parenting – Soul Reflection

Enmeshed

I think that there is, in general, a natural level of enmeshment in any form of psychodynamic relationship, be that parent/child, romantic partner, even close friendship. Whilst there can also be psychodynamics between boss and employee, doctor and patient etc there is less likely to be true enmeshment in these more emotionally separate containers. A Venn diagram comes to mind… the cross overs creating areas of enmeshment where our feelings interact so deeply with each other and are so engaged with responding to each other that it can be hard to separate what is best for the individual at times.

Most recently I’ve been observing enmeshment between parent and child and when this starts to impinge on not just the mental health of the child but also how it impacts the fields of relationships surrounding them.

Both my children tip the balance into enmeshment when I am very sad about something, ironically because I don’t cry very much, when I do it can be overinflated by them into distress for themselves. There is a natural, biological cause for this, as their primary survival post, my unravelling could literally be theirs; so empathy becomes enmeshment when their own feelings are directed by mine. My job is to reassure them through my sadness and show them that my own strength is enough to carry me through rough moments without them feeling like they have to somehow fix it for me.

This example shows the thin veil between our children being beautifully empathetic and potentially unhealthily enmeshed, also highlighting why low level enmeshment is really a natural state between those we have strong psychological attachment to. However, I also see how some of the messaging in the conscious parenting movement can often foster disturbing and unhealthy enmeshment based on the beautiful principles of staying connected with our children’s emotions.

This simple study shows it quite clearly:

(Roles: parent, child, unrelated adult)

Parent warns unrelated adult who is collecting child that child might be disappointed by news of a cancelled event.

Adult collects child, informs child of cancelled event, pragmatically and simply. Child behaves acceptingly and continues in healthy dynamics with other children

Child returned to parent, parent immediately informs child ‘you must be disappointed by the cancellation’

On being told ‘they must be’ disappointed, child reacts as such and moves into a habitual behaviour that signifies their disappointment, including an age inappropriate tantrum and minor violence.

Parent accepts this as normal expression of disappointment and boundaries around their behaviour are loose. Here is a self perpetuating cycle that hinders both parent and child and their mutual relationship. Parent’s too intense concern over disappointment feeds the child, who then ‘proves’ to the parent how desperate their disappointment is. Setting them both up perfectly for the next event that may be disappointing.

Instead if the child were reassured that disappointment is a fact of life and had that feeling simply, briefly and kindly acknowledged, the child would learn great life skills and resilience. Helping them to see that the tantrum and violence were disproportionate to the event equally helps them to learn to measure and scale their emotions appropriately.

As it was the parent felt overwhelmed and struggled with the deep enmeshment of anxiety around their own and the child’s potential feelings, their own history of disappointment (most likely from a childhood wounding) whilst simultaneously experiencing the painfully conflicting discomfort the antisocial behaviour provoked. Other children witnessing were shocked and felt the need to distance themselves from the child, causing social and friendship issues later down the line.

I see examples like this every single day in a school environment; most are transitory, the parent will quickly learn and adjust, whilst a few will deepen into these subconscious ruts within the neurology of both parent and child and go on to create pathological behavioural issues.

The most poignant part for me is that, whilst these upsetting dynamics can be expected within families that are playing out ancient wounds with no awareness or impetus to do it differently, in families making really conscious decisions to break cycles and do the best by and for their children, this enmeshment can often be their blind spot because it’s done with the greatest of intentions to help a child ‘name’ or express their emotions. Under the guise of help and protection, yet ultimately causing harm.

So perhaps conscious parenting needs to be focused more on the consciousness of the parental wounds and how they impact the child rather than over compensating for those scarred parts of us.

As an addendum, I don’t usually write pieces that are focused on another person’s actions or behaviour because it can appear so judgemental and also rarely traces the full picture of events that are always deeply nuanced with the contexts of each person’s soul journey. I make the exception here because I found this particular study so eye opening for myself that it really helped me to look within and explore my own enmeshments across many relationships not least with my children. So I share it here not to shame any parent for doing their best, with all their love and intention, but as the offering it was to me, to look within and raise my consciousness to be more aware of when my wounds prevent another’s own expression and well being.

