death – Soul Reflection

Due Diligence

This is my mood today.

After a weekend loaded with family tension around the devastation being perpetrated on our children and the blind belief in a narrative that is collapsing around their ears, I feel done with any attempt at subtle explanations.

This is the truth. Children are dying and are having life changing injuries from these need?es. (Honestly, they have been for decades by the other scheduled pricks too, but the scale of what is happening right now is off the charts.)

If anyone justifies this process, they are complicit, because the data is out there. There are enough doctors and experts speaking up, sharing their experiences and knowledge that to ignore it is becoming wilful ignorance.

Hiding behind disparaging labels of anti-va**ers, supremacists, bigots, bias, misinformation etc is only making you look foolish and will not remove the stain on your conscience when the truth can no longer be shielded from exposure.

Do your research, look at the numbers, listen to every side of the story and make sure you end up on the right side of history.

Our children depend on it.

First published on social media on 8th February 2022

Just A Click Away

I remember a few years ago mentioning to my husband about all the babies that were dying from the V’s. Seeing a new story everyday on social media was really breaking my heart.

What stories? He said. He didn’t see them come up on his pages and I realised in that moment how easy it was to be ignorant to the absolute devastation that is happening to hundreds of thousands of families all the time. If your clicks focus on other areas of life, this information doesn’t enter your sphere, by order of the technocrats.

So I understand now that perhaps many people are also not seeing the constant death and life changing side effects that these current V’s are inflicting. That if your side effect was just some fever and headaches which passed in a few days, you might think that’s as bad as it gets.

It isn’t.

The deaths of so many who statistically would be beyond unlikely to die from CV; whose lives have been cut short to protect those at death’s door. The life altering neurological damage, auto immune disorders and so much more to come. And I know there is more because I have witnessed and studied the effects of interfering with our amazing bodies in this way. No good will come.

I have seen the studies that showed how all the animals primed with an RNA V died when exposed to the virus back out in the wild. So I will tell you now that this next ‘flu’ season is going to see a spike like never before. That’s not because of any new variant (which are genetically insignificant by the way) or because people have broken the rules. It’s because the bodies of you and your loved ones have been prepared for it under the pretext of protection and freedom.

I don’t need to argue the point with anyone and I would be overjoyed to be wrong, but what if just a tiny bit of what I am saying is true? What if you start adjusting your clicks to see a different perspective on the world with an open mind and a heart ready to bear the pain of witnessing so much suffering at the hands of ‘good intention’.

I understand that need for blissful ignorance, I so often wish it for myself, but in actuality the time is now that we must arm ourselves with truth and clear vision in order to prevent these modern gas chambers from devastating our world, our families, our love.

#mytruth #research #openmind #death #devastation #justonelife #ignorance

First Written on Social Media 18 April 2021

You’re Not Saving Lives

I spoke with a front line GP yesterday who wanted the word to go out about the utter devastation that is happening to our children, our future.

Our teens, the ones who cannot be shielded from the stark reality of lockdown, are suffering in unprecedented numbers. The self harm, suicide and mental health issues are through the roof and, with no end in sight to the restrictions, this is only going to get exponentially worse.

We are destroying an entire generation.

We are not saving lives with our compliance to lockdown. The numbers are clear. There has been no pandemic. We can massage the numbers in many different ways, we can try to compare this past year’s death rate to previous lighter years but the truth is in the last 20 years there have been 5 other years with higher rates. We have the presence of a virus that is affecting the same people as would be affected by any tough virus. We know who is vulnerable, we can protect that tiny population.

But the ones we are really killing are those lives who never would have been affected by the virus but are now being torn apart by the restrictions. Those who are daily losing hope and inspiration to live; who are at the very start of their lives but with no desire to continue; and those who’s life work and toil have been ripped from their hands.

Those that haven’t the tools to begin to manage the impacts of isolation, loneliness and lack of contact; those who have managed their fragile constitutions through routine and purpose and now only have chaos or limbo.

