Fear – Soul Reflection

Teen Rites

Rites of passage have been a dinner table discussion for all sorts of reasons recently, but one thing I am clear on is that they are a vital part of life development and growth and are also sadly missing or distorted in much of modern society.

A rite of passage marks the transition from one phase or stage of life to another whether that’s into parenthood & birth, puberty, marriage, death or other smaller leaps into relationships, careers et al. So few of these are honoured with the necessary gravitas, the acknowledgment of change and the challenges that they bring. Lack of acknowledgment is one of the main causes of unresolved feelings stagnating in our bodies and spirits. Simply naming, facing, owning, expressing can change energy from fear/shame/loss to hope/growth/life and even joy.

So it is really important to me to bless and honour the transitions within my family with the appropriate rites of passage, which are unique to the protagonist and age dependent. The core theme is to be challenged, to move across a boundary, to face a fear and to be celebrated crossing the line.

My eldest is the first to hit such a marker. There will be more to come with the shifts into puberty but this beginning is a toe into the teens. And with that came the much longed for, and also much feared (for pain and blood are not easy for this soul) ear piercing.

So we made it an event. All the family shared in celebrating this moment, holding the nerves, breathing, loving and rejoicing.

I can imagine many could consider this insignificant but I know we made a memory today that will be treasured for a lifetime and is cast with a shine of positive, courageous actions. It’s the little things that nurture our beautiful humans to blossom into their very best. And it was wonderful fun too!

(Helped by the amazing team at #mariatash #harrods who gave such kind, warm and utterly professional service.)

First published on social media on 26th April 2022

One River Many Wells

‘[We need to resist the] “will to quarantine” and to separate ourselves behind self-imposed walls. For this is why we were born: Men, all men, belong to each other, and he who shuts himself away diminishes himself, and he who shuts another away from him destroys himself.’

Howard Thurman, quoted from One River, Many Wells by Matthew Fox.

Many moons ago I began a course to become an interfaith minister (a person who studies all the faiths and can minister to anyone in their combination of beliefs) but the joyful and long awaited pregnancy of my first child halted that training before it could really begin. However, in true bibliophile style I had already bought all my required reading books and they have sat on my ‘to read’ shelf for quite some years until my more recent discipline to read whatever reaches the top began.

So this book, One River, Many Wells, has been my latest read and what I love so much about allowing the Universe to determine my next study, rather than my just my desire, is how extraordinarily relevant the books have been to my current standing in the world. Is that because they are guided to me or because I see the answers in any text? Both perhaps.

I have to confess I found this book quite hard going, not philosophically but in style and format. The flow wasn’t there for me and it was certainly a matter of will and stubbornness that help me complete it. That being said, there were also a plethora of golden nuggets to take away (see small selection in photos) and I love how they have touched on all aspects of my journey, from health and nutrition, breath and purpose to reflection, justice, fear and love. It encompasses life in all of its finery and challenges.

And I absolutely agree with its holding principle, divinity is the river from which all beliefs are drawn from, whatever that looks like for you. A message so important that it needs to be reiterated as much as possible, to unify and connect our souls into a web of love, compassion and forgiveness.

First published on social media on 2nd April 2022

Maskless

Just as I think my heart couldn’t hurt anymore I see a post like this. And then I feel so intensely angry that there is such complicity that has enabled this horror.

This past year has all been about personal responsibility. When we take full responsibility for ourselves we become empowered in our own wisdom. As I have become more and more accountable for my actions, choices, behaviour and impact over the years, I have also deepened my real sense of self on every level: physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I understand my body and my health and have no fear of illness; I am in touch with my emotions so I can recognise when I am standing in fear or love; I have nurtured my faith in the Divine and do not fear lack or death.

All of these are about me taking responsibility for my place in the world and that includes standing in my sovereignty around these beautiful babies and children who are meeting life in the hardest of ways. Babies seek out my face in the shops because I am maskless, they need us to step out of fear and offer them a life worth living.

