children – Soul Reflection

Treat ’em Like A Dog

In actual fact, there is a lot of truth in this statement where our children are concerned. But I imagine I need to explain myself a little more before I’ve convinced anyone!

When we rescued our dog from the streets of Athens, it was a whole new world of learning and discovery. I had never owned a dog before and have to confess I thought training would be a simple case of bribery and corruption, with multiple treats. It may work for some but not for mine!

Thankfully I was led to the work of Jan Fennell, The Dog Listener, who helped me understand that my dog was presuming dominance from our attitude and felt the need to protect her pack aka us! More than that it was incredibly stressful for her; without training or leadership, being the Alpha is no fun at all. So we adopted the techniques required to show her who was boss, and how subordinate she really is. Relative calm ensued. She will test us, she will look for chinks in our resolve but overall, our word goes and she listens.

And here is why it applies to our children. The blurry lines between conscious and permissive parenting means that many parents these days offer huge amounts of choice to our kids under the guise of respecting their individuality; this varies from the mild shopping trip for clothes to the very important decisions about schools and nourishment.

They are not meant to be making any of these decisions, they are emotionally immature for a very long time and whilst it’s important that they feel autonomous by letting them join in chores and daily living, fundamental choices belong to the parent. Asking them or facilitating their belief that they have control over these decisions can cause them extraordinary stress, which can manifest in many ways, tantrums included, least likely is for them to explain, ‘please decide for me’.

They are not meant to be the alpha in the family and there are plenty of ways to respect their individuality and personality whilst also providing warm, loving, strong boundaries so they know these big emotional decisions aren’t up to them.

So in this craze for letting our kids decide far too many things, I say, treat ‘em like a dog!

First published on social media on 15th May 2023

When Our Best Is Good Enough

I love how the universe aligns conversations and events so perfectly. Yesterday, I had a longed for and wonderful catch up with a dear dear friend who lives so far away. Our times together are the utmost precious and always nonstop chatter. We were discussing our children and sharing the similarities in personalities, the challenges they bring and more pertinently how we help them navigate the world.

We were reflecting on how society places such high value on the No.1, top spot, highest rank etc. If you’re not THE best are you really good enough? And ultimately how unhealthy that feels and what a pressure it is on our children. We both have kids that can coast and rest on their very competent laurels that sometimes need a push to fulfil their personal potentials. But we also have children who can offer their very best and are not always recognised for that because despite the hard work and effort it doesn’t take them to that perceived top spot. And that’s hard to watch, the ranking is irrelevant to me, but it’s painful to see them overlooked for a simple acknowledgement of their intense efforts.

This week was all about that for one of mine, a football camp that he was passionate about attending. Pushing himself further socially than I have even known him do. Five hours a day for four days, football everything. And I knew he was giving it his absolute all. Each day he came home and mentioned that there might be a medal at the end of the camp, a trophy even for just one kid in each group. Modestly, he didn’t expect the trophy, but wishing at least for a medal.

And the final moment came where every child received a medal and the trophies were handed out. They praised the child about to receive it for their solid attendance, their constant hard work, their respectful attitude towards the coaches and their overall improvement. And he was honoured! Was he the very best technical player there?Probably not, but what a beautiful inspiration for him to be seen for all that he brought and all that he is. He said he felt like he was in a dream and I’m not sure that he’s stopped smiling since.

In a world dominated by having to be the best over others, what a breath of fresh air for the best of ourselves to be celebrated instead. When our best is good enough.

First published on social media on 7th April 2023

Reclaiming My Body

I have been listening to the searingly honest, heart opening & breaking podcast (on Psilocybin) by Honestly Elizabeth and much of her experience resonates for me on so many planes.

One of the things it really crystallised was how much the sexual abuse by my father disassociated me from my body. When I reflect back on later abuses and relationships, I can see clearly how I would so often reach a point of coercion; when someone wanted more from me than I really wanted to give, in both consensual and non consensual situations, I could observe my spirit step back and allow my body to be taken. The subtlety of this is hard to describe and I think in many, if not most, of these scenarios, the man could be forgiven for believing that I had given permission rather than simply acquiescing, which would be more accurate.

My body was a trade, I gave it, it appeased. I think this is why the ‘me too’ movement is so complex. I believe many many women surrender to appease rather than truly give permission but how can someone know that? I cannot blame all the men, certainly there were some at fault, pushy, domineering, scary even, but there were other who were sweet and thoughtful, who simply triggered my neuro-programming to submit, as my father had taught me.