We have those who aren’t getting the medical treatment they need, because it’s not covid; they’re dying too. We have the constant degradation of our immune systems through endless fear messaging.

And all of this is in our hands. All of this is our choice too. Whether we conform to the rules and abet this heartbreaking travesty, or we stand up and restore life and humanity to our fellow beings by prioritising the core values of true living. Love, connection, community, support, autonomy, freedom….

Breaking lockdowns does not kill people; complying to them does.

#mentalhealth #lockdown #death #community #isolation #compliance #fear #suicide #humanity

First written on Social Media 24 January 2021

Happy 100th Birthday Daddy

Today would have been my father’s 100th birthday. He died over seven years ago (Goodbye Daddy) and during those years since, my relationship with him has changed and evolved so much as to be nearly unrecognisable.

He wasn’t a wonderful father on the human plane; he was a colourful, fascinating, eccentric and clever man but not one to pay real attention to his children’s needs on any level. He stopped contributing financially to my upbringing when I was around 10 (and my brother 12) leaving my mother to carry that load of food, clothes and education. I didn’t have conversations with him about my hopes and dream and feelings and that breathtaking song by Luther Vandross ‘Dance with my Father’ makes me yearn achingly, with every listen, for a father that never existed.

I could go on about his faults and failings but I have forgiven them all. For now, in spirit, he has his hand on my back with each and every step. I feel his presence so keenly in all the moments that I need him. I hear his evolved wisdom and his humble and unconditional love. He protects my children and guides our paths with all the passion of one who knows and owns how much he didn’t do during human life.

Many might struggle to hear these words, to think I have projected a wish fulfilment on an empty entity. And they could be absolutely right. But it’s not what I believe, and feel and hear and see.

I see the transformation of a spirit, who held such deep and painful wounds, become the light that they were born with. I see all the very best of his personality merge with the grace of divinity and, with that, offering to make amends with his energy and connection.

I have known a lot of death and each spirit holds their own way of being in the next plane. Some are close, some distant, some have learned all they need to, others will return for further lessons. Some are restful, some restless and some visit, whilst others have moved on and past.

My father is resolutely here and I am deeply grateful for that. So today I honour his 100th birthday with so much love, so much joy and so much peace.

Happy Birthday Daddy. 💗

The Voice of Reason

In a recent discussion with a therapist it was suggested that I was, at times, too reasonable(!). Not only that, but by being too reasonable I was actually hurting myself.

My husband raised his eyebrows when I told him this, clearly he did not agree!

But I have been sitting with it; churning it over in my mind and of course as a result I have had the most unreasonable couple of weeks I could ever have imagined.

Everyone and everything has felt desperately unreasonable.

One days notice from a teacher at school that the cake ingredients rules have changed as I prepare for my child’s birthday. Unreasonable.

Car insurers wanting me to provide information that they know better than me. Unreasonable.

My child wetting the bed twice in one night. Unreasonable.

My babysitter cancelling a two month standing booking less than a week before. Unreasonable.

The resident permit zone being arbitrarily changed so that our property is no longer granted a permit. Un-bloody-reasonable.

And then there’s the bigger stuff…

the school mum throwing her unmet needs in my face
my husband having a ‘moment’ and wondering if I’m really the right one (yes that happened!)
my mother refusing to take any accountability for her behaviour

These are the bigger life hurdles when someone else’s choices can feel so utterly and desperately unreasonable and yet I am very good at making them reasonable. I am very good at looking behind the gauze and finding the reasons, the pain, the whys and the because; and understanding why everyone’s behaviour or choices are the way they are.

A good skill? Compassionate? Able to hold the bigger picture?

I need to segue a moment… when my friend Kim was dying, we talked about the emotional trauma that may have contributed to her illness. Kim was utterly reasonable. She always found a way to walk on a higher plain, she didn’t want to stoop to the level of those who had wounded her so deeply. And that is so honourable and so ‘right’, right? Except that all that justifiable anger and pain stayed inside and perhaps it is what killed her…

So I have sat with my flair of fire, this rage of witnessing the unreasonable and I have held it in conflict with my desire to be so thoughtful and measured and kind.