First published on social media on 30th May 2023

Treat ’em Like A Dog

In actual fact, there is a lot of truth in this statement where our children are concerned. But I imagine I need to explain myself a little more before I’ve convinced anyone!

When we rescued our dog from the streets of Athens, it was a whole new world of learning and discovery. I had never owned a dog before and have to confess I thought training would be a simple case of bribery and corruption, with multiple treats. It may work for some but not for mine!

Thankfully I was led to the work of Jan Fennell, The Dog Listener, who helped me understand that my dog was presuming dominance from our attitude and felt the need to protect her pack aka us! More than that it was incredibly stressful for her; without training or leadership, being the Alpha is no fun at all. So we adopted the techniques required to show her who was boss, and how subordinate she really is. Relative calm ensued. She will test us, she will look for chinks in our resolve but overall, our word goes and she listens.

And here is why it applies to our children. The blurry lines between conscious and permissive parenting means that many parents these days offer huge amounts of choice to our kids under the guise of respecting their individuality; this varies from the mild shopping trip for clothes to the very important decisions about schools and nourishment.

They are not meant to be making any of these decisions, they are emotionally immature for a very long time and whilst it’s important that they feel autonomous by letting them join in chores and daily living, fundamental choices belong to the parent. Asking them or facilitating their belief that they have control over these decisions can cause them extraordinary stress, which can manifest in many ways, tantrums included, least likely is for them to explain, ‘please decide for me’.

They are not meant to be the alpha in the family and there are plenty of ways to respect their individuality and personality whilst also providing warm, loving, strong boundaries so they know these big emotional decisions aren’t up to them.

So in this craze for letting our kids decide far too many things, I say, treat ‘em like a dog!

First published on social media on 15th May 2023

When Our Best Is Good Enough

I love how the universe aligns conversations and events so perfectly. Yesterday, I had a longed for and wonderful catch up with a dear dear friend who lives so far away. Our times together are the utmost precious and always nonstop chatter. We were discussing our children and sharing the similarities in personalities, the challenges they bring and more pertinently how we help them navigate the world.

We were reflecting on how society places such high value on the No.1, top spot, highest rank etc. If you’re not THE best are you really good enough? And ultimately how unhealthy that feels and what a pressure it is on our children. We both have kids that can coast and rest on their very competent laurels that sometimes need a push to fulfil their personal potentials. But we also have children who can offer their very best and are not always recognised for that because despite the hard work and effort it doesn’t take them to that perceived top spot. And that’s hard to watch, the ranking is irrelevant to me, but it’s painful to see them overlooked for a simple acknowledgement of their intense efforts.

This week was all about that for one of mine, a football camp that he was passionate about attending. Pushing himself further socially than I have even known him do. Five hours a day for four days, football everything. And I knew he was giving it his absolute all. Each day he came home and mentioned that there might be a medal at the end of the camp, a trophy even for just one kid in each group. Modestly, he didn’t expect the trophy, but wishing at least for a medal.

And the final moment came where every child received a medal and the trophies were handed out. They praised the child about to receive it for their solid attendance, their constant hard work, their respectful attitude towards the coaches and their overall improvement. And he was honoured! Was he the very best technical player there?Probably not, but what a beautiful inspiration for him to be seen for all that he brought and all that he is. He said he felt like he was in a dream and I’m not sure that he’s stopped smiling since.

In a world dominated by having to be the best over others, what a breath of fresh air for the best of ourselves to be celebrated instead. When our best is good enough.

First published on social media on 7th April 2023

The Subtle Art of Parenting

It’s easy to claim the titles of mother/father or mum/dad, they’re a biological thing or even a role demarcation. You are, or you are not, a mum or dad.

Being a parent, on the other hand, is a different kettle of fish. You can be a mother or father without ever actually being a parent. To be a parent requires a person to actively parent – to guide, nurture, hold, love, support, cherish, discipline, nourish and be present to a child. Not all at once and not all of the time, but certainly a significant portion of it.

This is not about making the child the centre of your focus, as that too can be detrimental to their own perception of their place in the world, but that the parent’s focus contains the child.