Part of my healing today is to fully reclaim my body as mine, to integrate it as an essential part of my whole. And, as is so often the case when trying to restore balance, a counter weight is required. Now, I need absolute trust, safety and respect before I can consider offering my sacred self. And I also teach my children that sharing their bodies with anyone, when they reach that age and stage of life, is a sharing of spirit and how important it is to be in loving and trusting energy with that person.

Our society devalues sexual intimacy at great cost to our souls and it perpetuates this separation of body and spirit. The current vogue of early sexualisation of children, through media, fashion, wokism et al, is truly horrifying and when measured as a splintering of soul connection can only be classed as abuse.

I only hope that a much needed and aching return to family values blossoms and this part of our lives, as a society, will also be restored to a healthier, happier connection before much more damage is perpetrated against our innocents.

And as I reconnect my splintered parts, may that be mirrored into the world and draw together those elements that need healing and connecting for all of humanity.

First published on social media on 6th February 2023

The Subtle Art of Parenting

It’s easy to claim the titles of mother/father or mum/dad, they’re a biological thing or even a role demarcation. You are, or you are not, a mum or dad.

Being a parent, on the other hand, is a different kettle of fish. You can be a mother or father without ever actually being a parent. To be a parent requires a person to actively parent – to guide, nurture, hold, love, support, cherish, discipline, nourish and be present to a child. Not all at once and not all of the time, but certainly a significant portion of it.

This is not about making the child the centre of your focus, as that too can be detrimental to their own perception of their place in the world, but that the parent’s focus contains the child.

One of the biggest inhibitors of this is our own ego. The part of ourselves that tries to define us; we are ‘such & such’ a person because we have these status symbols or because we behave in this manner. We are seen by the world, and we see the world, with the protection and filter of our ego. It has its place but it can also be frequently a barrier to genuine connection and understanding.

When our, perhaps imbalanced, ego is involved in the parenting mix, it often causes more harm than good. The ego may tell us how our children should behave or be or look or act, as a representative of us. It forgets that children are their own spirits and personalities. Our imbalanced ego prevents us from seeing our children for who they really are, in the place they’re really at, just now, here, in the moment.

By working on the principle of stepping beyond our own ego – by recognising when their behaviour or attitude triggers the delicacy of our own status or place in the world – who am I when my child argues with me? Who am I when my child lies? Who am I when my child hits or hurts us or another? Who am I when my child rejects my food?

By staying with the understanding that it is our ego that wants to control and stop these challenges to our sensitives selves and by reframing the thoughts to – who are my children when they do these things? What are their struggles? Where are their needs being met or not?

When we can offer this alternative, then we can offer our presence, our attention, our attunement and, most of all, our love.

From my own place as a mother and as a daughter, when I consider the art of parenting, I know that the practicalities fall in and around these principles. If I parent from this place of seeing my children for who they are, not how I want them to be; if I pay attention to the subtleties of their days and interactions, I will learn to understand them as they shift and grow. I will be able to offer simple heart connecting wisdom rather than controlling direction and I will meet my children where there are at. Just this.

Indeed, as they age and form their own depths of personalities and experiences, the more important this becomes, and often the harder. Society forgives a tantruming toddler, but less so an emotionally spirited teen. So can we transcend the ego expectations of our societies and embody the role of parent instead?

Not always…. to err is human, but certainly it is a baseline of understanding to return to, to ground ourselves from and to turn around and try again.

So pay attention to what has happened today, what went on in their worlds this week, this month, this year… how has that formed them, influenced them, shifted them? What do they need from us now? Distraction, attention, conversation, silence, hugs, space, food, sleep, healing, laughter, fun, company, connection…?

To navigate the subtle art of parenting is an onerous task, but also, quite simply, the most rewarding, soul stretching, inspiring and important creation of art there ever was, or ever will be.

Maskless

Just as I think my heart couldn’t hurt anymore I see a post like this. And then I feel so intensely angry that there is such complicity that has enabled this horror.

This past year has all been about personal responsibility. When we take full responsibility for ourselves we become empowered in our own wisdom. As I have become more and more accountable for my actions, choices, behaviour and impact over the years, I have also deepened my real sense of self on every level: physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I understand my body and my health and have no fear of illness; I am in touch with my emotions so I can recognise when I am standing in fear or love; I have nurtured my faith in the Divine and do not fear lack or death.

All of these are about me taking responsibility for my place in the world and that includes standing in my sovereignty around these beautiful babies and children who are meeting life in the hardest of ways. Babies seek out my face in the shops because I am maskless, they need us to step out of fear and offer them a life worth living.

They are our future. Damage them now and it portends to the saddest of worlds; welcome them with all the love and compassion they deserve and heaven becomes a place on earth.

