Gratitudes – Page 2 – Soul Reflection

In Their Shoes…

This week I have been told that I am ‘inconsiderate’ and ‘unable to put myself in other people’s shoes’ by a close family member. It is a familiar pattern of criticism but certainly I think it’s important for me to reflect on it and see where my truth lies within it or indeed outside of it.

I know that I could turn to a friend or two who would say the exact opposite and hotly defend me to boot but that’s the way of the world anywhere isn’t it? There are always places where we can validate or oppose our views and beliefs, looking outside is simply seeking confirmation rather than creating a knowing.

So what is the truth within me? Once I would certainly have heard those words and believed them to be true; shamed and chastised myself for not being a good and kind person. Now I see them differently.

There is truth in them but not within me.

There is truth in them for the teller, their perception and beliefs mean that my actions and speech show those values or lack there of. I have not chosen the path that would reflect consideration for their feelings, logically that would indicate my inability to see their point of view, to step into their shoes.

Except of course life is far more nuanced and complicated than that. I have made conscious and thoughtful decisions as to why I will not choose that path that would be ‘considerate’ and indeed in the depths of that decision is, in my view, a consideration far more powerful and important that encompasses their well-being, their freedoms and my love for humanity.

I hope one day those will be seen but I recognise that it may also never happen. That I have to hold being judged whilst living my path with faith in my own integrity and also a humbleness to be able to accept that there is every possibility I could also one day be shown wrong in my perception.

Meanwhile I stand in my truth, which is to protect the freedoms of mind, body and soul for all of my family and for all of humanity. I do that without grandeur but with the small day to day decisions and choices that can seem so unnecessary, so petty, so inconsiderate without the bigger picture that I have in my eye-line.

So in the end I am grateful for the criticisms, they have forced me to reflect and have helped me clarify even more clearly that I stand by those values in the face of a thousand words of judgements. I will bear the bruising of those words because I know, in this moment, I am making the best and most considerate of decisions.

First published on social media on 24th January 2022

Wherever you go, there you are

Such a mixed bag of a book. Honestly the first half didn’t resonate wildly, I just wasn’t connecting with the words and sometimes even feeling a little divorced from his sentiment, it felt like he was writing from the male perspective on a couple of occasions whilst trying to make them fit for the female too.

And then I shifted 180 degrees with the second half. Was it my mood that had shifted? Was I just paying more attention or even being more mindful?

There I was suddenly feeling the real validity in his wisdom, the importance of seeing what is happening in the moment and experiencing it fully, good and bad. I have certainly taken home lots of tips and ways of being to help me be more present, to explore the spaces to mediate in my days; though I’m not sure I can set my alarm any earlier just yet, I maybe able to shift my waking into a more conscious start to the day. It’s workable and I know it’s important.

So lots to mull over and a good book to start the ball rolling in mindful mediation, in tandem with my more conscious breath work. All of which is entirely necessary this year as we face the impending shifts and adjustments to our society.

First published on social media on 23rd January 2022

Pete

Pete is my Guardian Angel, we have communicated together for close to 20 years now and he is my connection to spirit, love, sovereignty and peace.

Until this past month I have never know him anything but fully vibrant and present to my call. I speak and he answers, most often with humour and naturally with grace.

These past few weeks he is different, just as available, just as wise, but his form is something else entirely. If I were to try and describe it with the limitations of our human language, I would say he is in a place of rejuvenation and strengthening. Where once there was always light and brightness, now is dark around him. The light emits from his centre but it is a dull glow that I can see is being charged and filled to reach its greatest and most powerful potential.

He tells me all the angels are doing this now, they are in preparation for the tsunami of loving and healing energy that is about to unleash itself upon our world. It is a battle that will be won by the light, but also requires a surge of power not seen for thousands of years.

Prepare yourselves for the coming of truth and love. It is on the horizon and shall bring a change to our human consciousness quite unfathomable and utterly Divine.

