friendship – Soul Reflection

Distorted Reflection

My homeopath (aka my well of mother wisdom and unconditional love) told me that I need to strengthen my boundaries when experiencing negative or critical attack.

And she is completely correct, except I have this huge voice inside me that says ‘don’t be so arrogant as to deflect criticism without first owning what is yours’. I believe in the principle that what is in existence in my life is a reflection of some part of myself, so if I am receiving negativity I have a part to play.

What I realise today is how I have distorted that reflection, no different to the waves across a pond turning clear lines into surrealist images when the stone hits the surface. In the film Pretty Woman, Julia Robert’s character says ‘The bad stuff is easier to believe, ever noticed that?’ and I think that is a default for most humans but certainly there are those, like myself, where my parental conditioning makes ‘the bad stuff’ feel like the ‘truth’.

I have focused recently on the bad stuff, why is this happening to me, what have I done?The usual self doubt. But despite an overwhelming smothering of love, support, reassurance and validation from a wonderful and significant circle of friends, I have only studied the reflection of the bad stuff.

The majority of ‘feedback’ in my life is positive, 97%, and I laugh when I hear myself say internally, but they’re your friends, of course they’re going to be nice about you! As if it doesn’t count. Somehow they are biased and can’t see me straight. Therefore the critic is the one whose opinion holds more weight. What a distorted reflection!

I have one friend who is utterly glorious in every which way, I could cry when I think of her loving generosity of spirit and kindness and she was recently psychically taken down by a total nutbag (IMO) and I wanted to shake her and cuddle her and fill up right back up to the top with love. How could she possibly let this person make her doubt her own gloriousness….. and then I see myself in her too.

I do get psychically taken down, I do have my inner child believing I am fundamentally bad and difficult and when people realise they will turn their back on me, just like my parents. My Now Self knows I’m a good, loving and conscientious person with all the natural flaws of humanity, but I clearly have some work to do on rewiring that inner child and the first thing I’m going to do is make sure she is listening to the 97% and maybe I’ll get her some ear defenders for that other 3%!

So yes it’s important to contemplate what is being reflected back to us in our lives, where we can grow and learn but it is more important to check if the reflection is clear or distorted by our own trauma or conditioning.

One amazing thing this past year has highlighted is how I am so profoundly grateful to my friends who shine my light for me when I am wandering in the dark. They guide me back home to my true self, flawed and perfect, just like them.

First published on social media on 9th July 2023

The Ones I Thought Were Friends

Many claim they want the jab but also stand for personal & medical freedom. Except they don’t. They don’t stand up, they don’t speak out. They don’t support freedom at all, because they’re not willing to fight for it on principle. They are the biggest disappointment of all.

These are the ones who would glance towards the secret door when the soldiers come knocking. These are the ones who would use their pass to step onto the train to freedom knowingly leaving you behind, pretending to themselves that you’re sure to follow soon. These are the ones who claim they’re doing things for the Greater Good, except it’s only for their own safe, selected community. These are the ones I thought were my friends, until they showed me that friendship means nothing as long as they feel safe.

I am soulfully disappointed. And I am deeply grateful for finding out what I truly value in friendship and discovering it in unexpected, joyful places.

#truthrisesup #friendship #thedarkesthours #speakup #standup #thegifts #joy #disappointment #grateful #thegreatergood #freedom

First written on Social Media 1 March 2021

Not Wrong, Just Different.

I have previously touched on the principle of requiring a circle, or village, of relationships to fulfil our needs. The idea that just one or two people should or are able to hold and carry the multifarious requirements of one full lifetime of human experience is perhaps the crux of many problems.

In fact this principle has become such an obsession that the trend on social forums is to instruct each other on how to respond or be responsive towards each other. There are plentiful descriptions about ‘how to be a good friend/partner/parent/boss’ with minute instructions on what makes you good or bad; pass or fail….

But what this neglects to take into account is the principle of difference. That we are all wonderfully, uniquely varied in our gifts, attributes, strengths and, naturally, weaknesses and flaws too.

One of the most resonate compliments that my husband gives to me is that I am someone who always believes there is a way through; that there is a solution somewhere, somehow. And I do. I really believe nothing is insolvable, more deeply on an emotional level but practically too! So whilst I have realised that rescuing and saving people is dis-empowering (okay, I still do it as a sideline occasionally!), I am a great person to come to if you need some ideas, some guidance about what options might be out there to help you on your journey. If you don’t want any of that, if you want just to be heard in total silence and reverence… I might not be the best fit for the job. But here’s the critical point… that doesn’t make me wrong. I am not going to be Jack of all Trades, good at everything, nor do I want to be. I want to be really good at things that come naturally and instinctively to me, I want to hone my skills and work towards mastery.

