I wasn’t sure if I would ever write this post, if I would ever talk about it so very openly. It is delicate, because I am not wanting to hurt those involved and yet inevitably, just by broaching the subject, I will. So the choice becomes between knowingly causing pain to another and healing myself.
I have chosen to heal myself.
I have chosen to withdraw contact from my mother, for the time being. It has not been an easy or light decision, but after 40 years of a very fragile and damaging relationship, it is time for a break.
The rain is buffeting ferociously as I type these words and I feel the chill run through me from the safety of my sitting room. The fierce rain reflecting the power of my tears.
I am not going to discuss the minutiae of wounding that has occurred to create this breaking point, that would be unnecessary pain for all involved, but it is important to know that it goes against every aching cell of my body to cut the energetic life line to my mother; that this has been the very last resort of a gazillion resorts. To feel that I have no longer have a mother, and not by death, is the most painful thing I have ever had to experience.
And I write about it because there is huge shame surrounding these dynamics in life. Shame that my mother can’t love me enough; shame that I have failed as a daughter; shame that the most primal and most basic of relationships has been severed; shame that I deprive my children of their grandmother. Shame, shame, shame…
We went to therapy before Christmas, my mother and I, one of those last resorts….. It didn’t bring us closer as I had hoped. It didn’t help to create a mutual understanding. It did help me to see that I cannot keep asking, begging for something that cannot be given. It did help me see how the shame I carry for not making it ‘work’ poisons my own family, the heaviness of rejection and pain leaks out in unhealthy ways.
And with that I saw that I needed to take a break. To give myself a chance to be the best I can be without the burden of being a ‘difficult daughter’. To give my family a chance to start afresh without the binds of ancestral suffering.
I hope that one day I will be able to walk beside my mother again in total acceptance of who she is, but for that to happen I need to be clear and strong and grounded with who I am without her.
I need to emancipate myself.
With grateful thanks to Bethany Webster and her phenomenal work ‘Healing the Mother Wound’.
Tears to my eyes, tightness in my chest as we all go through an inevitable separation from our parents as we do too from our children. Hearing/reading you touches on our personal journey, perhaps an universal journey. We all have had in similar ways to travel this path withgreater or lesser hurdles. How do we walk this with out hurting too much but hurting some to create the learning and healing? Wishing you that that acceptance comes soon. Hugs & X R
Hugs to you too and for your journey. Thank you for your kind words. Xx
Dear Amanda,
Every now and then I am reading your wonderful and inspiring blogs. This one particularly touched me because of my own experience.
I also do not have contact with my mother and I know it can be a very difficult and painful decision. I took the decision to stop contact about 5 years ago (after years of ups and downs) and it has been very very difficult. Especially the first couple of years but over the years I feel much more grounded on my own feet and in my own life. And feel I am really healing. I let go of all the negative thoughts and feel that I could be ready for (very low key) contact in a while. But I will always keep my distance and be on guard if I do decide to renew our contact.
I wish you strength and surroundings with loved ones in these difficult times!
Love and hugs,
Nicole (your old Ham Dutch neighbour)
Ps We are doing well in Japan, already been living here for 10 years now! Ayumi is 16 now and a happy high schooler, Yuna is 12,5 and a happy junior high schooler 😉
Nicole! So gorgeous to hear from you after so many years. I was just remembering, a few weeks ago, the time I was St Nick for your lovely girls :-).
Thank you so much for your lovely & thoughtful comment. I’m sorry that you too have had to make the hard decision to create space and separation from your mother. It is a momentous thing but, like you, see it as my path for healing and, hopefully one day, careful contact.
Much love and happiness to you and your family (I can’t believe how big your girls are now!!) A xxx