Tag: conscious

Treat ’em Like A Dog

In actual fact, there is a lot of truth in this statement where our children are concerned. But I imagine I need to explain myself a little more before I’ve convinced anyone! 

When we rescued our dog from the streets of Athens, it was a whole new world of learning and discovery. I had never owned a dog before and have to confess I thought training would be a simple case of bribery and corruption, with multiple treats. It may work for some but not for mine! 

Thankfully I was led to the work of Jan Fennell, The Dog Listener, who helped me understand that my dog was presuming dominance from our attitude and felt the need to protect her pack aka us! More than that it was incredibly stressful for her; without training or leadership, being the Alpha is no fun at all. So we adopted the techniques required to show her who was boss, and how subordinate she really is. Relative calm ensued. She will test us, she will look for chinks in our resolve but overall, our word goes and she listens. 

And here is why it applies to our children. The blurry lines between conscious and permissive parenting means that many parents these days offer huge amounts of choice to our kids under the guise of respecting their individuality; this varies from the mild shopping trip for clothes to the very important decisions about schools and nourishment. 

They are not meant to be making any of these decisions, they are emotionally immature for a very long time and whilst it’s important that they feel autonomous by letting them join in chores and daily living, fundamental choices belong to the parent. Asking them or facilitating their belief that they have control over these decisions can cause them extraordinary stress, which can manifest in many ways, tantrums included, least likely is for them to explain, ‘please decide for me’. 

They are not meant to be the alpha in the family and there are plenty of ways to respect their individuality and personality whilst also providing warm, loving, strong boundaries so they know these big emotional decisions aren’t up to them. 

So in this craze for letting our kids decide far too many things, I say, treat ‘em like a dog! 

First published on social media on 15th May 2023

Wherever you go, there you are

Such a mixed bag of a book. Honestly the first half didn’t resonate wildly, I just wasn’t connecting with the words and sometimes even feeling a little divorced from his sentiment, it felt like he was writing from the male perspective on a couple of occasions whilst trying to make them fit for the female too.

And then I shifted 180 degrees with the second half. Was it my mood that had shifted? Was I just paying more attention or even being more mindful?

There I was suddenly feeling the real validity in his wisdom, the importance of seeing what is happening in the moment and experiencing it fully, good and bad. I have certainly taken home lots of tips and ways of being to help me be more present, to explore the spaces to mediate in my days; though I’m not sure I can set my alarm any earlier just yet, I maybe able to shift my waking into a more conscious start to the day. It’s workable and I know it’s important.

So lots to mull over and a good book to start the ball rolling in mindful mediation, in tandem with my more conscious breath work. All of which is entirely necessary this year as we face the impending shifts and adjustments to our society.

First published on social media on 23rd January 2022

Trigger Me Tantrum

I have been musing over children’s tantrums and how so often the initiating triggers can be unnoticed; the act of distress being so all consuming and energetically confronting that the source becomes lost in the moment. Sadly, when the catalysts are missed the opportunity for empathy, resolution, connection and growth are usually missed too.

My reflections have led me to narrow down what I believe to be the 3 key triggers that lead to emotional meltdown: diet, sleep and anxiety/fear.

Guaranteed that my children will flip out if over tired, filled with refined sugar or too much wheat and guaranteed, if they are unable to control events that cause them concern or are faced with an emotionally threatening situation, they will act out of character and generally become obstructive, unreasonable and sometimes hysterical. But, if I spot that initiator and manage to support them through it, they feel understood, heard and loved. And they grow to understand themselves better because of the complete process.

As I considered these flashpoints, I realised that they naturally apply to adults too. Maybe we don’t tantrum quite in the style of kids (maybe we do sometimes too!) but those places where we act out, where we are less patient, less tolerant, less kind, also predominantly derive from these 3 core triggers.

Sleep and Diet, whilst often in disorder, are more simply managed and controlled. By recognising the importance of their part in our mental wellbeing they can be adjusted to the appropriate priority.

Anxiety and Fear are trickier; far less control; the numerous possibilities of spontaneous and unexpected catalysts; and generally some of life’s more challenging obstacles that can be hurled in our direction at any given moment.

But knowledge is still power and in this case often retrospectively.  At those time when I find myself presenting the less pleasant side of my nature, it is so helpful for me to investigate these 3 triggers and see how I can adjust or support them. If it is anxiety or fear that has reared up, I can take steps to learn to manage that better, to implement change in my life that can reduce that possibility, or even overcome them completely.

Empathy, resolution, connection and growth are created for me, for my children and for others when I take a breath to explore the source of the behaviour. No one tantrums because they think it’s cool or healthy, it’s a hard place to go and it deserves every effort to understand it.