And then I exploded.

My husband lit the touch paper and I vomited out my rage at all the holding I do for everyone else’s ‘unreasonable’ choices.

And he held me there.

He held me there when I poured out my anger, my grief and my own unreasonable demands.

And he listened, and he heard me. And for the very first time, I felt safe.

It is the hardest thing in the world to hold someone in their pain, just hold them, not fix them, not wrong them, not right them or join them. But just to listen and be with that flow of emotions. And I love him more than ever for being courageous enough to do so.

Because sometimes the emotionally healthy thing to be is utterly unreasonable.

I needed that exorcism as part of my own healing and now I am calm again and able to bear the weight of all of life’s reasons….

The Death Temptation

I am writing this from a basis of my truth, something that is deeply true to my beliefs and understanding of the world and also knowing that this is not a place or a belief for many people. (It maybe wiser for some to stop reading now…)

I believe that sickness nearly always has a deep emotional cause. To be clear this is not karma or punishment, it is not that we have done anything to ‘deserve’ our sickness, but that events or situations that have created trauma in our system are the roots of dis-ease.

Therefore as part of healing it is important to treat not only the easing of physical symptoms but also an awareness of the energetic emotional block that is part of the whole story.

In this vein, I recently stepped into a curious space of feeling myself manifesting dis-ease within myself.

I had stepped into the Death Temptation.

Despite my classic moments of crass insensitivity, I do also empathetically resonate to others’ pain; tears well easily to stories of heartbreak and I feel others’ fears of loss and sadness deep within my system. So it should be no surprise to me that at times I carry the energy of my friends’ and loved-ones’ dis-eases too.

I am nearing mid life and as such, conspiring with the heavy toxicity of our western lifestyle, there is cancer and illness at too many doors right now. One in two the statistics say. I have been holding the fears and news of many and it has been hard not to hear the ‘what if’… knocking at my own door.

But the death temptation is not just about carrying the fear of physical death it is, thematically, a more deep rooted emotional block. It is a reaction to disappointment, heartbreak or loss; a battle against life itself. Death in this form is a, conscious or subconscious, power struggle towards self destruction. The message is that death is perhaps the only thing that could end the pain and exhaustion.

And this is where holistic medicine works so brilliantly for me. In the last few years I have experienced two enormous heart breaks, I have heard myself speak the words out loud ‘my heart is broken’.

Twice.

And for two very different reasons. I remember the ‘heartbreak’ of my teens and twenties, all boy related of course (!), and they were real but oh so very gentle compared to this grief that has consumed my body and soul.

And I thought I had processed them well, and I had, but not enough. I have reasoned my way through these processes and not allowed myself to acknowledge the true depth of pain they have caused within me. So when my body started showing me signs of physical discomfort that resonated with all this fear and reality of dis-ease around me, I took myself to my extraordinary and wonderful homeopath who treats the soul and heart alongside the body.

And she enlightened me to the Death Temptation, this space of choosing death over life because the pain has been to much to bear.

And she showed me another way.

ReBirth.

It is time for me to rise through the pain of loss, to claim my rightful place in the world; to live, to learn, to teach, to love.

I have faced the temptation of death and I choose transformation instead.

As always with endless gratitude to Anne .

Goodbye My Friend

In the early hours of the morning, my beautiful friend Kim left for spirit. She has left behind, not only her amazing little family, but also her legacy of kindness and wisdom.

Kim and I met in our early 20’s, both hostesses in a restaurant on the eternally cool Kings Road, Chelsea. She was just a couple of years older than me but had already travelled and explored so much that she carried this worldly aura. I was frippish and naive to her calm and sense. It would have been easy for her to be disdainful of me but instead she embraced the best of me, she’s always done that.

We whiled away the hours with humour and candour; our friendship honest and simple. And then she left to travel some more and our paths diverged.