One of the biggest inhibitors of this is our own ego. The part of ourselves that tries to define us; we are ‘such & such’ a person because we have these status symbols or because we behave in this manner. We are seen by the world, and we see the world, with the protection and filter of our ego. It has its place but it can also be frequently a barrier to genuine connection and understanding.

When our, perhaps imbalanced, ego is involved in the parenting mix, it often causes more harm than good. The ego may tell us how our children should behave or be or look or act, as a representative of us. It forgets that children are their own spirits and personalities. Our imbalanced ego prevents us from seeing our children for who they really are, in the place they’re really at, just now, here, in the moment.

By working on the principle of stepping beyond our own ego – by recognising when their behaviour or attitude triggers the delicacy of our own status or place in the world – who am I when my child argues with me? Who am I when my child lies? Who am I when my child hits or hurts us or another? Who am I when my child rejects my food?

By staying with the understanding that it is our ego that wants to control and stop these challenges to our sensitives selves and by reframing the thoughts to – who are my children when they do these things? What are their struggles? Where are their needs being met or not?

When we can offer this alternative, then we can offer our presence, our attention, our attunement and, most of all, our love.

From my own place as a mother and as a daughter, when I consider the art of parenting, I know that the practicalities fall in and around these principles. If I parent from this place of seeing my children for who they are, not how I want them to be; if I pay attention to the subtleties of their days and interactions, I will learn to understand them as they shift and grow. I will be able to offer simple heart connecting wisdom rather than controlling direction and I will meet my children where there are at. Just this.

Indeed, as they age and form their own depths of personalities and experiences, the more important this becomes, and often the harder. Society forgives a tantruming toddler, but less so an emotionally spirited teen. So can we transcend the ego expectations of our societies and embody the role of parent instead?

Not always…. to err is human, but certainly it is a baseline of understanding to return to, to ground ourselves from and to turn around and try again.

So pay attention to what has happened today, what went on in their worlds this week, this month, this year… how has that formed them, influenced them, shifted them? What do they need from us now? Distraction, attention, conversation, silence, hugs, space, food, sleep, healing, laughter, fun, company, connection…?

To navigate the subtle art of parenting is an onerous task, but also, quite simply, the most rewarding, soul stretching, inspiring and important creation of art there ever was, or ever will be.

The Rockery

My youngest is a do-er. Any task where tools can be utilised, muscles stretched and creative energy unleashed, that’s heaven.

And it welcomes its own journey of negotiation, surrender, guidance and boundaries. Much like most areas of parenting really.

This past week we designed and created a rockery in our garden. Our ideas were not fully aligned. One of the areas of parenting I have struggled with is finding the balance between fully embracing the creative vision of my child, measured against not only my own desires, but actually more the practicality and functionality of these endeavours.

I have learned that leaning fully into their own ideas has so often just led to crushing disappointment as they cannot yet manifest in practical terms. This has its own gifts, and disappointment is not something to shy away from. Counterbalanced by the knowledge that with a little guidance these ideas can create the most glorious of lessons, skills and confidence. The cherry on the top is also respecting my own visions, to model holding my boundaries and not allowing the ego of child to believe themselves too worldly, too early. And then of course there is surrender….

All this in just a few days of moving rocks, planting flowers and scattering stones. All of this everyday as a parent.

When to guide, when to step back and allow, when to stand strong, when to surrender to flow.

These are life lessons for me but the painful edge is that it can feel huge that I am this influencer of principles to real, live humans who are still growing and forming and absorbing it all. The pressure can feel utterly overwhelming until I remember that I’m just human too, that we chose each other from the stars and love is love the world over after all.

So to all you mama’s and papa’s agonising over the most recent battle, the lost moment, the unsaid apology, the what if; I want to offer the words that I comfort myself with.

My work is their work, my lessons are theirs. We are intertwined for this very reason, for this moment in time, for this day of chaos, for this hour of hilarity. All of it is and all of it isn’t. Everything is just as it should be.

Love Hope Faith and Grace.

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First Written on Social Media 27 March 2021

The Empathy Trap

It is always hard to write a blog where I have to reflect on my mistakes as a parent. My ego screams to keep it silent but my spirit yearns to share and offer it of service to others. A mighty battle within.

