Grapes or Blueberries?

Bear with me for a moment as I recount my breakfast moment today….

I was munching on my cereal this morning and bit down on a texture that felt unexpected. I presumed it was an ‘odd’ blueberry. I had momentarily forgotten that I had put my kids left over grapes in my bowl too. What struck me was that despite being familiar with grapes and their texture, my instant belief was that there were only blueberries in my cereal and therefore I had to ‘make’ this a blueberry.

I hope I haven’t lost you already because actually this blew my mind as such an amazingly profound recognition of human understanding.

We define situations entirely based on our own belief.

Here in bold it might not look mind-blowing, in fact it could look quite ‘whatever’. But what I experienced this morning was how unthinkingly I believed it to be a blueberry, how despite being open-minded and a free thinker etc etc, I needed to believe it was a blueberry because that’s all I thought I had in my bowl.

Every day I am becoming more and more aware of the truth behind the adage ‘until you have walked in their shoes’.  For me it has taken a backlash of reactions from friends and family to some of my own choices to highlight this to me, so even from the darkness of these times, I am grateful for their judgements. I am grateful because I see that from their position, their place, their beliefs my choices are ‘difficult’ and I also see how loving and compassionate and kind they are and if they walked in my shoes just for a moment, they would ‘get it’. They just don’t know that I am a grape, not a blueberry. If they did, they would accept me as a grape, instead I’m an ‘odd’ blueberry.

This post is surreal, even for me as I write it, but it is an epiphany moment. It’s the relative understanding that every assumption we make upon another is based on thinking they are blueberries, when instead they could be kiwi, lime, pineapple, bread, chocolate, egg…. I’m laughing as I write this, but it really could shift our dynamics if we grasped this concept and ran with it. Imagine every time someone riled you, you were able to pause and recognise they weren’t a match in that moment, they weren’t a blueberry and as such you couldn’t actually be sure that if you weren’t a blueberry too, perhaps you might just behave in the same way. If you were a grape or a tomato, perhaps you would act that way too, say those things, dance that dance and laugh that laugh and it would seem oh so normal and ordinary.

So I am so grateful for my grape mistake which will fruitliy remind me that my beliefs are mine and very valid they are too, but they are not for everyone.

Where have all our mother’s gone?

Feminism brought material equality but enforced a suppression of one of our most vital and vibrant energies – that of the mother. Feminism has had its time and I’m grateful to all those women who fought for our future, now we must shift again.

Moons ago, matriarchal societies were common place; woman was respected and honoured for all of her strengths, not least her extraordinary gift of growing, birthing and raising our children. Pendulums have swung and times have changed and right now we are at a place where we don’t seem to respect each other or even ourselves as mothers.

I recently read an article citing that we must live and let live, each to their own, birth how we want, natural or c- section, it is an individual’s choice. Yet such a crucial element has been missed from this. Bearing children is a rite of passage, the experience provides us and our children with tools a plenty; faith, courage, strength, ecstasy, joy, challenge, beauty, to name a few. It is every woman’s right to live and experience these rites of passage as they were designed. By ‘accepting’ epidurals, c-sections, suctions etc as a choice rather than an absolute necessity for the smallest fraction of the population, we are disempowering ourselves and each other. We are telling each other that we are not strong enough, good enough, brave enough, natural enough.

We were born with the capacity to birth our future generations and yet by the time we reach our due dates we are filled with doubt and fears and we allow our patriarchal society to tell us that we can only do this with lots and lots of (predominately male) help.

Step back into your power woman.

Reclaim your wisdom, your strength and your courage.

Support your kindred spirits whose birth stories fall below their hopes and dreams and use them to learn how to ensure that your story and that of your sisters and daughters are ones of deep knowing and power. That you hold the spirit of woman in your womb as you birth.

‘Live and let live’ is a beautiful adage when held poetically and lightly but not when it excuses the disastrous place we are at with our birth stories today. Not when it removes the support network of knowledge and wisdom from our peers and elders. Not when mothers and babies are dying from intervention after intervention. We know how to birth.

