Kingsblood Royal

I don’t even remember how I chose books from my father’s shelf when I had just a few hours to pick things from his house in memory of him, but as I slowly read through the pile nearly ten years later, I know I was guided by angels because each read is so rich and important. 

This is fiction, and I rarely post about those, but it is a work of such beautiful intensity and on such an important subject that I wish the whole world could get the chance to read it. 

Set towards the end of the Second World War in the the northern states of America it explores racism, segregation and morality. The Northern States legally don’t have segregation and technically discrimination shouldn’t be allowed, so compared to the southern states, still deep in segregation, the white populace feel proudly generous and liberal in their hearts. That is until one of their own, a genteel, middle class white man discovers one of his ancestors was not only an exciting, pioneering adventurer but also black. 

In those days, any trace of blood in a person’s heritage, no matter how far back, labelled you a person of colour. So here we have the story of how this chap processes this information in himself, this incredibly beautiful and humbling inner journey he makes to feel proud of his ancestor, his people and his blood; how he takes steps to educate himself on his own prejudices and listens to the local black community to hear their own stories. The array and complexities of characters means we meet opinions and viewpoints from every angle, really highlighting the humanness of a thousand opinions even within one cause of personal freedom. Added to this we face the backlash from his friends, family and community when they discover his ancestry, for which he refuses to hide, and see the ignorance and cruelty that comes from an indoctrination of prejudice. 

The protagonist is an absolute hero, despite numerous opportunities to hide this history, that no one could ever guess at, he stands tall and proud even at the point of lynching. 

Kingsblood Royal was an important novel that positively influenced the start of the Civil Rights Movement and I can see why. I feel far better educated on the vast threads that weave through our society that form the crucial layers for understanding racism and its impacts. And what I feel more deeply, is how the trauma of these times reverberates now, causing sensitivity and triggers that can seem over compensatory relative to our current society but hit ancestral wound after ancestral wound. 

I cannot imagine living in that era, which was still in living memory for some, when black people were treated as less than human. It hearts my heart to place myself in that society, from all the angles and perspectives we see in this book, and wonder how I would have behaved with whatever upbringing I might have had. I hope, whichever side, whichever culture, I would have had the courage to stand with humanity and love but I can see how easy it was to think the wrong thing was right in the ignorance of middle class society and in the righteousness of painful discrimination. There is no simple black or white here, excuse the awkward pun, but the fundamentals are, and always will be, compassion, humanity and understanding. 

An outstanding read. 

First published on social media on 5th March 2023

The King of Knowledge

Sometimes I’m not sure how certain books arrive in my ‘to read’ pile. But I accept their intrusion and, following my own rules, they must be read. 

This is one such mystery: a Hare Krishna commentary.  I have vague memories of the Hare Krishna community hanging out in Kentish Town where I grew up, handing out food, chanting and wearing orange tones. I may well have been palmed it at some point then and it’s taken twenty (plus!) years of house moves and adventures to reach the top of my pile (most books take a year!). 

From wherever it came, the universal timing is all in perfection. As my young teen is reminding me clearly right now, those years are not about absorbing the spiritual aspects of life! I wouldn’t have really resonated with the deeper perspective that I can welcome now, in fact I can quite imagine myself being quite dismissive and derisory about it. 

But now I love reading about different faiths and beliefs. There is so much compassion and love as the foundation and I enjoyed learning much about the world of Hare Krishna. The Bhagavad Gita and Upanishads are still working their way to the top of my pile and it was fascinating to be reading a study of this ancient wisdom, wetting my taste buds for the originals. 

As with most of life, whilst I don’t chant the exact song sheet of this text, there is more that resonates than doesn’t. Faith and love being the core of existence, all the tendrils that flow from that are so nourishing and inspiring. 

And now, instead of remembering a slightly bizarre cult on the streets of my London neighbourhood, I can reframe that memory to one of charity, grace, joy and generosity. Such is the power of knowledge and understanding. 

First published on social media on 26th August 2022

Brutal

Ageing is brutal. I am determined to age gracefully, I look at the effects of cosmetic procedures later down the line and I know I don’t want that aesthetically, even if I could consider stuffing all those poisons into my body, which I can’t. 