#children #future #love #fear #compassion #responsibility #wisdom #sovereignty #heaven #masks

First Written on Social Media 28 April 2021

Not All Women

So I have some questions. You know those mothers, the really damaged, wounded ones, who abuse their children? The ones who starve them, neglect them, beat them and sexually assault them?

Am I responsible for those women because I am also a woman?

Should I be at the school gates everyday, making delicate, or perhaps obvious, enquiries into any behaviour that is outside of generically good and kind? Should I be talking to all the mum’s about whether their own toxic childhood is damaging their children?

If I saw a woman doing any of these things to their children, would I step in? You bet your bottom dollar I would. But would I presume all mothers are like this, degrade them with this presumption and nag and belittle them just in case they might be one of those exceptional and rare cases? No I wouldn’t.

So I’m not going to do that to men either. I trust human nature to be good and kind. Are there exceptions? Of course. But I won’t poison the whole pot just to punish those perpetrators. As much as it makes me heartbreakingly sad when I hear stories of any form of abuse, it is not helpful to live in fear of it.

Fear creates fear. Love creates love.

#fear #love #trust #kindness #men #women #children #notallmen #notallwomen

First Written on Social Media 13 March 2021

They say I have no compassion

Yet my mind and heart are torn with concern for the decimation of our children’s well-being. The long term impact on their mental health from the hysterical fear messaging by those that are supposed to keep them safe.

They say I have no compassion

Yet my heart breaks for the elderly left alone, without touch or love; empty days to end their lives on, how does this protect them? Has anyone asked for their opinion, for their choices?

They say I have no compassion

But my soul weeps for the disconnection from humanity; masks, division, fear, compliance to arbitrary and harmful rules.

They say I have no compassion

Though I lie awake wondering how those whose livelihoods have disappeared before their eyes are putting food on the table and keeping a roof over their heads, at home and abroad.

I am so bemused by being told that decisions are for my freedom and protection when they are doing the opposite. Where education is being removed unless we submit to suffocating our children; where travel is threatened to be withheld unless we allow unnecessary medical procedures; where I am being pushed to use cashless finance, irrelevant to how that impacts our lives including that of our children and our privacy; that I am not free to roam my community without confrontation around masks, sanitiser, personal details.

How is any of this creating a more connected, loving community? I am not afraid of a virus that has the same impact of any other virus. Those that take personal responsibility for their health will survive without impact; those who are vulnerable will face the same risks from life as they always have.

They say I have no compassion but where is their compassion for all those suffering in order to ‘protect’ them?

I’ll Always Worry

Twice this week, I have had comments laid at my feet that somehow my expression of mother concern is ‘too much’.

Now I agree that helicopter / smothering mummy is not a good look, nor indeed a healthy option, but judging a mama for being a mama…. now that’s just insanity.

I am always going to worry if my kids have got the right clothes when the weather changes and I’m not there. I am always going to worry that these fragile dynamics of friendships, as they twist and turn into their own unique beings, are upsetting or hurting them. I am always going to worry whether they are getting the right balance of nutrition as I insist on chicken broth and treat them with ice cream. I am always going to worry about those times when I said ugly words or shouted too loud, that perhaps broke them a little. I am always going to worry if I’m doing the best for my children, holding strong boundaries and gifting freedom of spirit.

It’s my job.

I’m a mama.

So please don’t tell me to relax, or step back or any of those casual utterances that seem to belittle my role. Because more than anything, you don’t see how much I hold my tongue when they tell me about the kid at school who slaps or whispers; how I look at their naked limbs in the icy wind and remind myself that it’s their body; or how much guilt I feel for not knowing what I know now!

You do not see how much I let them go when I ache to hold them tight; that I find ways to help them explore risk and adventure when my heart is beating hard in my throat.

And when I spew my anxieties out it’s in order to clear them from my energy so that I can return to them with calm, thoughtfulness and courage.

I have worried myself into some awesome choices and discoveries as a mother. My worries have pushed me to find the hidden solution, the alternative avenue and the unique path that is creating my family.

But more than anything, these crazy, wonderful beings grew in my tummy (and even if they hadn’t), blew my world and my mind wide open to the glorious intensity of mother love and I am proud to worry about them; excited to have the responsibility of their blossoming souls; and utterly & blissfully surrendered to the knowledge that they will be front and foremost in my mind and heart for the very rest of my days.

I’ll always worry and I make no apologies for that. I have been blessed with this extraordinary job of mother and worrying is just one small and important part of a truly magnificent whole.

Our Achilles

Yesterday, I watched the podcast between Russell Brand and Brene Brown and loved it, of course.