First published on social media on 9th January 2022

Per Aspera Ad Astra

This is my family crest. Per Aspera ad Astra, Through Hardship to the Stars.

As a child, I saw this ring on the little finger of all of my mother’s family; my grandparents, my many aunts and uncles and of course, my mother. Her’s was worn thin, from the decades of continual wear, and that itself told a story.

So when I turned 21 and was gifted my own, I was filled with a sense of belonging. As with many families, there were and are plentiful woundings and traumas that weave their way through the complexity of relationships and the pathway through my family dynamics is something I have struggled with for many years. So much so, that just before I had my first child, I decided to take my ring off. I no longer liked what it represented in my mind. It felt like an elite club to which I was accepted by blood but not love. A square peg in a round hole.

So this ring has sat in a draw for over a decade, every now and again I might open the box, forgetting what was inside, and then remember. Not once did I feel like putting it on again.

Until last week. Last week I felt a deep heaviness with the state of the world. Sadness that people I once called friends could willingly choose dictates that alienate and separate society; a hit of fear as I registered the huge impact the shedding from vaccinated individuals was making on so many; despair at the ease at which many choose their own comfort over wisdom.

I had a moment of deep vulnerability and quite frankly, sheer panic. And then I remembered that so much of that, if not all, is completely out of my control. I can only bring change in myself and perhaps a reflection of that out into the world.

So I dug into my emotional toolbox, polished off my resilience, took some lung busting deep breaths and called all my angelic protection into play.

And with that came a calling to ask my ancestors to protect us on this rocky road. I was drawn back to my ring, no longer a representation of all that I am not, but a symbol of protection from all those that have gone before me, whose spirits can guide and support. And of course, with the words deeply etched, both within the gold and my heart… it is onwards I go…

Through Hardship to the Stars.

#angels #spirits #ancestors #protection #hardship #stars #family #love #courage

First Written on Social Media 16 May 2021

I Forgot

I forgot, this lifetime, I forgot.

I forgot that I had reached for this experience, this human connection, this complicated love and loss.

I forgot.

I forgot that I will always return to light. That there is ultimate safety, connection, reassurance and blinding love, always; not just waiting but present just beyond the veil.

I forgot the veil and, for this lifetime, mistook it for darkness, emptiness and fear. I forgot that it is as thin as gauze, transparent, alive, available and here. Whenever I need.

I sat here wondering how I would survive if my beautiful family, my wondrous children somehow weren’t anymore. That fear clutched at me and I thought for a moment that love could disappear, that it could be lost or broken. But I had simply forgotten.

It can never be lost or broken or far away; only forgotten.

All it takes is to remember.

Dumped On

So I was recently dumped on.

Emotionally speaking.

This week I have had three hugely frustrating conversations with various customer service representatives from three vastly different companies. All of them were unable to satisfy my enquiry because of company policy/beliefs. And with one I got a bit arsey until I brought myself into check and reminded myself that he is simply the spokesperson or, frankly, not even that, the automaton for the company. It was not his fault.

And then it happened to me.

Someone had issues with the bigger cogs of a wheel I was representing and took me out in their frustration. Everything that I was doing was wrong and causing them distress. And then they got personal too and started the whole ‘other people think this too’ about me. That I’m not doing things in the best way, that I’m not diplomatic or something enough. That I am too abrupt.

Yup. I can be. And I have spent years beating myself up on ‘not being enough’ and I spent a few days holding this energy that was hurled at me; dumped on me.

And then I remembered that I’m ok. That I am a good person, even if I am sometimes abrupt. I am kind even if I not ALWAYS diplomatic. That I am allowed to be human and flawed and that when someone is dumping, that is their shit to deal with.

As Tosha Silver said is her fabulous new book ‘It’s not your Money’: ‘This event may indeed have been Divinely orchestrated… I was even grateful to the curt lady who’d hurt my feelings. If I’d hated her, I would have missed the whole point.’

And this was me, I could hate the woman for dumping AND feel shit about myself or I could take the opportunity to recognise my vulnerability to this sort of judgement, take a deep breath and restore my soul.

