Tag: choice

Distorted Reflection

My homeopath (aka my well of mother wisdom and unconditional love) told me that I need to strengthen my boundaries when experiencing negative or critical attack. 

And she is completely correct, except I have this huge voice inside me that says ‘don’t be so arrogant as to deflect criticism without first owning what is yours’. I believe in the principle that what is in existence in my life is a reflection of some part of myself, so if I am receiving negativity I have a part to play. 

What I realise today is how I have distorted that reflection, no different to the waves across a pond turning clear lines into surrealist images when the stone hits the surface. In the film Pretty Woman, Julia Robert’s character says ‘The bad stuff is easier to believe, ever noticed that?’ and I think that is a default for most humans but certainly there are those, like myself, where my parental conditioning makes ‘the bad stuff’ feel like the ‘truth’. 

I have focused recently on the bad stuff, why is this happening to me, what have I done?The usual self doubt. But despite an overwhelming smothering of love, support, reassurance and validation from a wonderful and significant circle of friends, I have only studied the reflection of the bad stuff. 

The majority of ‘feedback’ in my life is positive, 97%, and I laugh when I hear myself say internally, but they’re your friends, of course they’re going to be nice about you! As if it doesn’t count. Somehow they are biased and can’t see me straight. Therefore the critic is the one whose opinion holds more weight. What a distorted reflection!

I have one friend who is utterly glorious in every which way, I could cry when I think of her loving generosity of spirit and kindness and she was recently psychically taken down by a total nutbag (IMO) and I wanted to shake her and cuddle her and fill up right back up to the top with love. How could she possibly let this person make her doubt her own gloriousness….. and then I see myself in her too. 

I do get psychically taken down, I do have my inner child believing I am fundamentally bad and difficult and when people realise they will turn their back on me, just like my parents. My Now Self knows I’m a good, loving and conscientious person with all the natural flaws of humanity, but I clearly have some work to do on rewiring that inner child and the first thing I’m going to do is make sure she is listening to the 97% and maybe I’ll get her some ear defenders for that other 3%! 

So yes it’s important to contemplate what is being reflected back to us in our lives, where we can grow and learn but it is more important to check if the reflection is clear or distorted by our own trauma or conditioning. 

One amazing thing this past year has highlighted is how I am so profoundly grateful to my friends who shine my light for me when I am wandering in the dark. They guide me back home to my true self, flawed and perfect, just like them. 

First published on social media on 9th July 2023

A Question of Morality

Just last week I had to draw my line in the sand with a family member when they made it clear that they would support the segregation of society for those that refused the poison.

They did try to soften their stance by saying full coercion of the poison would make them ‘uncomfortable’ but either poison or constant testing was acceptable.

I checked again.

Did they think that I and my immediates, their own flesh and blood, (who are healthy, vibrant, functioning members of society) should be restricted from events, restaurants, shops, education and more because we maintain the right to body autonomy?

Well the government says…

I reiterated, this is not about what the government thinks but where their own personal morals lie. I restated that I am someone who takes my health seriously and I take full personal responsibility for it.

On paper, it is starkly obvious that our own immediate families’ health statuses have huge disparities. Is that one of the reasons it feels ok to penalise families like ours? To make health out of remit, something other, out of control and therefore handing it over to ‘higher’ expertise feels better than acknowledging the cracks at home could have been avoided or healed with consciousness and effort? Is that how it is for the rest of the world? That looking at cancers, spectrum disorders, autoimmune disturbances et al would mean whole lifestyles would have to be dismantled, careers reconsidered, priorities adjusted?

So is my family to be punished for your refusal to take ownership of your life?

It is then implied that because I stray from the government narrative what I’m experiencing as my health reality cannot be true, that I’m somehow endangering people with my foolhardy attitude. Science, perspective, health is, and has always been, fluid. Multiple truths can co-exist, paradigms shift, discoveries explode beliefs. Total safety, risk free living does not exist nor is it viable.

Maybe I am wrong, maybe I will die a horrible death from my own ignorance but if you are taking poisons and wearing masks to keep you safe then it doesn’t matter if my fresh air, organic and nutrient dense food, emotional healing and spiritual reach doesn’t work for me.