My parenting philosophy is deeply embedded with the principle of empathy; of feeling and understanding my children’s perspective, in order that I can help guide them and support them through their journey.

I still think this is deeply important.

Yet I have discovered a trap in this idealised path… something that harms rather than helps my children on their journeys. It has been particularly highlighted by one child whom has a fight reaction tendency when misunderstood. When they have lashed out I have nearly always seen and understood the route to that explosion. I have watched and witnessed the unfolding of communication crashes and mix ups. And so I have helped explain that to others. I have spoken their feelings and shown how and why they have reached melt down. I did this to model to them how to verbalise their frustrations and recognise their own triggers.

And it has worked. They can verbalise and can recognise but they can also excuse themselves. ‘I hit because they annoyed me.’

And I have explained that excuses are not ok, there is no justification for violence unless in defence of life and soul. But they keep coming. These excuses. By fully empathising I have taught that there is some implicit permission in their reaction, I have fed this attitude of vindication.

So I have reflected. I have looked out into the world at the excuses and demands for empathy being thrown out constantly in society; I have looked within at the balance of compassion and discipline triggers from my past and I realise that on this honourable path of affinity I have let resilience slide.

Because resilience is a key tool for life. Resilience is the ability to carry on in the face of all adversity, including that of being misunderstood.

When I look out into the world and see the screams and cries of so many begging to be understood, to be re-labelled, re-defined and then crumbling and collapsing when others don’t want to, don’t have to, don’t like to; there I see a dearth of resilience. It is not for us to demand someone’s understanding, it is for us to know that we are still enough without it.

So now I have some work to do. My children are thankfully young and resilient enough to flow with my mistakes; we learn together. I hope the rest of the world can too.

I’ll Always Worry

Twice this week, I have had comments laid at my feet that somehow my expression of mother concern is ‘too much’.

Now I agree that helicopter / smothering mummy is not a good look, nor indeed a healthy option, but judging a mama for being a mama…. now that’s just insanity.

I am always going to worry if my kids have got the right clothes when the weather changes and I’m not there. I am always going to worry that these fragile dynamics of friendships, as they twist and turn into their own unique beings, are upsetting or hurting them. I am always going to worry whether they are getting the right balance of nutrition as I insist on chicken broth and treat them with ice cream. I am always going to worry about those times when I said ugly words or shouted too loud, that perhaps broke them a little. I am always going to worry if I’m doing the best for my children, holding strong boundaries and gifting freedom of spirit.

It’s my job.

I’m a mama.

So please don’t tell me to relax, or step back or any of those casual utterances that seem to belittle my role. Because more than anything, you don’t see how much I hold my tongue when they tell me about the kid at school who slaps or whispers; how I look at their naked limbs in the icy wind and remind myself that it’s their body; or how much guilt I feel for not knowing what I know now!

You do not see how much I let them go when I ache to hold them tight; that I find ways to help them explore risk and adventure when my heart is beating hard in my throat.

And when I spew my anxieties out it’s in order to clear them from my energy so that I can return to them with calm, thoughtfulness and courage.

I have worried myself into some awesome choices and discoveries as a mother. My worries have pushed me to find the hidden solution, the alternative avenue and the unique path that is creating my family.

But more than anything, these crazy, wonderful beings grew in my tummy (and even if they hadn’t), blew my world and my mind wide open to the glorious intensity of mother love and I am proud to worry about them; excited to have the responsibility of their blossoming souls; and utterly & blissfully surrendered to the knowledge that they will be front and foremost in my mind and heart for the very rest of my days.

I’ll always worry and I make no apologies for that. I have been blessed with this extraordinary job of mother and worrying is just one small and important part of a truly magnificent whole.

Seeing Love

I advocate passionately & reverently for the resurrection of our ancient wisdom supported by modern research of neurological development; together these detail how responding to the animalistic, biological and psychological needs of our children is integral, not only to their own solid emotional, spiritual & physical health, but also to forming the foundations of a healthy society.

Everything I write about, read about, talk about, dream about draws back to this core. The requirements that reach beyond basic survival and into the depths of humanity and soul.