We are women and we are mothers. Whether we choose to bring our own children into this world, or not, our personal mother energy is a vitally intrinsic part of who we are. How we express it can change the world.

Kindness and compassion, courage and wisdom, let’s bring these to our birthing places, to our work places, to our schools and to our homes. Find your circle of women, sit and remember your ancestors, remember who you are.

You are a WOMAN.

 
(Apologies to all the men reading this, you are, of course, a Man….)

My Father’s Daughter

This week I visited my father’s last house, the one where he died, but probably the one I also knew least. My brother is clearing it out and I went to see if there were any books I wished to claim out of his vast (maybe 10,000 strong) collection.

Despite him dying in April, this was really the first moment when I felt the hard thump of grief and loss hit my heart. When I looked up at the row upon row of books, I remembered how like him I am. For my father’s other children and inheritors of his collection, the books are more of a bind and a headache, for me I wish I could keep every single one.

I love books. They are my ultimate escape hatches, opening their pages and disappearing within; they quench my thirst for knowledge, momentarily but refreshingly; they offer support when paths I might choose are challenging or solitary; and they guide me, from one stepping stone to the next.

So I walked in and felt the tears rise, overwhelmed with the task of choosing just enough to remember him by but not too many that will overcrowd our already bulging shelves at home. I ran my fingers along the spines asking for guidance to lead me to just the right ones and my eyes flickered back and forth between the titles. Freud, Bertrand Russell, Havelock Ellis, Jung…. too many volumes from all of these masters. Books on every aspect of mind exploration – child psychology, suicide, love, marriage, homosexuality, work ethics, statistics; onto the biographies, histories, games and maths. Barely touching the fiction.

And it hit me square on.

I am my father’s daughter.

I look so like my mother, but we are worlds apart in our thinking. And whilst I cannot claim to be simpatico with my father’s thoughts, we did ‘get’ each other, just about. His emails to me in the year before he died were of love and forgiveness, not in an easy and wholesome way, nothing fairytale or Hollywood about them, but enough, for him and for me.

And now he has gone, the maverick, the explorer, the risk taker and adventurer. He passed me the baton at birth and I have hesitated, run with it, thrown it away in disgust and picked it up again guiltily. But I am my father’s daughter and I will carry the baton by my side as courage and support for the paths that I dare to choose.

Blessings for my gifts

My blog intentionally explores issues that are often shadows of ourselves, parts hidden in shame or ideas that are sometimes emotionally provocative. I want it to be raw and honest and a place for other’s to recognise themselves and know that it can be ok.

Still, I have recently felt a little weighed down by the density of emotion I am carrying, especially whilst facing grief in so many diverse reflections and I want to remember my blessings, bring my energy up to touch my joy.

So here I wish to bless my children who bring such beauty, challenge, love, joy, humour, honesty and trust to my life. As someone who can be afraid of doing things ‘wrong’, they show me how much fun it can be and what new and interesting directions it can reveal.

Whilst each child holds a myriad of unique and characterful traits, yet still there are some that are stronger in each and they hold the light of that energy to me.

My daughter is love and compassion, she shows me with her sensitivity how brusque I can be and reflects it back to me with tenderness. She carries the weight of the world in one hand and with the other she releases it with her simple and profound philosophies. She offers and receives her love but is not needy with it, she is clear when she wishes to be held and when she does not, it brings the honesty back to unconditional love. I have much to learn from this wise soul, who tells me of her time in the stars and who sees all the love around her.

My son is joy, full to the brim. His smile splits his face in two and it is easy and quick to come. He already finds his own jokes and creates his own laughter and brings everyone into his play and enjoyment. He is balanced and tempered by his expressions of frustration and annoyance, yet still so easy brought back to lightness and giggles with kisses and tickles. I have struggled with joy…. it is not an easy emotion for me, so I feel so keenly the beauty of his, the preciousness, the gift.

As my husband and I share a path of learning to hold ourselves present and being in the moment with these gifts from heaven, we learn to embrace their softness, their adventure, their tiny hands and growing feet; we learn to listen to their needs and learn to listen to our own; we let ourselves remember that this is love, no more or less, not complex.