So what happens if you are in need of someone who is not going to even think of voicing a solution but is killing the strong and silent thang… then find that person.

Create the circle, create your own village.

I have one friend who talks nineteen to the dozen, I can barely get a word in edgewise and she is not someone that I am going to go to when I really need and want to be heard about soulful shit! But I adore her company, she is light and engaging and kind and funny and zingy and all sorts of wondrousness…… she is very much a part of my circle and I need that energy in my life. Imagine if everyone in my life was an intense as me?! Insanity!

Now imagine if I made her wrong for being that way… imagine if I said to her ‘you never really listen to me’, ‘I don’t think you are being sensitive to my needs’, ‘please could you reflect back to me my words so that I really know you have heard me’…. I believe it would crush her and it would certainly crush our friendship. I would be trying to mould her into something that really doesn’t fit in her skin, trying to create her into something else whereas I could simply be accepting and enjoying all the gifts that she does bring.

Of course this doesn’t mean we can’t ask for what we need, consider each other’s perspectives and feelings and reflect on our own behaviour, but within that there is a place to see whether our specific needs of the moment are going to be best met and by whom. I once asked a friend, who had gone silent on my for 6 weeks, that if next time she was pissed with me she could just tell me about it rather than hit the mute button; she told me in no uncertain terms that I shouldn’t ask her to change or be different. Fair enough, she was not going to meet my needs or requirements in that side of our friendship. That was actually a deal breaker for me, I do need my circle to be upfront and clear about when I’ve done something to upset them, and I chose to walk away from that friendship for that reason, but that wasn’t about making either of us wrong, just that we weren’t a good fit.

I used to ask too much of my husband (perhaps still do!) under this principle of ‘he who must be able to support every which side of me’… until I realised what absurdity this truly was. I started to widen my circle and increase the array and variety of friendships, mentors and crazys who help all my facets sparkle as I hope I do in return. And with this choice, there is the potential to free my husband from feeling like somehow he is failing me, or not enough for me, and instead allows his own highlights to shimmer.

I would love to see this embracing of each other’s gifts and strengths replacing the homogenising pressure that social media is trying to instil through shame directed memes and articles. Yes, walk away from those who don’t support you, whilst being careful not to dismiss those that might not be what you need for right now yet their gifts and skills might be everything to you come tomorrow, the new moon or the new decade. We are all personally responsible for seeking out our own joy, friendship and healing rather than insisting it is performed for us by the demands we set on others. Let each of us shine and glorify each other and celebrate the magical complexities of human nature. We are not wrong, we are just different.

Goodbye My Friend

In the early hours of the morning, my beautiful friend Kim left for spirit. She has left behind, not only her amazing little family, but also her legacy of kindness and wisdom.

Kim and I met in our early 20’s, both hostesses in a restaurant on the eternally cool Kings Road, Chelsea. She was just a couple of years older than me but had already travelled and explored so much that she carried this worldly aura. I was frippish and naive to her calm and sense. It would have been easy for her to be disdainful of me but instead she embraced the best of me, she’s always done that.

We whiled away the hours with humour and candour; our friendship honest and simple. And then she left to travel some more and our paths diverged.

Some 10 years ago, through the gifts of social media, we reconnected across the world; Melbourne to London. We watched each other’s lives as we dived into love & parenthood and the crazy all consuming discoveries that flow with that; we engaged in light comments and philosophical discussions here and there.

And then she got sick, she was told she had very little time, and we plunged right back into that friendship we had left behind at our hostess stand 20 years ago.

She has given every ounce of herself to be around for her family for as long as possible, she has walked this illness through three and half years and I have walked alongside behind the written word of our messages as we have shared our loves, our fears, our histories and our hopes. There is nothing like the shadow of death to focus our hearts to truth.

As she did so many moons ago, she saw the best in me through every conversation, she offered wisdom won through pain and joy and I know she offered that to everyone. One of her fears as she neared the end was that her children might think she had not ‘fought’ hard enough to stay alive and it breaks my heart that she could even consider that of herself when she loved them so passionately and absolutely. She raised herself up and away from her own childhood of pain to offer them the very best of herself because that is the strength of woman she was.

And now I have had to say goodbye to one of my closest and dearest friends despite not having as much as hugged her for two decades. That is love, that is friendship and that is heartache.