Mid Life Crisis

I read recently that our childhood and early wounds begin to seep out as we near our 40’s; that we can no longer hold them back, no matter how determined. It makes sense to me, as the majority reach a space where either their children have reached school age or they have decided to opt out of parenting, our psyche can move beyond the survival it has created in order to enable us to reproduce and continue our species. It becomes ‘our time’.

For so many this has become a cliché, acting out life extremes – fast cars, plastic surgery, divorce, affairs, career upheavals, major illness… but what if we move to observation rather than reaction (conscious or subconscious)? Can this ‘mid life crisis’ instead become a respected time of great transformation and healing?

When I read about those seeping emotions, and as I approach my big 40 next year, I wondered what would unfold for me. This summer has certainly been the start. As I wrote back in July, in my blog Body Wise, my body has been recreating some of the mild illnesses of my youth as I dig out some unhealthy emotional roots. What I wasn’t expecting was to suddenly have a recurrence of my Ovarian Cyst symptoms from my early 20’s. Honestly, it totally freaked me out – first reaction.

Back in 1999 I had a large dermoid cyst removed that had complications in surgery and left me with (a retrospective self diagnosis) PTSD. I could not mention that operation for 2 years without crying whilst simultaneously only wanting to talk about it; so instead I just got drunk. Finally I stepped into action and had some progressive and regressive hypnotherapy to help me heal. What I uncovered in that process was the sexual abuse perpetrated on me by my father, in my early childhood, and this being a key factor in the manifestation of my cyst. The puzzle pieces of my life tumbled into place as I finally understood my relationship with men, with women, with my early sexualisation, with my reoccurring nightmares; me – I understood me.

Since then, I have kept this part of me very secret and on a ‘need to know’ basis; the few family members I shared with are disbelieving at best and the reality was I didn’t need validation from anyone else as the truth had exploded so clearly in me. My father and I had one candid conversation about it and, as close as we could, reached an understanding and forgiveness before his death 2 years ago.

So why was I having these unexpected and disturbing symptoms of another ovarian cyst?

After a few weeks of silent panic (my modus operandi), I told my husband and stepped into action. I made a GP appointment, scheduled a scan and most importantly booked in with my bioenergetic healer Emma, and my homeopath Anne. There was no way I was going to deal with this the same way as I had in 1999, but it was time to walk the walk of my strong beliefs on our emotions and our health.

My sessions with both healers were so valuable & powerful in their own right and after my last appointment, two days before my scan, I finally understood. Both parties assured me that the scan would reveal nothing, that I was fundamentally healthy, but what I now comprehend is how my body was manifesting the symptoms as a sign and prod for me to process that which is left unhealed. I may have made peace with my dad; I had not, however, made peace with how the molestation has affected my sexuality and intimacy.

I felt the ‘click’ in my body, the shift, when I understood why I was facing this again. I knew with certainty that my scan would at worst show the remnants of a cyst, that I was no longer ‘at risk’; at best ‘nothing’.

It did. The healthiest scan of my womb and ovaries that I have ever had.

I have come home from the hospital today knowing I still have some steps to take to finally transform this wound, but I am charged with verve about hitting my 40’s, about my ‘mid life crisis’ and the beautiful opportunities this time is bringing to step into my light.

With gratitude to those who have supported me during this time xx