All of it is a gift. All of it is a lesson worth learning.

And breathe…..

Heartbroken

A little over a year ago, my mother and I were in therapy together.

I voiced the words I feared the most.

‘I don’t feel like you love me, I feel you tolerate me.’

To which, my mother nodded and added ‘that’s because you are so difficult’.

And my heart broke

It broke so hard and so deeply that I felt swallowed by my grief. My head accepted this status, my head has compassion for the wounds of my family, but my heart….. my heart hurt beyond anything I could have imagined.

I have carried this pain gnawing at me day after day, knowing that I needed to find a way through, to accept, to surrender, to move on and past and up and over and and and and….

And I couldn’t. Because I knew I needed mother love. I knew and know that Mother Love is the most powerful and healing and soulful of loves and how was I to face the rest of my life being so undeserving of that.

I couldn’t see my way out of the darkness.

This last weekend, I left my family for four days, to explore the depths and murkiness of this pain. I stepped into a weekend of holding, healing and transformation so that I could emerge again into a space of love. And I was terrified that I wouldn’t, that no one would be able to help me.

Whilst the moments and details of these weekends are confidential, I can reveal a vignette of what I received.

I was held by a woman, loved by a woman, nurtured by a woman who channelled the power of the Divine Mother from the heavens to me. I know that I shall never forget the face of this Goddess who offered her healing to me, who showed me what it was to be wholly and unconditionally loved. It has changed me profoundly.

I experienced Kintsugi.

Kintsugi is the Japanese art & philosophy of mending pottery with the fissures of brokenness healed with gold. The pottery becomes more beautiful and of greater value from this process.