So I am hyper aware of the impact of my own behaviours and ancestral baggage on myself as a parent, friend, wife and therapist. I could read nuances into each word or facial reaction; I could demand that the circle around my family be restricted to only those conscious of their own wounds; I could attempt to micromanage each and every influence that enters my domain. This would all be very understandable when my heart understands the subtle ramifications that can come from the slightest tremor.

Of course this would also likely lead me to the edge of insanity, trying to control the world and environment to a place of perfection; on top of which it is hardly a good model for my children, friends or clients to ape resilience, compassion, growth, personal choice, understanding and a gazillion other amazing qualities that come from meeting conflicting ideas or ideology.

But what really hit home to me today, was that most of all I would miss seeing love in all its forms. It’s so easy to believe love comes in the form that I feel and express it in, but love is offered in a myriad of weird and wonderful ways that can only be found by opening our heart to the intention with which things are brought.

When I read articles detailing how one is supposed to be a ‘true friend’ or a ‘modern partner’, for example: don’t offer advice unless it is asked for; respect my boundaries at all times; don’t use emotionally sensitive language without first checking for permission; don’t use physical touch without explicit approval….

This…. this drives me batty. If I took all this on board I would be have to be the worst ever friend. Except I’m not. I’m a good friend and I frequently offer advice without first checking because that is one of my primary ways to show and express my love (Acts of Service). I am able, mostly, to perceive if my advice is unwanted and shut up, but not everyone is and yet they might still be offering the very depths of their love. Other people might smother people with hugs and kisses when actually space is wanted; perhaps there are friends that come and tidy up your house leaving you feeling a bit slovenly in their company; others can be effusive with their words, showering you with compliments and affirmations that to you feel hollow and meaningless; another might buy you a gift when all you really wanted was them not to cancel the plans.

It is so so so easy to see the worst in people rather than the best. It is so easy to miss love.

Do I want my world to be a microcosm of connected, joyful and loving intention? Absolutely. Is that going to be reflected if I limit that to just those that follow my form? Boundaries are important, safety is important but should they come at the expensive of seeing the true depths of someone’s heart and intention? Isn’t this world crying out for more love not less?

Today I offered my love to someone and it was utterly rejected, it wasn’t in the right form for them and they reacted to it negatively rather than positively, and I thought of all those people in the world that are getting shouted down, shut down or ignored for showing love in the ‘wrong way’. Awareness, consciousness and growth are beautiful potentials that bloom more powerfully when wrapped in compassion, forgiveness and understanding.

Yesterday, I told off my eldest for yabbering to my youngest when he had so clearly asked for space and quiet, today I see how she was just offering love….

Today I am seeing love.

Our Achilles

Yesterday, I watched the podcast between Russell Brand and Brene Brown and loved it, of course.

Totally my thing, discussions on vulnerability and spirituality, boundaries of steel and the state of our global society. Meaningful, heartfelt, humourous and enlightening.

I was nodding happily along to it all right up until the last five minutes when Russell asked Brene’s advice on parenting. And then I was thrown.

I was thrown, not only because Brene’s advice was so contrary to my own views (and that is totally ok btw, this is not a judgement conversation) but because her philosophy to parenting seemed so opposed to the rest of her OWN philosophy.

Let me extrapolate, my understanding of her work on vulnerability and shame can also be looked at through the lens of control. Vulnerability being the release of control and shame protection being all about control. And yet here I was hearing Brene recommend what she called ‘choice parenting’ or Choice Theory. The principle of which is to give the children a choice to make… the basic premise being to continue with their ‘unacceptable’ behaviour and face a consequence OR stop.

Again, I want to hold this discussion without judgement but as a musing of ideas.

I frequently use choice with my kids but with certain differences. Occasionally I use it because something is non negotiable usually to do with physical or emotional safety. More often than not I use it to get my own way, for example ‘please close your mouth whilst your eating or I will have to take away your ice cream’. This is control.