So let me be. I am free, I always will be and I will not accept you trying to take that from me. It is simply a question of our own morality, to which we each have our unique standards.

My line in the sand is Freedom, both for you and for me. I hope to see you there.

Broken

This photograph makes me weep. Where has my beautiful world gone? The one where common sense and common decency prevailed above all the idiosyncratic crazy’s.

There is always chaos, there is always darkness. Life wouldn’t be life without the contrast and the shadow. I have borne witness to and been part of plenty and been so grateful retrospectively for the insight, healing and wisdom it offers.

One day I will feel the same about now, but right now I am crying for the cold, alienating, separating choices that so many, too many, are embracing to protect themselves from an exaggerated fear.

I am crying for all the babies, all the beautiful, wonderful children that are growing up right now thinking life is unsafe and threatening. That are being shown by their mentors and guides to fear their bodies and the bodies of others; to fear each other.

I am crying for the irrevocable harm being caused to all these divine bodies through the mistaken belief that experimental poison could protect them.

This heroic man’s face, lifted to the sun, lifted to the heavens above, being physically forced to mask, to inhibit his very source and energy for control and dictate.

This has broken me today.

May I rise stronger tomorrow to begin again and continue to stand for our freedoms, our breath, our light and our love.

#darkness #chaos #control #masks #freedom #choice #love #light #divine #hope #tears

First Written on Social Media 9 May 2021

Anarchy

‘The one who tells the stories rules the world.’

 Hopi Indian Proverb

About twenty years ago,  I read the Aquarian Conspiracy by Marilyn Ferguson, a manifesto for personal and social transformation and, within that, I loved her call for a paradigm shift in social governance.

She called for a complete rewrite on the hierarchical structure of government, to be replaced with a lattice network of expertise. Whilst I believe in a natural hierarchy within communities based on skills and wisdom, I don’t believe or support our current model of hierarchy based on power and money.

So if we move from hierarchy where do we go? Anarchy?… If hierarchy is a body of authoritative officials organised in nested ranks, anarchy becomes the state of society without an authoritative governing body. It is popular to associate anarchy with chaos and confusion, but like most mainstream narratives these day, that’s a fear definition rather than a truth.

I think I was born an anarchist… either that or trained quickly before being consciously aware! Whichever way, I have always pushed back against authority for authorities sake. I deeply respect wisdom and experience and I am so happy to sit, listen and learn from those teachers, but following arbitrary rules for the purpose of control and order, under the opinion of someone I might not respect, doesn’t sit well with me.

So I have walked my own path of peaceful anarchy for many moons. I stepped out of the expectation of defined career and indeed also of further education; I healed myself without drugs; I birthed my children at home; I refuse to inject them with toxins; I arm myself with knowledge of health rather than bowing to the authority of medical dictators; I don’t social distance in times of viral epidemics because I believe human connect to be a better protector of health.

I don’t reject or conform to any party line out of principle, but out of instinct, personal education, experience and choice. I am my own person within this global tribe of connection. I don’t believe any of my choices have harmed anyone, I am conscious of my community and loved ones but I will not give my power away.

If change is required, I will endeavour to create it without asking some body of ‘authority’ to do it on my behalf. I will not wait for permission, the only thing I will wait for is clarity, wisdom and the right moment. What I have seen this year, 2020, is a whole world waiting for permission for their lives and all I want to do is teach them the power of anarchy.

‘We have to accept personal responsibility for uplifting our lives.’

Chögyam Trungpa, Tibetan Lama

I Forgot

I forgot, this lifetime, I forgot.

I forgot that I had reached for this experience, this human connection, this complicated love and loss.

I forgot.

I forgot that I will always return to light. That there is ultimate safety, connection, reassurance and blinding love, always; not just waiting but present just beyond the veil.

I forgot the veil and, for this lifetime, mistook it for darkness, emptiness and fear. I forgot that it is as thin as gauze, transparent, alive, available and here. Whenever I need.

I sat here wondering how I would survive if my beautiful family, my wondrous children somehow weren’t anymore. That fear clutched at me and I thought for a moment that love could disappear, that it could be lost or broken. But I had simply forgotten.

It can never be lost or broken or far away; only forgotten.

All it takes is to remember.