But these middle-ground years, before all those procedures take their hideous effects, my social peers are looking decidedly smoother and perter and younger than me. 

Twinned with the bloom of my soon to be teen daughter, flawless, lithe and utterly divine, I am super conscious of my need for good lighting and flattering angles to find a picture that resembles who I remember myself to be.  

Because I was pretty, not head turning beautiful, but enough to walk confidently through a bar and feel appreciated. I also used it, it was a tool, a manipulation, sometimes even a weapon. Before I discovered my greater passions of motherhood, health and truth, my looks were my validity in the world. 

And so ageing is brutal. 

Even though I don’t value my beauty through the same lens, it was still part of my history and my arsenal and to see it shift and change with Father Time, to catch that glance in the mirror and double take, because in my head I’m still twenty something, it’s hard. 

I’m not going to lie. I struggle with it. Especially in the context of our society with the anti-ageing terrifying cosmetics that are marketed so intensely. I don’t subscribe to the philosophy of them, but it’s hard to hold the faith and trust when all around are justifying the distortion of our features as empowering. 

I know this is false, in fact it makes me cringe and laugh to hear these ‘feminists’ claim they are spending their money, time and body because they’re the ultimate version of empowerment. It’s all backwards and messed up. I know this. 

And I used to be pretty, young and fresh. Even without this insane pressure, I think I would struggle to lose what was once my superpower. Superficial? Yes. But part of my trauma survival, part of the fabric that got me to today, yes. I can’t deny it, remove it, change it. 

I can only keep learning to love each wrinkle, each saggy bit, each pigment change. I want my children to know that ageing is so much more than visual, that is brings experience and wisdom and compassion too. And I want to represent all of that in the lines on my face, the sadness, the laughter, the life well lived and loved. Because, honestly, when I see an elderly person with all of that, they are nothing short of beautiful. 

In the meantime I have to ride out the transition. And I’m finding it a little brutal.  

First published on social media on 3rd June 2022

One River Many Wells

‘[We need to resist the] “will to quarantine” and to separate ourselves behind self-imposed walls. For this is why we were born: Men, all men, belong to each other, and he who shuts himself away diminishes himself, and he who shuts another away from him destroys himself.’

Howard Thurman, quoted from One River, Many Wells by Matthew Fox.

Many moons ago I began a course to become an interfaith minister (a person who studies all the faiths and can minister to anyone in their combination of beliefs) but the joyful and long awaited pregnancy of my first child halted that training before it could really begin. However, in true bibliophile style I had already bought all my required reading books and they have sat on my ‘to read’ shelf for quite some years until my more recent discipline to read whatever reaches the top began.

So this book, One River, Many Wells, has been my latest read and what I love so much about allowing the Universe to determine my next study, rather than my just my desire, is how extraordinarily relevant the books have been to my current standing in the world. Is that because they are guided to me or because I see the answers in any text? Both perhaps.

I have to confess I found this book quite hard going, not philosophically but in style and format. The flow wasn’t there for me and it was certainly a matter of will and stubbornness that help me complete it. That being said, there were also a plethora of golden nuggets to take away (see small selection in photos) and I love how they have touched on all aspects of my journey, from health and nutrition, breath and purpose to reflection, justice, fear and love. It encompasses life in all of its finery and challenges.

And I absolutely agree with its holding principle, divinity is the river from which all beliefs are drawn from, whatever that looks like for you. A message so important that it needs to be reiterated as much as possible, to unify and connect our souls into a web of love, compassion and forgiveness.

First published on social media on 2nd April 2022

The Four Fold Way

I’ve read many books on the various archetypes, their strengths, shadows and meanings but I have to say I think I’ve enjoyed this one the most. Super simple, very clear and engaging with simple techniques to bring awareness to our areas of work in order to find our balance.

Loved the quotes scattered throughout (always a winner to see #rudolfsteiner ‘s words on another pathway!) and really felt I absorbed more of the essence of archetype understanding than ever before.

On top of which #angelesarrien ‘s obvious respect for the indigenous cultures around the world and the wisdom they hold feels a lot like coming home. Ancestral and Elder wisdom is something I frequently crave and this book feels like I’m sitting at my grandparents knee soaking it all in.

