Tag: Spirit

Reclaiming My Body

I have been listening to the searingly honest, heart opening & breaking podcast (on Psilocybin) by Honestly Elizabeth and much of her experience resonates for me on so many planes. 

One of the things it really crystallised was how much the sexual abuse by my father disassociated me from my body. When I reflect back on later abuses and relationships, I can see clearly how I would so often reach a point of coercion; when someone wanted more from me than I really wanted to give, in both consensual and non consensual situations, I could observe my spirit step back and allow my body to be taken. The subtlety of this is hard to describe and I think in many, if not most, of these scenarios, the man could be forgiven for believing that I had given permission rather than simply acquiescing, which would be more accurate. 

My body was a trade, I gave it, it appeased. I think this is why the ‘me too’ movement is so complex. I believe many many women surrender to appease rather than truly give permission but how can someone know that? I cannot blame all the men, certainly there were some at fault, pushy, domineering, scary even, but there were other who were sweet and thoughtful, who simply triggered my neuro-programming to submit, as my father had taught me. 

Part of my healing today is to fully reclaim my body as mine, to integrate it as an essential part of my whole. And, as is so often the case when trying to restore balance, a counter weight is required. Now, I need absolute trust, safety and respect before I can consider offering my sacred self. And I also teach my children that sharing their bodies with anyone, when they reach that age and stage of life, is a sharing of spirit and how important it is to be in loving and trusting energy with that person. 

Our society devalues sexual intimacy at great cost to our souls and it perpetuates this separation of body and spirit. The current vogue of early sexualisation of children, through media, fashion, wokism et al, is truly horrifying and when measured as a splintering of soul connection can only be classed as abuse. 

I only hope that a much needed and aching return to family values blossoms and this part of our lives, as a society, will also be restored to a healthier, happier connection before much more damage is perpetrated against our innocents. 

And as I reconnect my splintered parts, may that be mirrored into the world and draw together those elements that need healing and connecting for all of humanity. 

First published on social media on 6th February 2023

Pete

Pete is my Guardian Angel, we have communicated together for close to 20 years now and he is my connection to spirit, love, sovereignty and peace.

Until this past month I have never know him anything but fully vibrant and present to my call. I speak and he answers, most often with humour and naturally with grace.

These past few weeks he is different, just as available, just as wise, but his form is something else entirely. If I were to try and describe it with the limitations of our human language, I would say he is in a place of rejuvenation and strengthening. Where once there was always light and brightness, now is dark around him. The light emits from his centre but it is a dull glow that I can see is being charged and filled to reach its greatest and most powerful potential.

He tells me all the angels are doing this now, they are in preparation for the tsunami of loving and healing energy that is about to unleash itself upon our world. It is a battle that will be won by the light, but also requires a surge of power not seen for thousands of years.

Prepare yourselves for the coming of truth and love. It is on the horizon and shall bring a change to our human consciousness quite unfathomable and utterly Divine.

First published on social media on 9th January 2022

Happy 100th Birthday Daddy

Today would have been my father’s 100th birthday. He died over seven years ago (Goodbye Daddy) and during those years since, my relationship with him has changed and evolved so much as to be nearly unrecognisable.

He wasn’t a wonderful father on the human plane; he was a colourful, fascinating, eccentric and clever man but not one to pay real attention to his children’s needs on any level. He stopped contributing financially to my upbringing when I was around 10 (and my brother 12) leaving my mother to carry that load of food, clothes and education. I didn’t have conversations with him about my hopes and dream and feelings and that breathtaking song by Luther Vandross ‘Dance with my Father’ makes me yearn achingly, with every listen, for a father that never existed.

I could go on about his faults and failings but I have forgiven them all. For now, in spirit, he has his hand on my back with each and every step. I feel his presence so keenly in all the moments that I need him. I hear his evolved wisdom and his humble and unconditional love. He protects my children and guides our paths with all the passion of one who knows and owns how much he didn’t do during human life.

Many might struggle to hear these words, to think I have projected a wish fulfilment on an empty entity. And they could be absolutely right. But it’s not what I believe, and feel and hear and see.

I see the transformation of a spirit, who held such deep and painful wounds, become the light that they were born with. I see all the very best of his personality merge with the grace of divinity and, with that, offering to make amends with his energy and connection.

I have known a lot of death and each spirit holds their own way of being in the next plane. Some are close, some distant, some have learned all they need to, others will return for further lessons. Some are restful, some restless and some visit, whilst others have moved on and past.

My father is resolutely here and I am deeply grateful for that. So today I honour his 100th birthday with so much love, so much joy and so much peace.

Happy Birthday Daddy. 💗

Time to Fly

In the past few weeks I have been assailed by anxiety; heart racing, breath suffocating and waking for hours in the night.

This is not new to me but it has been a long time since I have experienced such a prolonged and unceasing episode.

Old habits rise up and tempt me to ease the sensations, the desire to numb (food, drugs, alcohol) or distract (replacing with the physical pain of self harm), but my commitment to myself and my children helps me to reach for the healthier soothers that I have developed over these years of healing. One tool has been the learned ability to sit with the feelings and witness them unfold rather than a trying to escape them. Ooof! A hard one but it has been enlightening to observe the trail of my thoughts in the early hours of the morning.

Another of my soothers is reading. Falling into a world of delicious and enticing fiction calms me and takes me out of my own world for while, a break from the pressure on my chest. When it’s not fiction, I choose works that inspire me to reconnect with my spirit, to bring me back to faith and trust in the Divine; words & belief that can draw me away from my obsessive and destructive anxiety spiral.

Last night, my early hours were occupied with the words of Dr Eben Alexander, a neurosurgeon, who experienced a profound NDE (Near Death Experience) that filled him with the ultimate trust in the Universe, in Love and Light. His words and description of his journey between life and death are beyond beautiful and a wonderful reminder for me to hold that bigger picture in my daily life.

When I was growing up, my mother used to say that I would need to meet somebody who could let me fly but who could also ground me. She was half right; I do need to be around people that don’t inhibit my wish to fly, to dive into the world of divinity and philosophical exploration, but the grounding she spoke of was a need to be held back into the ‘reality’ of our practical world and what I have realised over the past few weeks is that it is those details that create so much of my anxiety. Constantly pulling myself back into the minutiae of daily life, I keep forgetting my core belief of trust, I step too far into the fear of left brained conditioning and up springs my anxiety.

Eben Alexander’s ‘Proof of Heaven’ is one of those gifts that reminds me to reconnect with my spiritual reflections.

It’s time to fly.