And that is what happened to my heart. My heart will always carry the cracks of its break but, just two days ago, those sharp & painful edges were filled with gold.

~~~~~~

With love and gratitude to all the Facilitators, Staff & Women from The Celebration of Women, The Goddess Workshop, Celebration of Being.

Time to Fly

In the past few weeks I have been assailed by anxiety; heart racing, breath suffocating and waking for hours in the night.

This is not new to me but it has been a long time since I have experienced such a prolonged and unceasing episode.

Old habits rise up and tempt me to ease the sensations, the desire to numb (food, drugs, alcohol) or distract (replacing with the physical pain of self harm), but my commitment to myself and my children helps me to reach for the healthier soothers that I have developed over these years of healing. One tool has been the learned ability to sit with the feelings and witness them unfold rather than a trying to escape them. Ooof! A hard one but it has been enlightening to observe the trail of my thoughts in the early hours of the morning.

Another of my soothers is reading. Falling into a world of delicious and enticing fiction calms me and takes me out of my own world for while, a break from the pressure on my chest. When it’s not fiction, I choose works that inspire me to reconnect with my spirit, to bring me back to faith and trust in the Divine; words & belief that can draw me away from my obsessive and destructive anxiety spiral.

Last night, my early hours were occupied with the words of Dr Eben Alexander, a neurosurgeon, who experienced a profound NDE (Near Death Experience) that filled him with the ultimate trust in the Universe, in Love and Light. His words and description of his journey between life and death are beyond beautiful and a wonderful reminder for me to hold that bigger picture in my daily life.

When I was growing up, my mother used to say that I would need to meet somebody who could let me fly but who could also ground me. She was half right; I do need to be around people that don’t inhibit my wish to fly, to dive into the world of divinity and philosophical exploration, but the grounding she spoke of was a need to be held back into the ‘reality’ of our practical world and what I have realised over the past few weeks is that it is those details that create so much of my anxiety. Constantly pulling myself back into the minutiae of daily life, I keep forgetting my core belief of trust, I step too far into the fear of left brained conditioning and up springs my anxiety.

Eben Alexander’s ‘Proof of Heaven’ is one of those gifts that reminds me to reconnect with my spiritual reflections.

It’s time to fly.

Slaying the Dragon

My heart felt that clutch of fear this morning as I turned on my phone to see that, by a tiny margin, we had left Europe; that our population had decided, in majority, to step away from our larger community.

I felt that brief panic of insecurity, scared for the future of my family. And then I breathed. And I remembered. There is always a gift.

In the darkest of days, there is always a light that starts as a faint glimmer, sometimes almost imperceptible, but it’s there; and it will get stronger and brighter because light always wins. Always.

So I reflected a little on why we have hit this point in our history together. Why we have chosen separatism over community. What I see is that we are divided in our country, that my friends and community all wanted to stay in Europe, that I barely knew anyone who wanted to leave and yet more than 50% of my country wanted this and I don’t know them. I am isolated in my existence by surrounding myself by only those whose thoughts and beliefs predominantly align with mine.

Here in lies the problem. If I want community, I need to reach out, to cross the borders that alienate, to find the common ground. It is easy for me to feel that my liberal views are inclusive but not if they are making other people’s views wrong.

So what is the gift of today for our country? To spend time seeking out those that we fear, that represent our darkest anxieties and our repressed shadows and find a way to love them, find a way to create a real community, rich in the diversity of thoughts and feelings. Only then can we manifest the global community that we crave, only when our own back yard is in order, when the fences are down and the feasting between neighbours commences, then we truly claim our liberal and loving titles.

We are a country built on legends not least that of George and the Dragon. It is time that we slay our metaphorical dragon, that of fear. Rise up Knights (of all genders!), rise up and face the challenges ahead by conquering our demons within and without.

Love and Light ALWAYS shine the brightest in the end.

Love Linguistics

2016 is the year of love, absent and present.

I started the year in a place in my relationship that, whilst knowing cerebrally that my husband loved me, I couldn’t feel it. I felt unloved.

Added to this ache was a gnawing sense that my daughter couldn’t feel my love, that no matter what I did for her she was tetchy and upset. I truly believe children can fare many life storms as long as they feel deeply loved, yet I was sensing that my darling girl felt empty despite my absolute adoration. How could this be?

Thankfully a dear friend directed me towards the work of Gary Chapman and his ‘5 love languages’ for couples and for children.

What a revelation! How could I have lived till nearly 40 (it’s the big one this year!) and not have understood these crucial love languages?

To précis his work (which I cannot recommend highly enough), each of us needs to have a full love ‘tank’ in order to be at our emotional best. This tank is filled by receiving love in 5 different forms, but, from age 5 upwards, we usually utilise one (or two) of these ways as our primary expression of love.

The 5 languages are quality time, physical touch, acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation.

Before even reading the book I had a moment of hallelujah when I read the 5 types. I am so clearly an ‘acts of service’ personality, I had even explained it unknowingly to a friend when discussing my daughter – how does she not know I love her when I get her to all her classes and desires on time with the right outfits, snacks and accessories! This was me showing her how important she is to me. But she is not an ‘acts of service’ love-receiver and here is the crux.

As Gary Chapman explains, once we move beyond our honeymoon love fest, both in relationship and parenting, and we settle into our own spaces and habits, we need to speak the same language in order to top up our tanks. Without this we end up like a Chinese man and a French woman trying to sustain connection without learning each other’s language.

Such a simple concept and yet so indefatigably important.

As with the Chinese & French couple, it is a choice they make to learn each other’s language. It may not be easy to speak, but if connection is desired, it is really the only way.

So I started to speak the love languages of my husband and daughter; and my husband began to speak mine.

The change in our household has been near instant. From feelings of sadness, desperation and alienation to connection, love, vibrancy and happiness. This. Just from dialling in to each other’s beings.

My daughter now comes and curls and folds herself into me just as she used to…. Absolute bliss. My husband and I are enjoying the lightness and humour of love again.

I am beyond grateful for this work and I wish is were a curriculum subject at school. I believe these linguistics to be part of the foundation of a happy society; connection across borders on all levels.

So let’s study on….. let’s Love on…….