Totally my thing, discussions on vulnerability and spirituality, boundaries of steel and the state of our global society. Meaningful, heartfelt, humourous and enlightening.

I was nodding happily along to it all right up until the last five minutes when Russell asked Brene’s advice on parenting. And then I was thrown.

I was thrown, not only because Brene’s advice was so contrary to my own views (and that is totally ok btw, this is not a judgement conversation) but because her philosophy to parenting seemed so opposed to the rest of her OWN philosophy.

Let me extrapolate, my understanding of her work on vulnerability and shame can also be looked at through the lens of control. Vulnerability being the release of control and shame protection being all about control. And yet here I was hearing Brene recommend what she called ‘choice parenting’ or Choice Theory. The principle of which is to give the children a choice to make… the basic premise being to continue with their ‘unacceptable’ behaviour and face a consequence OR stop.

Again, I want to hold this discussion without judgement but as a musing of ideas.

I frequently use choice with my kids but with certain differences. Occasionally I use it because something is non negotiable usually to do with physical or emotional safety. More often than not I use it to get my own way, for example ‘please close your mouth whilst your eating or I will have to take away your ice cream’. This is control.

I know it, I recognise it and I really really try not to do it because ultimately I am inflicting my utterly subjective values on someone else. Another important element to this principle is age appropriateness and development, what age are children able to understand and rationalise choice? When I heard Brene discuss constructive choice offers with wayward teens, there may still be background (and necessary?) control but I get that it can create immediate mediation and lead to thoughtful discussions. However when suggesting offering a choice to a tantrum-ing 2/3 year old – calm down or we leave the restaurant, I baulk. That is not a choice a small person can make fairly nor is it in anyway modelling vulnerability.

With the very best of intentions, work and graft, I moderate my feelings to be thoughtful and kind but when I get utterly overwhelmed by life’s happenings they sometime go awry. Sometimes I lose my temper, sometimes I’m just a bit grouchy and snappy. I have ‘a choice’ in how I express these yet frequently my thinking choice is retrospective, it comes after the event (I blame my Italian ancestry and Scorpio birth alignment – I maybe just a touch fiery at times!). When my feelings overwhelm me, I make a point of reflecting on them, being vulnerable about their root cause and making amends. Because I’m human and flawed and that’s ok.

Now if I, as a fully qualified and fairly reasonable adult, have moments of overwhelm, what can we expect of our little ones? Sure they may need to be taken out of a restaurant for a cuddle and calm down, to help them re centre and restore their spirit, but isn’t the ‘choice’ of removing them permanently, as a consequence of being totally vulnerable, not only punishing and shaming but also almost impossible for them to process?!?

Do you feel the contradiction like I do?

But this isn’t about making Brene wrong because she and I are both making parenting choices from our very best intentions despite our differences. It’s about our Achilles Heel.

It about the fact that we all have one; we can be so utterly clever and kind and wise and human and also make choices that contradict ourselves, are incongruent, flawed and bizarre.

I didn’t come away from this podcast thinking less of Brene (although I did yearn to speak to Russell about my perspective too!), I actually came away thinking more of her. She became more relatable and more real to me and absolutely more attainable as a vision for myself.

I don’t have any academic qualifications (zip, nada, none) so I am easily cowed to believe that I have nothing to validate my viewpoint or opinion, despite instinctively feeling that actually I have some cool things to share.

Watching the podcast yesterday reminded me that it’s not about the degrees and letters after the name but simply about the conversation, Achilles and all.

So let’s keep talking…

Today Only

My kids, like all kids, are moment to moment peeps. If they are in the middle of a game, or need to put five cars in a bag, or plait their hair before going someone, those things take priority over and above the consideration of being on time and potentially missing something that they really don’t want to miss. No matter how much I explain, the movie won’t wait for us, the party will already be started… using things that would be important to them ‘in that moment’ none of it is going to take them out of THIS moment.

It drives me absolutely potty AND I want to be like them.

Today Only

Yesterday I was talking with my incredible homeopath & friend, running through the anxieties that were causing me physical and uncomfortable symptoms. ALL of them were anxieties about the future. Do I need to do x now in order for y to happen then?… what if I don’t feel like this when that happens?… etc

And she reminded me so beautifully that every choice that I am pondering and worrying about is a day to day decision. Today, does it feel right to be in no contact with my mother?; today, does it feel right to be cosleeping with my children?; today, does it feel right to be living in this country?; today, does my relationship feel right?; today, am I doing the best that I can for myself and my choices?

Those are the only decisions I can consider. The future it unknown. Life happens. And suddenly I feel the energetic release from my body as I realise I don’t have to know who I will be in 20 years from now, nor even tomorrow.

All I can do is Today Only.