They are our future. Damage them now and it portends to the saddest of worlds; welcome them with all the love and compassion they deserve and heaven becomes a place on earth.

#children #future #love #fear #compassion #responsibility #wisdom #sovereignty #heaven #masks

First Written on Social Media 28 April 2021

Not All Women

So I have some questions. You know those mothers, the really damaged, wounded ones, who abuse their children? The ones who starve them, neglect them, beat them and sexually assault them?

Am I responsible for those women because I am also a woman?

Should I be at the school gates everyday, making delicate, or perhaps obvious, enquiries into any behaviour that is outside of generically good and kind? Should I be talking to all the mum’s about whether their own toxic childhood is damaging their children?

If I saw a woman doing any of these things to their children, would I step in? You bet your bottom dollar I would. But would I presume all mothers are like this, degrade them with this presumption and nag and belittle them just in case they might be one of those exceptional and rare cases? No I wouldn’t.

So I’m not going to do that to men either. I trust human nature to be good and kind. Are there exceptions? Of course. But I won’t poison the whole pot just to punish those perpetrators. As much as it makes me heartbreakingly sad when I hear stories of any form of abuse, it is not helpful to live in fear of it.

Fear creates fear. Love creates love.

#fear #love #trust #kindness #men #women #children #notallmen #notallwomen

First Written on Social Media 13 March 2021

You’re Not Saving Lives

I spoke with a front line GP yesterday who wanted the word to go out about the utter devastation that is happening to our children, our future.

Our teens, the ones who cannot be shielded from the stark reality of lockdown, are suffering in unprecedented numbers. The self harm, suicide and mental health issues are through the roof and, with no end in sight to the restrictions, this is only going to get exponentially worse.

We are destroying an entire generation.

We are not saving lives with our compliance to lockdown. The numbers are clear. There has been no pandemic. We can massage the numbers in many different ways, we can try to compare this past year’s death rate to previous lighter years but the truth is in the last 20 years there have been 5 other years with higher rates. We have the presence of a virus that is affecting the same people as would be affected by any tough virus. We know who is vulnerable, we can protect that tiny population.

But the ones we are really killing are those lives who never would have been affected by the virus but are now being torn apart by the restrictions. Those who are daily losing hope and inspiration to live; who are at the very start of their lives but with no desire to continue; and those who’s life work and toil have been ripped from their hands.

Those that haven’t the tools to begin to manage the impacts of isolation, loneliness and lack of contact; those who have managed their fragile constitutions through routine and purpose and now only have chaos or limbo.

We have those who aren’t getting the medical treatment they need, because it’s not covid; they’re dying too. We have the constant degradation of our immune systems through endless fear messaging.

And all of this is in our hands. All of this is our choice too. Whether we conform to the rules and abet this heartbreaking travesty, or we stand up and restore life and humanity to our fellow beings by prioritising the core values of true living. Love, connection, community, support, autonomy, freedom….

Breaking lockdowns does not kill people; complying to them does.

#mentalhealth #lockdown #death #community #isolation #compliance #fear #suicide #humanity

First written on Social Media 24 January 2021

The Mist

In the Percy Jackson book series (by Rick Riordan and which I have been reading alongside my daughter) the mortals can’t see all the crazy that happens with the gods, demigods and monsters because of a hazy mist.

The mist distorts their perception of events so that they can remain within their comfortable concept of reality. Yet again truth seeming stranger than fiction, or perhaps just parallel, when I draw the comparison of this to our current global situation.

Occasionally, in the story, there are a few rare mortals who can look through the screen and are able to see the alternate timeline that is defining the events; indeed one could name it ‘the truth’.