I know it, I recognise it and I really really try not to do it because ultimately I am inflicting my utterly subjective values on someone else. Another important element to this principle is age appropriateness and development, what age are children able to understand and rationalise choice? When I heard Brene discuss constructive choice offers with wayward teens, there may still be background (and necessary?) control but I get that it can create immediate mediation and lead to thoughtful discussions. However when suggesting offering a choice to a tantrum-ing 2/3 year old – calm down or we leave the restaurant, I baulk. That is not a choice a small person can make fairly nor is it in anyway modelling vulnerability.

With the very best of intentions, work and graft, I moderate my feelings to be thoughtful and kind but when I get utterly overwhelmed by life’s happenings they sometime go awry. Sometimes I lose my temper, sometimes I’m just a bit grouchy and snappy. I have ‘a choice’ in how I express these yet frequently my thinking choice is retrospective, it comes after the event (I blame my Italian ancestry and Scorpio birth alignment – I maybe just a touch fiery at times!). When my feelings overwhelm me, I make a point of reflecting on them, being vulnerable about their root cause and making amends. Because I’m human and flawed and that’s ok.

Now if I, as a fully qualified and fairly reasonable adult, have moments of overwhelm, what can we expect of our little ones? Sure they may need to be taken out of a restaurant for a cuddle and calm down, to help them re centre and restore their spirit, but isn’t the ‘choice’ of removing them permanently, as a consequence of being totally vulnerable, not only punishing and shaming but also almost impossible for them to process?!?

Do you feel the contradiction like I do?

But this isn’t about making Brene wrong because she and I are both making parenting choices from our very best intentions despite our differences. It’s about our Achilles Heel.

It about the fact that we all have one; we can be so utterly clever and kind and wise and human and also make choices that contradict ourselves, are incongruent, flawed and bizarre.

I didn’t come away from this podcast thinking less of Brene (although I did yearn to speak to Russell about my perspective too!), I actually came away thinking more of her. She became more relatable and more real to me and absolutely more attainable as a vision for myself.

I don’t have any academic qualifications (zip, nada, none) so I am easily cowed to believe that I have nothing to validate my viewpoint or opinion, despite instinctively feeling that actually I have some cool things to share.

Watching the podcast yesterday reminded me that it’s not about the degrees and letters after the name but simply about the conversation, Achilles and all.

So let’s keep talking…

Trigger Me Tantrum

I have been musing over children’s tantrums and how so often the initiating triggers can be unnoticed; the act of distress being so all consuming and energetically confronting that the source becomes lost in the moment. Sadly, when the catalysts are missed the opportunity for empathy, resolution, connection and growth are usually missed too.

My reflections have led me to narrow down what I believe to be the 3 key triggers that lead to emotional meltdown: diet, sleep and anxiety/fear.

Guaranteed that my children will flip out if over tired, filled with refined sugar or too much wheat and guaranteed, if they are unable to control events that cause them concern or are faced with an emotionally threatening situation, they will act out of character and generally become obstructive, unreasonable and sometimes hysterical. But, if I spot that initiator and manage to support them through it, they feel understood, heard and loved. And they grow to understand themselves better because of the complete process.

As I considered these flashpoints, I realised that they naturally apply to adults too. Maybe we don’t tantrum quite in the style of kids (maybe we do sometimes too!) but those places where we act out, where we are less patient, less tolerant, less kind, also predominantly derive from these 3 core triggers.

Sleep and Diet, whilst often in disorder, are more simply managed and controlled. By recognising the importance of their part in our mental wellbeing they can be adjusted to the appropriate priority.

Anxiety and Fear are trickier; far less control; the numerous possibilities of spontaneous and unexpected catalysts; and generally some of life’s more challenging obstacles that can be hurled in our direction at any given moment.

But knowledge is still power and in this case often retrospectively. At those time when I find myself presenting the less pleasant side of my nature, it is so helpful for me to investigate these 3 triggers and see how I can adjust or support them. If it is anxiety or fear that has reared up, I can take steps to learn to manage that better, to implement change in my life that can reduce that possibility, or even overcome them completely.

Empathy, resolution, connection and growth are created for me, for my children and for others when I take a breath to explore the source of the behaviour. No one tantrums because they think it’s cool or healthy, it’s a hard place to go and it deserves every effort to understand it.