We remember that we are blessed.

Perfect Imperfect

In some dark recess of my memory, I recall ‘perfect imperfect’ being some non-sensical rule to English Grammar. It was not my forte, despite my vocational yearn towards writing. However, today it means something very different to me.

This week I was cutting an onion and in the very centre was a tough node, a little bit of skin hidden deep within the flesh. Imperfect. I went to pull it out and discard it, so as not to mire the dish I was creating and it flashed through my head how centuries of cooks, mothers, nurturers would barely have registered this imperfection, that it would all have gone into the pot with gratitude and so it did mine.

And my thoughts unravelled from there as I realised how much of our daily lives are defined by thoughts of perfectionism and I’m not even talking about the extremities of beauty, art, body & form; I’m talking about the tiny little details that start to create a sense of unease.

The tough little node of an onion; droplets of water spilt from a cup; gravel stones on the lawn; scratches on paintwork; a missed pleasantry; a misspelt word; too much garlic; a late arrival… endless moments of imperfection.

And it came to me, ‘perfect imperfect’, because it all is and it is meant to be, in complete perfection, just as it is.

With deep gratitude for that perfectly imperfect onion.

I am not here.

This week my beautiful four year old became a teenager, she started throwing things with intent and frustration to grab my attention, she was shouty and demanding. Normal? Not for her… it is because I am not here.

I am not here because last week my cousin died, he left this world and moved on. I am not here because just last week he came for lunch and spent hours here, talking and being and connecting with us. That night he died. I am not here because my head is full of it, full of his energy that still sits in our home, full of his dreams and aspirations that he had been sharing with us, full of our spirit connection, our understanding, now gone.

I am not here because I am grieving the loss of a great friend and a man who knew and shared my passions in life for enquiry, discovery and healing. I am grieving for this man who was courage, who was integrity and who was truth; a soulful human being who inspired me and supported me as I did him.

I miss him.

I see my children need me, they have shown me well and I have brought myself back to them, but as I sit in the darkness at my computer I know I am still not here.

Am I a murderer?

It is with increasing distress that I see and hear of more and more families and individuals being persecuted for choosing not to vaccinate themselves and their children. I use ‘persecuted’, a powerful word, with intent. In my eyes, it is no different to the paediatrician who was hunted out by locals thinking he was a paedophile. The media hype and ignorance behind these verbal and emotional attacks are horrifying. Naming parents as ‘negligent’ and ‘murderers’ because of their personal choices is just not OK.

Although I have never hidden our family’s vaccine status and have shared numerous articles via social networks, I have yet to sit down and lay it on the table. The time has come.

I was brought up and educated in a highly scientific style; logic and evidence were absolutely paramount to any conflict of opinion, there was certainly no space for anything ‘wishy washy’. I am grateful for this upbringing and the tools it has given me to examine scenarios that I face in life, I have a questioning and enquiring mind as a result. It is with this energy that I came to question the idea of vaccines. From a logical perspective, I had totally bought into the vaccine theory – stimulate the immune system with a small dose of virus, create immunity and hey presto, no need to live through the actual disease. It made absolute sense. What didn’t make sense to me was injecting new born or 8 week old babies with anything. I think nature is awesome, it doesn’t make mistakes, so I see no reason to interrupt that incredible survival technique that it has created to allow our human race and animal kingdom to propagate so successfully. So I opted for natural, drug free home births for my children, on demand and full term breastfeeding and no unnecessary interventions (including vaccines) until further notice….

So that was it, I was just going to delay, wait until their systems were a little stronger, wait until they really needed ‘protecting’, because whilst I was breastfeeding, they had the best protection money could buy – well actually it’s free….