Is that where we are at now in society? Is there a mist that is filtering reality into a more comfortable perception? Is it easier to see that the governments across the world are just bumbling inadequates that aren’t handling a pandemic well than wonder why, with all our expertise in so many fields, this has been mishandled so atrociously? Is it easier to think that there is a deadly virus that is beyond our body’s natural ability to handle than to take true personal responsibility for our well being? Is it easier to defame all uncomfortable opinions as ‘far right’ so that child trafficking and forced medical procedures are just manipulative propaganda rather than horrific realities that need addressing stat?

Is there really such a mist? Am I, and my tribe, blessed or cursed with the gift to see through it? Or are we the one who’s vision is filtered through a smoke screen?

I can only speak for what feels true to me and, without an element of boast, I believe I have a natural truth detector that beeps loudly. It’s not that I always know what the truth is but I generally have a fair sense of when I’m being lied to. I have many classic and retrospectively amusing examples of catching out rogue boyfriends with this inbuilt signal! (For another blog perhaps.) AND mixed in with that is a desire to always feel and believe the best in people, so it’s not as if I’ve never been deceived, but in hindsight my detector has always beeped, though I may have silenced it for the desire to believe in a brighter vision.

My lie detector started sounding in January, at the very beginning of this particular pandemic story. It was actually quite hard to justify my opinion at that point as it was predominantly intuitive, nobody had any real facts, but it was as if I was seeing through the mist with absolute clarity. Ever since, that initial vision has only been confirmed on a daily and monthly basis, I knew CV was not a virus to be afraid of. What I didn’t know was why it was being used to frighten us into submission.

I still don’t have a clear answer to that but I do feel that more layers are being peeled back and more mist is dissolving at a rate of knots. I see that the power lies beyond the puppetry of the governments and in the hands of some disturbed but powerful humans. I can see sociopathy and psychopathy on a far grander scale than I ever believed possible, though with my understanding of early years parenting, I sadly recognise how easily and naively this has been created.

But I think my biggest frustration has to be this god damn mist. How is it that so many are continuing in a narrative that denies these truths? That can swap deaths for cases and continue to drown in fear; controlled, submissive and accepting. Human rights abuses, emergency laws permitted, freedoms stripped, truths censored. Mist. Mist. Mist.

But I will take hope from the tales of Percy Jackson, where is is the few that can truly see that conquer the monsters, despite the general population not even recognising the danger they are in.

To triumph over evil takes a steadfast belief in truth, love and faith and that magical ability to see beyond the intoxicating mist of lies. And there are enough of us that can hold all of that and more as we rise to the challenge of today.

WWIII

The idea of a World War III was always a vague spectre in my consciousness. I grew up knowing that another global war would most likely mean the end of the world, nuclear battles, horror and unfathomable imagery.

Of course the world has moved on and control is no longer necessary by physical force but by psychological manipulation.

We are here right now, in the midst of WWIII.

This is a global battle of power. Minds are being won and lost at the hands of those with excessive power, ego and sociopathic ideology. More ingenious than ever, they are able to use the general populace, their foot soldiers, to form the lines of conflict, to rage and batter and beat each other with words and condemnation. All this within our own communities, on our own doorstep.

Who needs a red button? Who needs to destroy with nuclear power when we have finally realised our own individual power can be harnessed collectively for a far more efficient effect, with less environmental collateral damage.

Who needs real soldiers on the street when we can create such fear and loathing that we all police our neighbours into conforming to the new rules? For our safety.

Who needs a battlefield when the verbal bullets fly around social media, taking out the goodies and the resistance through censorship, despair and shame?

This is the final war between dark and light. Between love and hate. Between fear and faith. Truth and Lies.

It’s time to choose your side. To stand up for love, faith, truth, and light or swirl in the midst of the darkness and have your liberty, autonomy and vitally sucked out of you.

Yes the words we are hearing can be scary and yes the truth can hurt. Have courage. Step up into your noble self.

Remember our ancestors from all of our personal cultures who raised their weapons and faced their enemies head on with pride, honour and integrity. Raise your beacon of light and ride into our new future together, where love and truth always prevail.

