Dear Family
Over the years I have received a number of unsolicited communications from various members of the family, be it verbally, by letter or, more latterly, email. The framework has been consistent, usually detailing my latest ‘failings’ in the eyes of the beholder, often followed by quite a sturdy character assassination and invariably signed off ‘with love’.
Today, on Easter Sunday, I received another two and, as usual, the strength and belief that the words carry against my character shattered my inner peace. What brings tears to my eyes is remembering what a beautiful day I was having with my two children, how I was really being present and enjoying their very beings and then I read these messages.
I had to haul my spirit back from a place of pain, indignation and anger to be with my children again – present I was not.
This letter is not to be a retaliation, a defence or a justification for who I am or the choices that I make, it is a plea. A plea to let me be the woman that I am, the mother that I am learning to be, the wife, the friend, the cousin, the niece, the daughter, the sister and any other part of me. Let me be.
Whether you believe I was simply born ‘this way’… or whether perhaps you can see that my path, my journey, has shaped me. I am a peaceful woman, I do not want the conflict, I do not wish to respond, to argue a lost cause. We hold different values and different beliefs. So be it; it does not make me cold, or compassion-less, or weird, or angry or difficult. It just makes me different to you, whilst I also share your genes – is that too hard a paradox?
Let me be.
I am not a child but a woman nearing her 40s, a mother, a member of the community and someone respected in my chosen world. If I do not seek your advice it is because it does not serve my path, it doesn’t make it wrong, but it is not for me. Should I need it, I will ask. I am not afraid to do that.
My thoughts will not create tremors in your world, there is space in the universe for everyone. My voice can shine and so can yours. Let me speak without apology for there is no reason to be sorry.
And above all, I would like to be amongst you, I would like to spend time listening to your stories, hearing your own history & dreams, but I cannot whilst you tell me I am wrong. I would like to hear your wisdom and know that I can take or leave it without offence, cherry pick from the bump & grazes we all have healed, learn from you, sit with you.
So I beg of you, no more emails, no more comments. You have your pathway and I have mine, but may the branches that inextricably link us be decorated with the blossom of peace.
Yours with love & hope….
How lovely and honest Amanda
Sending you much love
Julian
Firstly, despite my considerable size, large horns, volatile temper and inherent clumsiness, I consider myself an expert peruser of china shops. So here goes nothing.
The last time somebody broadsided me with unsolicited, pointless and hostile criticism, I punched a wall, destroyed a chair with a single kick, and got ballistically drunk. I suspect yours is a far more enlightened and approach.
Whilst knowing nothing about the back story and facts, I hope the people involved read this, and immediately consider themselves lucky they don’t have a wantonly destructive, volcanically unpredictable and borderline lunatic family member (i.e., me) rather than somebody with a patient, strong-minded and enlightened approach to conflict (i.e., you.).
Good luck. I’m off to get angry and drunk in a miniature glass ornament factory. X
My dearest cousin
I love you unconditionally and I am so saddened at the thought of the heartbreak you have had to endure. I respect our differences, I embrace you for who you are and I feel so sorry that writing to your family in this way is so necessary.
It is a while since you wrote this but I am reading this for the first time tonight. I pray you only receive the advice when you have asked for it and it is delivered with peace and sensitivity. I hope all our family have the opportunity to read this and make us all take a step back and consider another point of view.
Lots of Love
Joanna
Dear Amanda,
Tho a long time has passed since Alick left us, I was touched by your various pieces dwelling on his life and relationship with you. I had the privilege and great pleasure of working with him for ten years and occasionally living with Alick in London and Oxford. During that time I had the opportunity to meet all of your siblings, his ex-wives and “others” as well as many of his friends and clients. At no time do I recall any negativity expressed about you and I know Alick was proud of you – your picture was always on display in the hallway at Rosehill. I was surprise and sorry to hear that you have been harangued by your family; good for you calling them to account.
I wish you well with your practice, and I found many points of resonance with your blog, especially the breaking of parental bonds – I was given away at age 14 and had almost no further contact with them even in their final days. Remember = what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Peace be with you. Phil P
Dear Phil
What beautiful kindness you have shown me with your message. So thoughtful and so utterly supportive.
I had such an aversion to the myriad of faces that past through my father’s home, so many and so transient that I stopped getting to know them. But I wish I had taken the time to know you more. I am so sorry for your abandonment, so painful.
I am mostly at peace with my father now and am happy to remember the good moments including that he did always have that photo in the hall!
Your message has come with such beautiful timing and I am truly grateful. With much love to you xx