But I wanted to be sure, of course I didn’t want to endanger my children, expose them unnecessarily etc etc. So the research begin. Four years later, I am still researching and reading and listening every single day, but I am on a completely different path to what I expected and here’s why:

1) Creating Immunity – our bodies create immunity through a series of complex steps. Paramount to this is how the viruses enter our system. In nature we inhale or ingest and our first stage immune response starts in the nasal passages. It is a gentle but effective process (nature rocks!). When we inject, penetrate our natural defenses (skin) we create an unnatural immune response, it goes into hyper-drive, skips some vital steps and causes an overstimulated reaction. Whilst this system (injection) can, though not always, create antibodies, they are not a sign of immunity but merely a sign of immune system reaction.

2)Toxins – the first vaccines created were just the virus and a bit of ‘housing’ for the virus (egg for example). Nothing happened. Realising that the immune system did not react to this, the scientists decided to aggravate the immune system, to give it a kick start. This meant including ‘poison’ in the injections. Over the years that has included mercury, formaldehyde, aluminum and a whole host of other things. Some have been so instantaneously toxic, they have been removed, other have stayed. Evidence suggests that they do just that, they stay in your system and build up to super toxic levels. On top of which we have preservatives to keep the vaccine ‘fresh’ and/or antibiotics to ‘prevent bacterial contamination during manufacturing’ like the MMR (neomycin). Take a look at the insert for any vaccine and check the full list of ingredients. One scientist is the field of vaccine research told me that they simply included egg white and virus – this is not the case.

3) Research – I like research, I like statistics and I like facts, but my brother has always shown me the way stats can be twisted, that compliant figures can be shown and unhelpful results hidden. Research needs to be very transparent and simple. In the vaccine world it isn’t. ALL drugs should undergo a ‘double blind placebo trial’ to ensure safety and efficacy (this means all parties, doctors & patients are unaware of what they are giving & receiving and that the placebo is an inert substance like saline solution in order to ensure there is a comparison to the ‘norm’). This is NOT done for vaccines, under the guise of ‘ethics’ – that exposure to these diseases is not ethical*, they have found a way not to test with a true placebo**. Except once…. In 1979, a large scale community-based double blind randomized controlled trial was carried out in Chingleput district of South India to evaluate the protective effect of BCG against bacillary forms of pumonary tuberculosis. From among 366,625 individuals registered, 281,161 persons were vaccinated with BCG or placebo by random allocation. The results showed that BCG did NOT offer any protection against adult forms of bacillary pulmonary tuberculosis. The BCG vaccine is not part of the vaccine schedule in the States.

I have also personally spoken to a number of scientific researcher who have all, independently, corroborated the fact that research across many industries is repeated and repeated until the desired result is found, then all the other research is discarded. This means they could trial a drug 100 times and only once have it show efficacy, yet they publish that one trial and bin the rest.  Transparent? No.

4) Natural Immunity – it works. It has done for thousands of years. We contract a disease and depending on our general health, express is strongly, mildly or not at all. We then have, more often than not, life long immunity. If the vaccines work to stimulate our immune system and create immunity, why do we need boosters? Or perhaps it’s just those antibodies that are stimulated, those small markers they may or may not mean immunity… where does that leave our protection against disease?

5) Self Limiting Disease – so I had totally bought into the ‘vaccines have removed disease from the face of the earth’. Nope. The data shows us that the diseases were already on their way out. Education in good health, sanitation, nutrition, fresh water and reducing over-crowded living had brought the diseases to their knees. They had already almost disappeared or were in their natural self limiting cycles. The graphs here show the decline of the diseases relative to the introduction of the vaccines. Take Scarlet Fever as an example, no vaccine for that, yet are we suffering global epidemics? What about smallpox? Again, virtually eradicated before the vaccine was even introduced. In fact, in the Philippines, where they had never had a single case of smallpox, they ran a vaccine drive and induced the world’s largest smallpox outbreak, killing hundreds. (And the town with one of the lowest smallpox mortality in Europe was Leicester, UK, who also had one fo the lowest rate of vaccination but had adopted methods of hygiene – see the Leicester Method.)