They say I have no compassion

Yet my mind and heart are torn with concern for the decimation of our children’s well-being. The long term impact on their mental health from the hysterical fear messaging by those that are supposed to keep them safe.

They say I have no compassion

Yet my heart breaks for the elderly left alone, without touch or love; empty days to end their lives on, how does this protect them? Has anyone asked for their opinion, for their choices?

They say I have no compassion

But my soul weeps for the disconnection from humanity; masks, division, fear, compliance to arbitrary and harmful rules.

They say I have no compassion

Though I lie awake wondering how those whose livelihoods have disappeared before their eyes are putting food on the table and keeping a roof over their heads, at home and abroad.

I am so bemused by being told that decisions are for my freedom and protection when they are doing the opposite. Where education is being removed unless we submit to suffocating our children; where travel is threatened to be withheld unless we allow unnecessary medical procedures; where I am being pushed to use cashless finance, irrelevant to how that impacts our lives including that of our children and our privacy; that I am not free to roam my community without confrontation around masks, sanitiser, personal details.

How is any of this creating a more connected, loving community? I am not afraid of a virus that has the same impact of any other virus. Those that take personal responsibility for their health will survive without impact; those who are vulnerable will face the same risks from life as they always have.

They say I have no compassion but where is their compassion for all those suffering in order to ‘protect’ them?

The Beginning of Everything…

When I was twenty my right leg would start to sporadically swell. If I stood too long or sometimes just because, my calf would get tight and uncomfortable. I went to a lot of doctors, overnighted in hospital, and got no where. I was told I wasn’t dying, so…..

Two years later, I ended up going to a doctor in Dublin, where I was living at the time, for pain and discomfort in my lower abdomen. He palpated and told me I had a cyst. They took an ultrasound. This is your womb, they pointed, and that is your cyst…. they were the same size. I needed an operation because there was risk of it bursting or twisting and then I could die. Unlikely to be cancerous, but who knows until we’re in.

I came back to the UK, found a private gynaecologist (because the NHS said I would have to wait six months for surgery) who told me the cyst had been the cause of my leg swelling. A common occurrence, he said.

Key hole surgery, out later that afternoon and feeling good again in 24hrs. That was the plan.

Except the plan went wrong.

I bled out. Keyhole turned to emergency incision and four blood transfusions later, I survived.

And that became the beginning of everything….

I began to wake up to myself, my body, my health, my potential. Was it someone’s else DNA flowing through my blood? Was is the shock of trauma? Was is the closeness of death?

What I have come to understand for myself is that my health crisis was my awakening and I believe it holds that potential for many. My womb was infested with trauma from childhood abuse, it took a few years, but it has been cleansed and healed to become a bastion of rich womanly health and creative energy.

This moment in my life inspired me to understand health on levels far beyond the current model of mainstream medicine, restricted to symptoms and short term solutions.

What if we can allow all of our health crises to become the beginning of everything instead of the catastrophes of fear? What if we re frame disease as a call to reclaiming health and empowerment? What if each of these ailments is a gift of discovery?

Can you imagine the permission to be solely in charge of your own healing?

…. it’s the beginning of everything.

I Forgot

I forgot, this lifetime, I forgot.

I forgot that I had reached for this experience, this human connection, this complicated love and loss.

I forgot.

I forgot that I will always return to light. That there is ultimate safety, connection, reassurance and blinding love, always; not just waiting but present just beyond the veil.

I forgot the veil and, for this lifetime, mistook it for darkness, emptiness and fear. I forgot that it is as thin as gauze, transparent, alive, available and here. Whenever I need.

I sat here wondering how I would survive if my beautiful family, my wondrous children somehow weren’t anymore. That fear clutched at me and I thought for a moment that love could disappear, that it could be lost or broken. But I had simply forgotten.

It can never be lost or broken or far away; only forgotten.

All it takes is to remember.