Some 10 years ago, through the gifts of social media, we reconnected across the world; Melbourne to London. We watched each other’s lives as we dived into love & parenthood and the crazy all consuming discoveries that flow with that; we engaged in light comments and philosophical discussions here and there.

And then she got sick, she was told she had very little time, and we plunged right back into that friendship we had left behind at our hostess stand 20 years ago.

She has given every ounce of herself to be around for her family for as long as possible, she has walked this illness through three and half years and I have walked alongside behind the written word of our messages as we have shared our loves, our fears, our histories and our hopes. There is nothing like the shadow of death to focus our hearts to truth.

As she did so many moons ago, she saw the best in me through every conversation, she offered wisdom won through pain and joy and I know she offered that to everyone. One of her fears as she neared the end was that her children might think she had not ‘fought’ hard enough to stay alive and it breaks my heart that she could even consider that of herself when she loved them so passionately and absolutely. She raised herself up and away from her own childhood of pain to offer them the very best of herself because that is the strength of woman she was.

And now I have had to say goodbye to one of my closest and dearest friends despite not having as much as hugged her for two decades. That is love, that is friendship and that is heartache.

The Phoenix Decade

It has started. The Phoenix Decade.

Our 40’s are a time typified by the clichéd ‘midlife crisis’: fast cars, affairs, career change, divorce and unexpected death.

Sadly, our society seems to sneer and judge a lot of these changes rather than embrace this as a natural life transition and of course that judgement comes from the fear of ‘us’ and ‘them’, separating the shadow and placing it in someone else’s court. But the truth is, our 40’s are the time for our spiritual renaissance.

Biologically, most of us will be coming to the end of the early years of parenting, the dance of mating and conception taking up so much of our 20’s and 30’s. And with those elements ‘in the bag’, there opens up a space in our lives to observe ourselves in greater depth. Our children and loved ones will be offering mirrors to the darkest parts of our souls through their triggers and button pushing and it is here that we have the greatest opportunity to dig out the roots of our deepest wounds and raise them up into the light.

This is the decade of philosophical thinking, of reflecting back on our own upbringing, how we might do things similarly or differently; exploring the aggrievements that have entrenched reactions and personality traits that may no longer serve us into true maturity and adulthood. It is the golden ticket for change and transformation, to allow your past to die and your renewed and invigorated self to rise from the ashes.

As I look around my peers, I am seeing sickness that is shaking souls to their very cores – cancers, strokes, depression; I am seeing relationships flounder and stumble with what appear to be unbridgeable chasms of disconnect; I am seeing denial where materialistic choices are covering the voids of love and connection. For me these are all symbolic gifts to face the Phoenix.

For myself I know I was close to great sickness. The levels of stress and discordance that I was carrying in relation to my mother were putting a burden upon my system that was unsustainable. Despite my healthy lifestyle, organic nutrition and conscious living, I could still feel the poison of unhappiness in my body. I had early warning signs singing through my nervous system, twinges, aches, pains, exhaustion. That was why it was so necessary for me to face that relationship head on and take the space I needed from it. I could have sat in the dynamic continuing our mutual unspoken discomfort and pain, I could have pretended it didn’t really exist, it wasn’t surely that important, but I didn’t want to die. And that was what that choice felt to me, that my body could no longer carry such a consistently high level of stress, something would eventually crumble.

So I am walking into this decade of the Phoenix with my eyes wide open. I want to face the shadows that will twist and turn out of the ashes; I want to address what needs to be explored. My husband and I will look into the fragile places of our love and relationship and dig out the dirt and attempt to replace it with light. I will stare into the mirror of my children and try my best to listen to their messages of reflection, to own what is mine and to return what is theirs. I don’t imagine that this decade is going to be my easiest, moreover because I am also having to witness my dear friends as they uncover their own phoenixes and the joy and suffering that that can bring. But I am also full of the excitement and possibility that this decade of renewal offers. I am excited to release the shackles of my past and to step fully present (with the best of my intention) into the second half of my life.

I will rise out of the ashes and I will soar.