Highly recommend, a super easy and accessible read, even tempted to pass it on to my near teen, though I might wait a couple more years… we’ll see.

First Published on social Media 20 November 2021

Maskless

Just as I think my heart couldn’t hurt anymore I see a post like this. And then I feel so intensely angry that there is such complicity that has enabled this horror.

This past year has all been about personal responsibility. When we take full responsibility for ourselves we become empowered in our own wisdom. As I have become more and more accountable for my actions, choices, behaviour and impact over the years, I have also deepened my real sense of self on every level: physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I understand my body and my health and have no fear of illness; I am in touch with my emotions so I can recognise when I am standing in fear or love; I have nurtured my faith in the Divine and do not fear lack or death.

All of these are about me taking responsibility for my place in the world and that includes standing in my sovereignty around these beautiful babies and children who are meeting life in the hardest of ways. Babies seek out my face in the shops because I am maskless, they need us to step out of fear and offer them a life worth living.

They are our future. Damage them now and it portends to the saddest of worlds; welcome them with all the love and compassion they deserve and heaven becomes a place on earth.

#children #future #love #fear #compassion #responsibility #wisdom #sovereignty #heaven #masks

First Written on Social Media 28 April 2021

Our Opposing Hearts

As a bystander to the US elections with many friends on both sides of the political divide, I repeatedly observe this strange dissonance.

I hear the ‘liberal’ Democrats eschew racism, gender discrimination and all other discriminations and naturally feel aligned to that in many ways (though not all). However, I hear them speak of their politically opposing humans with nothing but discrimination, so ready to write off 67 million humans as evil/racist/awful and I get thrown into that collective too, when I raise another perspective or side to the story than theirs.

These aren’t ‘far’ anything people, these are everyday peers, middle class, reasonably successful and intelligent people. Now I’m aware of the irony of me making a collective of the democrats now but I’m not writing them off as bad humans in the same way, I see their light. I just can’t get my head around this ability to label anyone who votes for Trump, or even those who acknowledge some of the positives that have occurred during his term, as automatically bad.

As soon as I question the democrat’s narrative or their own choices of leaders, I have been automatically presumed to be a trump follower and instantly insulted in one way or another.

Surely the whole essence of removing discrimination from our society is by the fact that we accept and embrace difference?

I know from my own work and my studies that the only real way through opposition is via connection. Finding that common thread that brings compassion and understanding when suddenly everything falls into place; suddenly someone’s behaviour makes sense; their views are understandable given their story; their lives as honourable as our own.

I don’t like certain styles of behaviour or attitude, they don’t suit my values perhaps, but I still know with a hundred percent truth that all of our hearts are filled with the same deep desire for love, connection, safety, warmth and trust.

I would love that to be what we concentrate on, instead of which leader we obsess over and who we emotionally destroy in order to cling on to some ideological beliefs.

Our opposing hearts are really just a reflection of each other, rooted in the same needs and desires.

#opposition #politics #usa2020 #biden #trump #connection #hearts #compassion #dissonance #love #democrat #republican

 

First Written on Social Media 7th November 2020

They say I have no compassion

They say I have no compassion

Yet my mind and heart are torn with concern for the decimation of our children’s well-being. The long term impact on their mental health from the hysterical fear messaging by those that are supposed to keep them safe.

They say I have no compassion

Yet my heart breaks for the elderly left alone, without touch or love; empty days to end their lives on, how does this protect them? Has anyone asked for their opinion, for their choices?

They say I have no compassion

But my soul weeps for the disconnection from humanity; masks, division, fear, compliance to arbitrary and harmful rules.

They say I have no compassion

Though I lie awake wondering how those whose livelihoods have disappeared before their eyes are putting food on the table and keeping a roof over their heads, at home and abroad.

I am so bemused by being told that decisions are for my freedom and protection when they are doing the opposite. Where education is being removed unless we submit to suffocating our children; where travel is threatened to be withheld unless we allow unnecessary medical procedures; where I am being pushed to use cashless finance, irrelevant to how that impacts our lives including that of our children and our privacy; that I am not free to roam my community without confrontation around masks, sanitiser, personal details.

