel more empowered than others to speak up and out, to force their way if there is no opposition, but are they all bullies or victims?
As I sat outside my daughter’s kindergarten (age range 3-6) this week a mother and I were discussing her issues with some of the children. She labelled an older boy a bully for, in my view, being exuberant, wilful and adventurous. Don’t get me wrong, this particular little one works well with solid boundaries and will otherwise stretch them to Kingdom Come, but he certainly isn’t a bully. Has he upset other kids? Yes. Has he hurt other kids during play? Yes. Has he done any of it on purpose hoping to damage another child? Most certainly not. In fact, I’ve seen him hurt my daughter and I’ve seen the uncertainty and shame etched upon his face. This boy has conscience and a whole lot of love.
Aside from the obvious discomfort I have categorising a child of that age and disposition as a ‘bully’, it really brought home to me how distorted the definition of that has become. It is so damaging for everyone to start placing us all into pigeon holes of any description. It is damaging to the myriad of strong minded, strong willed, opinionated individuals who dare to stand up and be counted and are shot down for being ‘a bully’. It is damaging to all those ‘victims’ who become labelled into being disempowered, weak and broken rather than someone who has been knocked down and needs a hand getting back up.
Please don’t think I am dismissing the true emotional issues that come from the bully/victim relationship, I understand that both those parties need support and guidance to come out the other side and find peaceful and loving value in themselves. However, there are countless individuals who, guided by the media and our social protocol, refer to themselves as being bullied by someone or other, be it parent, teacher, boss, company or friend, and in doing so remove the option of ‘difference of opinion’; throw out the chance of a healthy, educating, potentially heated, discussion; and most importantly honouring and recognising that we are all unique individuals with vast and personal histories that create our myriad reactions.
Is it not better for the media to offer us ways to meet these challenges, with tools such as NVC (non violent communication) being taught in schools and boardrooms, rather than belittle us into our roles of right and wrong? What about reminders about how the complexities of characters in this world create the shifting dynamics of change and innovation? And messages that embrace our conflicting view points, rather than shooting down all those that contradict them?
I would love to see parents listening to their children’s tough day at school and, instead of storming to the head for a showdown about little bully x, empowering and teaching their children the tools to set boundaries, to say ‘No’ and to redirect unwelcome energy. Isn’t this going to change the dynamic of our society? Where everyone has a voice, no matter how strident or quiet, no matter how determined or unsure.
I hate hurting people’s feelings but I’m not always the most diplomatic in expressing my opinions. I am not a bully because of it; I am someone who is learning to soften my manner.
So when someone is disagreeable and vehement with it, let’s ask them to find a gentler tone and when another is subdued and frightened let’s hold their hand until they’ve found their voice.
Let us tear off those labels and know we are all capable of being bull-ish and all capable of being cowed; as the Bull & the Cow are the same, so are we.