I realised this morning how much I have strived not to be me.
I received a litany of messages whilst growing up and continuing to this day about who I was and about who I wasn’t. Just a few weeks ago I was told by someone who disagreed with my life choices, how it was not just her, many other people had ‘observed’ me and come to the same conclusion. What that conclusion was is still a mystery, but, by implication, is was not good.
And this morning I was in the shower, watching my little boy bash his way around the bathroom, thinking about the bio-energetic healing session I had yesterday. I felt great, the practitioner had been awesome and had really cleared some blocks for me, my body felt clear and expectant, yet there was still a niggle, a feeling of being unsettled, incomplete.
And there is was, the epiphany moment, the realisation that I had been trying to appease these life long message. I have done workshops and therapies and healing and meditations and they have all held such gifts and gold for me but I was waiting for them all to release this person that I was supposed to be. They were meant to unlock that ‘unselfish, noble, kind, gentle, agreeable, presentable’ me and all the ‘shocking, difficult, challenging, questioning, explorative, imaginative’ me would be left behind on a consultation room floor. Disgarded, no longer required. Yet no matter what work I had done on myself, this had never happened, I was still ‘me’.
I am who I am.
Because I AM all of those things and many more; sometimes I sail with golden light and sometimes I stagger with confusion and angst; I respond with wisdom and kindess and also with thoughtlessness and jealousy; I love fiercely and I withdraw it angrily. I am the beautiful complexity of human nature and I am me.
Those messages I have received are around us all, through family, through media, through fear. They were passed to me like a baton from one generation to the next, not one person to blame, we are all accountable for the place we are at now. But let’s stop the relay race. Let’s remember our indivdual uniqueness and raise our children to discover who they are without needing to be only ‘good and kind’ but instead allow all of those feelings that make us swoop and soar.
I am who I am and I am good enough.
With enormous gratitude to:
Emma Jenkins http://www.theapexhealingnetwork.com/#/home/4540514555
Juliette Clancy (http://www.julietteclancycounselling.com/) & Paula Alter – both of Transitions Europe http://www.transitionseurope.com/home.aspx