How is any of this creating a more connected, loving community? I am not afraid of a virus that has the same impact of any other virus. Those that take personal responsibility for their health will survive without impact; those who are vulnerable will face the same risks from life as they always have.

They say I have no compassion but where is their compassion for all those suffering in order to ‘protect’ them?

 

The Empathy Trap

It is always hard to write a blog where I have to reflect on my mistakes as a parent. My ego screams to keep it silent but my spirit yearns to share and offer it of service to others.  A mighty battle within.

My parenting philosophy is deeply embedded with the principle of empathy; of feeling and understanding my children’s perspective, in order that I can help guide them and support them through their journey.

I still think this is deeply important.

Yet I have discovered a trap in this idealised path… something that harms rather than helps my children on their journeys. It has been particularly highlighted by one child whom has a fight reaction tendency when misunderstood. When they have lashed out I have nearly always seen and understood the route to that explosion. I have watched and witnessed the unfolding of communication crashes and mix ups. And so I have helped explain that to others. I have spoken their feelings and shown how and why they have reached melt down. I did this to model to them how to verbalise their frustrations and recognise their own triggers.

And it has worked. They can verbalise and can recognise but they can also excuse themselves. ‘I hit because they annoyed me.’

And I have explained that excuses are not ok, there is no justification for violence unless in defence of life and soul. But they keep coming. These excuses. By fully empathising I have taught that there is some implicit permission in their reaction, I have fed this attitude of vindication.

So I have reflected. I have looked out into the world at the excuses and demands for empathy being thrown out constantly in society; I have looked within at the balance of compassion and discipline triggers from my past and I realise that on this honourable path of affinity I have let resilience slide.

Because resilience is a key tool for life. Resilience is the ability to carry on in the face of all adversity, including that of being misunderstood.

When I look out into the world and see the screams and cries of so many begging to be understood, to be re-labelled, re-defined and then crumbling and collapsing when others don’t want to, don’t have to, don’t like to; there I see a dearth of resilience. It is not for us to demand someone’s understanding, it is for us to know that we are still enough without it.

So now I have some work to do. My children are thankfully young and resilient enough to flow with my mistakes; we learn together. I hope the rest of the world can too.

Disappointed

One word keeps hitting me throughout these days of lockdown.

Disappointed.

I keep trying to push it back. Reminding myself that everyone has their own unique journey, that each person has their own truth, perceptions and understandings and the best, most constructive approach is compassion.

And then the word hits me again.

I feel such deep soulful disappointment right now.

This current global lockdown is a mirror of our individual disempowerment. Disempowered in the knowledge of our own bodies and our own health; where we can be imbued with such fear from outside that we surrender all autonomy, personal freedom and potentially medical freedom to the powers that be.

I know there is a huge swathe of society that has been suppressed through economy, racism and separatism and I really compassionately understand how much harder it is for these people to step into their power without permission and support. But I’m not talking about them.

I’m talking about circles of supposedly empowered leaders and advocates. People whom I used to hear daily, speaking up for truth and health and autonomy and freedom who have utterly surrendered to this suppression in one fatally easy step. These people have disappointed me. They were once people I admired and aspired to, whether in friendship, as peers, mentors, guides or elders. I feel let down by their willingness to accept control governed by fear, not only without a fight but with an inverse righteousness towards anyone who is challenging this horrendous power play.

I see clearly that I am having to let go, that this disappointment has pierced so deeply that those relationships will forever be tainted with it and many will not survive.

A new dawn has broken and there is a profound clarity within me as to which path I must take. I can still feel all the love and compassion for the fear these people are carrying but I can no longer hold them as aspirations or role models.

I have withdrawn myself from two significant women’s groups, which were my foundation stones on my personal development journey, to let go of these was something I could never have imagined. But I know if I cling to those bodies of fear for reasons of sentimentality, I will be absorbing that energy myself.

I will sit through this disappointment, allow it to suffuse me and move through. It is time for a cleanse like no other, to empower me to stand in my passionate truth and speak up for our global and personal freedoms.