One of my favourite children’s stories is ‘The Secret Garden’ by Frances Hodgson Burnett, even now I listen to the audio version to help me sleep at times. For those unfamiliar with the story, I will precis just a small thread that is relevant to me at the moment.
There is a boy called Colin, whose father is a hunchback. Since he was born everyone was fearful that he would become a hunchback too, so much so that he believed it and stayed in bed, fretful and fearful. He is discovered by his cousin, Mary, who draws him out into the Secret Garden, where he is inspired to test his strength, learn to walk and become strong and vital ‘just like any other boy’. The gardener, Ben Weatherstaff, finds them one day and sees how alive and vibrant he is, without even the tiniest of bumps on his back, with tears in his eyes he blesses him and murmurs ‘eh, the lies folk tell’…
This line (in a wonderful broad yorkshire accent) sings around my head as I unfurl and uncover some of my wounded self and bring to light my vibrancy, my truth, myself.
I cannot place in strong context the events that have occurred recently, without hurting those that perhaps have been unconscious in their parts. I am not writing to expose or defame others, but just to speak my own story. So I will write a little mystically to explain these lies.
I have realised that there is a part of me that has learned to judge, subtly and cleverly, sometimes even sympathetically, but very clearly I judge. Until recently, I saw myself as a little bit of a gossip, mainly focused on celebrity news, but always keen to hear news of other family members, old school friends and the like and, whilst not revelling in any mishaps, I could often have an opinion of their choices in clothes/parenting/jobs/houses etc etc. What I didn’t register was that there was anything wrong in that.
Through the course of my spiritual journey so far, I have embraced the tenets that I have met – total honesty, forgiveness (still working on that one!), love, transparency, self-love. But one that jarred me was ‘not gossiping’. Why did I have to give up my addiction to the National Enquirer? It was light reading, light entertainment and relaxing. In fact, I did give it up, but only because I wasn’t comfortable with my young daughter seeing the inappropriate images of celebrity women. I still didn’t get why gossip was so bad until I realised how much it had affected my life, my dynamics and my perceptions of myself to quite such a devastating degree.
I received an email from someone within one of my circles that detailed their very poor opinion of me and sainted their opinion of another member of the circle with whom I was currently trying to resolve a conflict. That she had taken sides was irrelevant, it was the information she believed she had that was shocking. The dynamic was such, that there was only one way that she could have held these thoughts and beliefs, by being fed them.
And my world exploded… An epiphany shone around me whilst I simultaneously wept with indignation and the loss of myself and my childhood. I realised that in one of my significant circles, information, opinions, thoughts, judgements…..gossip…. had been relayed over and over, year upon year. I recognised it, I mirrored it. I knew that the perpetrators had not done this consciously or maliciously but through their lack of awareness, their lack of remembering that there are always two sides to every tale; they had painted a picture of me that had been believed and reflected back. I had never understood why I have felt so displaced in this circle, that no matter what I thought I said, or did, it was received in strange, twisted versions of my truth. Until now.
Now, I see. Now I see that I was somewhat peripheral in the circle, through age, generation, hierarchy, and it was those with influence that had struggled with me and had shared their struggles. Not necessarily with any spite, in fact, most often for support, but they had shared only their side, their opinion, their beliefs peppered with their own wounded self. And when I faced the circle unknowingly, I received this distorted reflection back. I often left reeling, hurting, shameful and cowed. Those feelings, those reflections have shaped me indelibly.
I understand that without knowing me, my actions can be viewed through a variety of portals, some with empathy, some with distate. And that is gossip, judgement in an ‘excusable’ form. That is taking someone’s actions and creating a story of who they are and painting it as truth. That is why stepping away from gossip is such an integral part of my spiritual path. If we are mirrors to each other, let me reflect the best of ourselves by holding the mirror unblemished from preconceptions and half told tales.
Beyond what I have learned and continue to learn, there is now a wealth of myself that I must unlearn, that I am not defined by someone else’s story of myself, I am not a hunchback, I am not to be hidden. I am vibrant, vital, vulnerable, fallible and, most importantly, Me.
As this new perspective enters my life, I recognise everyday, small ways in which I judge, so often to validate my own choices. My work is not to release judgement, but to accept and be at peace with myself and all of my choices, so that I have no impetus, no craving to counter someone else’s path. Theirs is theirs; Mine is Mine; all of ours unique and necessary.