6) The Fear of Diseases – so I looked at each disease and whether or not I or my children would have to suffer or be left with life changing issues should we contract any of the diseases. And the answer was no. Look back at medical reporting just 50 years ago and measles, mumps, rubella etc are all described as mild childhood illness. Only the media has hyped them to a point of hysteria, printing emotive pictures and fear. As with ANY sickness, if you are in good health, emotionally and physically, you will process a disease without any serious side effects. If you are immune compromised the outcome can be different, but you should also not be taking vaccines (as indicated by the pharmaceutical companies) if you are immune compromised. What about Polio, Tetanus? Big fear around these diseases. Again all perfectly manageable, it doesn’t mean you won’t have discomfort but you will be OK. There is a great video by Suzanne Humphries, MD on her research on the Polio debate here. And Tetanus…. you can get tetanus as many times as applies to your life and exposure, ie immunity for tetanus does not exist; compounded by its rarity, for example, in the UK just one OAP dies every 2 years from tetanus infection despite over 500,000 children remaining unvaccinated (5% of the child population).

6)What is Dis-Ease? My relationship to dis-ease has shifted too. I now see it as a helpful rather than worrying thing. We are surrounded by pathogens, viruses, bacteria all the time but only when we are ‘susceptible’ will we express the sickness. This is our bodies using the tools of this world to detox, to use vomiting, diarrhoea, rashes, mucus to expel toxins and give our systems a cleanse. When illness turns up in our house, I welcome it and support it through the process, not suppressing symptoms but allowing the complete cycle to play out. We are stronger and healthier as a result of the sickness we have dealt with.

To cover the issue of Herd Immunity, whilst we’re on the topic, let’s look at what that should mean – ‘A population where the majority are vaccinated creating a cocoon of disease free bodies to protect the vulnerable.’ It doesn’t exist. My generation, and those of my parents, did not receive the full raft of vaccines available today, nor did we receive the boosters (deemed unnecessary in our day, before they discovered the vaccines ‘wear off’). Therefore we are technically ‘not immune’, there is no cocoon of immune population. Anyone see the epidemics of diseases anywhere? Not I. But I do see that wild polio has self limited in India, yet vaccine induced Polio is on the up and killing people. (“In 2011, there were an extra 47,500 new cases of NPAFP [in India]. Clinically indistinguishable from polio paralysis but twice as deadly, the incidence of NPAFP was directly proportional to doses of oral polio received.”) I do see children with vaccine damage. I do see an unprecedented surge in auto immune disorders and in cancer.

So what I found after all my research, including a raft of peer reviewed medical studies (see just one list of resources here), was that I couldn’t find a reason TO vaccinate. I followed the logic and the common sense and it led me here.

And one last question… if vaccines do work, why are you all so afraid of us that don’t vaccinate? Aren’t you protected?

Am I a murderer?

Not I.

————-

With unending gratitude to Anna Watson for fact checking, support, inspiration and most importantly establishing Arnica, UK Parents’ Support Network.  Also to Heidi Stevenson at Gaia Health for her indepth research and wisdom. There are a multitude of resources out there, but to start the ball rolling I also highly recommend The Informed Parent  and the film, The Greater Good.

* Many in the unvaccinated community are happy to stand and have even asked to be included in trials as a comparison to vaccinated status. They have been declined. However an independent study in Germany of over 17,000 (much larger than many pharmaceutical clinical trials) indicates that unvaccinated children are 500 times healthier than vaccinated children

** Placebo’s used in current trials are comparator vaccines, this means that the results show toxic load compared to toxic load with the variation being the virus it holds. These are not acceptable tests and end up creating a false concept that certain numbers and types of side-effects are acceptable.

Divided We Fall

United we stand and divided we fall… This motto feels immensely powerful for me right now, I am noticing how divided we are becoming in our society, in our social groups, in our families. We have developed a culture of making people ‘wrong’.

Before I begin to explore this theme, I would like to stand up and acknowledge how much I do that. How if someone disagrees with me, I have to find a way to make them wrong, and not just their specific opinion, but I might go ahead and assassinate their entire character whilst I’m at it.

I recognise this in me and I want do it differently.

