Alick Elithorn
16th December 1920 – 16th April 2013
Alick was an extraordinary mind and a complex individual. His long life and extended battle towards the end pays its own tribute to his strength and determination, not forgetting his stubbornness. His relationships, both professional and personal, were detailed stories in and of themselves, with each holding their own unique and different memories of his character.
Through facing some challenging family situations as a small boy, it is not hard to see why he chose a career of passion in studying the mind and no matter how complicated his personal life became, it is clear that he excelled in his field.
His peers describe him as a ‘genius’,’ ahead of his time’ and a ‘pioneer’ and his CV reveals the depths of his knowledge and experience. From fellowships to department heads, lecturer to researcher, his vision was sought after and in some cases exploited. His cerebral intelligence was highlighted in his ability to create computer programmes for conducting psychological and neuropsychological assessment and as his colleague Gary Kay expressed, ‘he remained one of the most creative minds in the area of cognitive assessment’. Certainly, as his offspring, we were also his guinea pigs for endless rounds of Maze and C-tests in front of the computer.
But it didn’t stop there. Beyond the endless research and new projects that were constantly evolving, he would also stretch his interest to other areas. Founding ‘Families Need Fathers’ and running Game Advice; inventing his own board game and an infatuation with website names; there was always a new scheme, a new idea bubbling away. How he had much time for a personal life is remarkable achievement in itself, but he certainly made enough time to live through two marriages, four children, 5 grandchildren and a few more significant and important unions.
And so we come to Alick, the father. It is no secret that he struggled at times in connecting with us, his children, yet when sharing our memories, we all have these nuggets of gold that he gave us. Whether for Justin, such practical gifts; deeply ingrained memories of learning how to light a fire or change the wheel on a car; memories that are stimulated regularly in daily life. For Cavendish, it’s the habit of intellectual curiosity, Alick would always challenge him to think and discover for himself; whether it was returning questions about the world, disassembling an old phone or finding his way round computers. For myself, freedom, a knowledge that ploughing your own path is not only acceptable but also exciting and stimulating. And for Clare, we can only speculate, she has taken her gifts with her as she rests in peace, but considering her vocation as a radiologist, she definitely claimed his desire to heal.
His role as a father was probably the hardest challenge for him, as children mirror their parent’s fears and shadows, we certainly pressed his buttons. But aside from the practicalities of parenting, which left him fairly bemused, he always had a scheme or project that he wanted to include us in and that has to stand on its own as a testament to his desire to have us involved in his life.
Above all he was a passionate eccentric. A man who looked in his diary only to discover that he had missed an entire evening held in his honour; a man who drove us around Eastbourne for hours looking for the hotel for his conference, sure he had good reason to have remembered the hotel’s name but at a loss as to what it was – he had, it was The Cavendish. A man that had a ditty to sing on every occasion; who bought morris minors as if they were going out of fashion; who had bizarre concoctions of food bubbling on his stove; and who brought a homeless man into his house to live with him as a personal project. . He was difficult, charismatic, charming, challenging, harsh, funny, unique and ultimately one-of-a-kind. He will never be forgotten, he made sure of that.
We say goodbye to him with a melting pot of feelings swirling through us, but what I see in myself and in my brothers is an unexpected tenderness towards this unfathomable man and I am happy that we can send him off with that.
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The Beauty Of Death – (Part Two – The Ascending)
by Kahlil Gibran
I have passed a mountain peak and my soul is soaring in the firmament of complete and unbound freedom;
I am far, far away, my companions, and the clouds are hiding the hills from my eyes.
The valleys are becoming flooded with an ocean of silence, and the hands of oblivion are engulfing the roads and the houses;
The prairies and fields are disappearing behind a white specter that looks like the spring cloud, yellow as the candlelight and red as the twilight.
The songs of the waves and the humans of the streams are scattered, and the voices of the throngs reduced to silence;
And I can hear naught but the music of eternity in exact harmony with the spirit’s desires.
I am cloaked in full whiteness;
I am in comfort;
I am in peace.
A very moving tribute. I was looking for news about Alick today when I found the obituary in the Times. My wife and I only saw him once after he left London for Oxford, but I kept in touch from time to time via email and the odd telephone call. You must be the young lady we met once at Constantine Road when he invited us for supper and we all ate together along an immensely long table decked out with food and computer parts. I seem to remember that you put on some sort of show for us, but perhaps my memory betrays me.