From governments, to global media, to school gates and offices, to tea with the folks and pints down the pub, everyone is sharing a judgement about someone else’s choice. The government are slowly defining more and more details about our personal choices, they are no longer just taking care of our roads and border safety, they wish to enforce protocols on healthcare, education, birthing rights and the minutiae of their current views on morality. This year alone, whether in the UK or within other westernised countries, the governments are withdrawing support for home-births, introducing mandated vaccines, supporting the patents of plant seeds (our food to be ‘owned’). On TV, we are bombarded with shows that require us to polarise our views, call in to make someone the winner or loser, right or wrong, talented or not. I have had people literally turn away from me because they have heard that I use homeopathy, because their judgement that it is ‘irrational science’ means that every other thought or opinion I hold is tainted by this wayward stance. Most recently, I felt shunned by a group of women because I expressed my disappointment of a toy store that seemed only to sell plastic toys, I was immediately categorised, from that fatal statement, as ‘one of those mums’.

When we look at the dawns of religion, the message we receive is that God, of whichever brand, gave us freewill. A believer or not, that is a truth, we all have choices and voices and the opportunity to live as we see fit. Yet, somewhere along the line we decided to create laws and rules and started this crescendoing avalanche of the ‘wrong factor’, somewhere along the line we decided to put someone else in charge of our decisions. We disempowered ourselves, we stepped out of accountability for our own actions and chose for someone else to be in charge.

But I hear you holler from the back, we need rules, we need moral codes, we need the structure otherwise it’s pure anarchy and chaos. I get that, I get the ‘need for it’, the fear of total pandemonium…. but perhaps there is another way.

Perhaps we can do some serious paradigm shifts and turn this world upside down, inside out and come out zen like on the other side… I remember reading a chapter of the Continuum Concept (by Jean Liedloff) where she talks about how a tribal village (still very separate from modern day philosophies) dealt with issues within their community. If someone had done something that was upsetting to the group, they would circle them, the whole village standing around the individual and they would spend hours if not days recounting their own personal, and most importantly, positive stories of that individual until they had remembered their true worth and value.

Isn’t that the nub of it? We aren’t born ‘wrong’ or evil or sinful, but full of the beauty of love and humanity. We don’t need rules to make us into good people, to keep us on the straight and narrow. We just need to be reminded sometimes that we are amazing, each and every one of us. So what if we try this, just one moment at a time? What if we all make a commitment to stop making each other wrong, to allow each of us our own paths and choices, to raise our children to know the value of themselves not the value of the rules? One step at a time…

I commit to acknowledging when I categorise someone else’s choice as wrong and I strive to alter my thinking to embrace each individual as just that, a unique, wholesome and inherently divine soul.

United we can stand.

 

Quick Fixes are leading us down a Heartbreaking Path

There’s a theme going on, a thread that runs through all the issues that are behind the funk we human’s are sitting in right now. And it is the ‘Quick Fix’.

It doesn’t matter what subject I explore, whether it’s parenting, health, education, community, work-life et al, the energetic blocks to these systems are solutions that have no longevity.

Starting with an aspect of parenting, which is the foundation stone of where our future generations lead us, I always like to consider what an uncluttered and uninterfered tribal principle would be to any of the issues or choices that arise. (Inspired by Jean Liedloff, The Continuum Concept). As a simple overview, one block that we’ve hit is that our children are not ‘sleeping through the night’ and we are left exhausted. Quick Fix – Sleep Training. What happens in nature? Co-sleeping, full time parenting, on-demand breastfeeding. The studies show us that high levels of stress in babies and infants cause permanent emotional & developmental issues in the brain. Sleep training is a damaging solution, so instead let’s look wider, how can we recreate community support? How can we re-educate families on the basic needs of our babies? Do we need to be reminded that it is our job, whether a stay at home mum or career high flier, it is still our RESPONSIBILITY to nurture and support our babies to adulthood.

 ‘if you don’t get up for your children when they are young, you will get up for them when you are old’  Jewish Proverb

Healthcare – let’s look at the expanding pockets of chronic sickness in the world and no, they are not in 3rd world countries. Or course we can continue to help our global neighbours to good water and good nutrition, but let’s not pretend we’ve got this healthcare thing sorted. Our cancer and autoimmune disorder rates are soaring. Iatrogenic deaths, those caused by the medical system, are in the top 5, sometimes even top place, in the western world. Infant mortality and postnatal deaths are on the increase in the USA and UK. We are trying to FIX our health with toxic drugs, unresearched vaccines and short-sighted vision. Health is holistic, it’s not a ‘hippy’ phrase, we are more than the sum of bones, muscles & flesh. We are complex individuals where our emotions play a huge part in our health. We had a flashbulb moment of realising how important good sanitation, nutrition and familial support are to our daily health, but we are quickly forgetting these simple saviours, in favour of pumping ourselves full of toxins.

Education – we have broken down education to the need to be able to read and write and are forcing it down the throats of our children before they are intellectually ready. Children desire to learn, it is innate and natural. If we foster their natural abilities, they will fly with passion, enthusiasm, wisdom and knowledge. Instead they are blinded by stats and assessments, literacy levels and competition and we are creating children who feel exhausted by life before they have entered adulthood.

Throw me a ‘that’s what’s wrong with our society’ issue and I’ll show you how we are treating it with cheap sticking plaster rather than encouraging forward thinking, peaceful resolution, inspiration, healing and health.

Everyone of these issues deserves and needs some real exploration time and I am almost in danger of being too ‘quick’ in this blog with my own explanation. But I want to ring some bells, make some noise, shout out loud. We have to get off this path of the quick fix, take a deep breath and go back to some serious basics. Get back to nutritious, home cooked and home grown foods. Get back to nurturing our young to be the best that they can be. Get back to finding space and time to breathe and think. What is the danger if we stop for a moment? What is the risk?

PAUSE.

BREATHE.

REDISCOVER.

Life is for living, not dying…

 

I am who I am

I realised this morning how much I have strived not to be me.

I received a litany of messages whilst growing up and continuing to this day about who I was and about who I wasn’t. Just a few weeks ago I was told by someone who disagreed with my life choices, how it was not just her, many other people had ‘observed’ me and come to the same conclusion. What that conclusion was is still a mystery, but, by implication, is was not good.

And this morning I was in the shower, watching my little boy bash his way around the bathroom, thinking about the bio-energetic healing session I had yesterday. I felt great, the practitioner had been awesome and had really cleared some blocks for me, my body felt clear and expectant, yet there was still a niggle, a feeling of being unsettled, incomplete.

And there is was, the epiphany moment, the realisation that I had been trying to appease these life long message. I have done workshops and therapies and healing and meditations and they have all held such gifts and gold for me but I was waiting for them all to release this person that I was supposed to be. They were meant to unlock that ‘unselfish, noble, kind, gentle, agreeable, presentable’ me and all the ‘shocking, difficult, challenging, questioning, explorative, imaginative’ me would be left behind on a consultation room floor. Disgarded, no longer required. Yet no matter what work I had done on myself, this had never happened, I was still ‘me’.

I am who I am.

Because I AM all of those things and many more; sometimes I sail with golden light and sometimes I stagger with confusion and angst; I respond with wisdom and kindess and also with thoughtlessness and jealousy; I love fiercely and I withdraw it angrily. I am the beautiful complexity of human nature and I am me.

Those messages I have received are around us all, through family, through media, through fear. They were passed to me like a baton from one generation to the next, not one person to blame, we are all accountable for the place we are at now. But let’s stop the relay race. Let’s remember our indivdual uniqueness and raise our children to discover who they are without needing to be only ‘good and kind’ but instead allow all of those feelings that make us swoop and soar.

I am who I am and I am good enough.

With enormous gratitude to:

Emma Jenkins http://www.theapexhealingnetwork.com/#/home/4540514555

Juliette Clancy (http://www.julietteclancycounselling.com/) & Paula Alter  – both of Transitions Europe http://www.transitionseurope.com/home.aspx