Dear Rod, thank you for your words. Whilst I don’t remember the specific evening you recall, all the other elements ring bells – the long table with food and computer bits; and yes I did tend to put on ‘shows’ in my childhood days. So it was most likely me you met. Your name is certainly very familiar to me so it must mean Dad spoke of you often. I’m sorry you had to find out from the internet, it was hard to inform all the trails of friendship from his 92 years. If there is anything else you’d like to know, please feel free to contact me privately. Blessings, Amanda x
Rather late to be writing this but so much resonated with me. Certainly way ahead of his time. I was lucky enough to work with Dr Elithorn as his houseman and then for 18 months on his Interhemispheric Evoked Potential work with Alex Telford in the early 70’s. He was stimulating but also infuriating as the ideas and changes didn’t stop flowing enough for us always to complete enough runs for analysis … Two things that stand out was his call when I was on duty to, no not ask about the patients, but to tap my knowledge about where he might get a muslin to make apple jelly! The other was one of those supreme Alick moments travelling back from Maida Vale when he grabbed his Dictaphone and put a reminder on it. He then looked at me quite seriously and said the only trouble was he did not have time to listen to it!! Despite al his eccentricities, I remember a very kind man and I am glad to have known him. Jackie Jones
Dear Jackie
Thank you for your message, I love to hear stories of my father’s eccentricities as they bring a humour to the relationship, that in reality wasn’t always there. As we, my brothers & I, have discovered, the external impressions of my father are far more favourable than our own, but again it is a positive thing to uncover and expands the understanding of who my father was.
With best wishes
Amanda
I just found this when I tried to find out what happened to the family Elithorn/Grant. I found out that both Wendy and Alick has passed away, and so had Claire. I was working as an au pair in the family 68-69. I went through my pictures just the other day. Anyway they were divorced by that time but Alick came for supper every night. If you see this and are interested I can tell some stories. But I’m wondering what happened to Justin? I’m often thinking about my year in London. Best wishes Agneta Friberg from Sweden.
Dear Agneta
Thank you for your message. I would love to hear more stories. I understood their separation to be very difficult, so it surprises me that he was there for supper every night! Justin is alive and well and living in Scotland. If you send me an email to my account amanda@soulreflection.co.uk I can forward it on to Justin, who I’m sure would love to hear from you. Best wishes. Amanda
Alick did not found Families Need Fathers. The original article in the Guardian announcing FNF on 12 June 1974 was from Keith Parkin. Trevor Berry was most instrumental in its early development. It is possible he knew the founders or advised them. Maybe a young child misremembers their father’s role.
Dear John
Thank you for your comment. I wonder what your attachment/association is with this? I have clarified with my mother who confirms my father was indeed a founder of FNF. Keith Parkin put an advert in the paper asking for fathers having access issues. Keith met my father and mother and between them created FNF with Keith as Chair, my father as secretary and my mother as treasurer. It was also my father who wrote the constitution. My mother is very clear that it would not have been created solely by Keith and was a joint partnership. Not that this really matters deeply to me, but I am repeating her memories in case that eases your concerns. Please do feel free to discuss this further with me if you feel necessary. With kindest regards, Amanda
How timely! I mentioned Alick to a budding psychology student friend who has kindly re-acquainted me with this tribute to him; He and I worked together for several years, initially on working up a funding bid for the Children’s Hope Foundation for children affected by the Chernobyl meltdown contamination but subsequently , as others, on testing his tests, and the Advice game for a PC and with Alex Telford, the network version.
At the start of our friendship I was based South of the Thames so we would meet up near Kings Cross, but after a while I lodged with him at Constantine Rd for a couple of years up to 2000. Alex was always a most generous host through whom I met all his families, lady friends, patients and a very quarrelsome lodger who threatened Alick with a sword – as a witness I supported Alick in the Court case where Alick, although the victim, was charged because he had changed the locks for all our safety.
In his last few years we used to dine together in Oxford at Rose Hill or in town and attend the local church when it was a week-end visit. As I moved away to West Wales I ended visiting after his move into Cowley but we kept in touch and he very kindly remembered our friendship by granting me the pick of his extensive book collection in his will.
A great man, a dear friend and source of inspiration, comfort, and challenge to all he met.
Hi Anthony
Thank you so much for your comment and memories. I love that my tribute to my father generates these messages from his friends and peers and helps me build a more balanced picture of him in retrospect. One of the things that remains unanswered in me is his relationship to God that he seemingly made during his last years. You are the first person I know who attended church with him and I would love to hear more about what you think Alick’s journey was with God. My siblings are I were all in disbelief when he asked for a vicar for his funeral, which couldn’t match the man we knew with one who believed in God. I have met him in spirit since so I know this to be true, but I would love to hear any more stories that you may have. Best wishes, Amanda xx