Sleep and Sleeplessness

One of the things I love about reading books from my father’s collection is how I reach back in time to thoughts and wisdom often now supplanted by modern theory. One of the elements that I find lacking in current scientific discourse is the spiritual and unknown aspects of life, whereas work from the early 1900’s so often has a greater holistic and curious perspective which feels much more aligned to reality to me.

This delightful book is chock full of wonderful nuggets of wisdom, particularly as both my daughter and I have a tendency for sleep disturbance and insomnia. (Though I might have to investigate further the theory that cucumbers are a potential cause of nightmares before I can concur on that one!)

It was also full of fascinating tales of premonitions or subconscious wisdom being imparted through dreams, from lost treasures found, to deaths felt before news had arrived. The sort of stories that utterly entrance me and are far too numerous and detailed to be able to be dismissed as mere coincidence.

And in conclusion, after much practical analysis, the author also highlights how important faith and prayer is for the peace of mind required for a good and restful night’s sleep. Now that is the kind of scientific ponderings that I can really relate to.

First published on social media on 14th August 2022

Toxic Silence

‘Send them to Coventry’ is a phrase that found gravitas within military circles but swiftly moved into the echelons of military families and typically boarding school’s bizarre peer on peer punishment regime. 

Just reading any old Enid Blyton reflects how, not only accepted, but rated and applauded such exiles were. Someone does something you judge to be wrong and you stop speaking to them for a period of time (days, weeks or even months) and be sure to actively ignore them too if they try to approach you. This is a celebrated technique with certain sections of society and it was only the other day that I connected the dots between my family’s boarding school history and this form of punishment that is so frequently and unkindly used. 

I have lost count of the number of times I have been exiled. I now no longer attempt repatriation in the way I used to. I know someday there will be contact and no mention of the exile, or the reasons for it, will take place. This is the acceptance I have had to reach if I want both to stay sane and also to remain at least distantly connected to certain family members. 

It is no wonder that I ‘over talk’, I wish to resolve things even if that is uncomfortable and messy and sometimes difficult. I will stay up all night with you or have the conversation on repeat for endless days or, even if it is too hard, I will at least tell you that I need space or time or a break until we broach the issue again. What I won’t do is ignore you and when we finally speak again pretend it’s never happened. I have ghosted people in the past, habits were trained into me, but fundamentally if I love you, I will fight for us. 

Silence of this kind is toxic. 

When my father died nearly a decade ago, my kids were both under five. They heard me say I was going to view my father’s body and asked to come too. I didn’t know the best thing to do, would this be healthy or traumatic? So I phone the undertaker and asked their advice. They told me that as the children had asked, the should come. They sagely said, children will make up far worse things in their head, if they are told they can’t, than the actual reality. 

Such great wisdom that I have carried across many life moments with my kids and is so pertinent here too. The silences I have endured from childhood on, have meant that I have imagined the worst of feelings being thought about me. The reality of a tough confrontation always ends with a deeper understanding of each other, often more compassion and a broader perspective. Toxic silence just leaves a chasm of darkness and imaginings that linger and swirl. 

I think the patterns are too hard to break in my family but I’m grateful to recognise their origins and my reactions. I am sensitive to even brief withdrawals of friendship and affection, easily triggered from this conditioning, but awareness is everything and now I can talk myself through it more sanely. 

And as with all of these dynamic challenges

I am grateful for the gifts they bring, everything I have suffered through brings me greater soul wisdom and deeper expansion of my understanding and compassion for other’s stories. I am a better human because if it all. 

First published on social media on 9th August 2022

Brutal

Ageing is brutal. I am determined to age gracefully, I look at the effects of cosmetic procedures later down the line and I know I don’t want that aesthetically, even if I could consider stuffing all those poisons into my body, which I can’t. 

But these middle-ground years, before all those procedures take their hideous effects, my social peers are looking decidedly smoother and perter and younger than me. 

Twinned with the bloom of my soon to be teen daughter, flawless, lithe and utterly divine, I am super conscious of my need for good lighting and flattering angles to find a picture that resembles who I remember myself to be.  

Because I was pretty, not head turning beautiful, but enough to walk confidently through a bar and feel appreciated. I also used it, it was a tool, a manipulation, sometimes even a weapon. Before I discovered my greater passions of motherhood, health and truth, my looks were my validity in the world. 

And so ageing is brutal. 

Even though I don’t value my beauty through the same lens, it was still part of my history and my arsenal and to see it shift and change with Father Time, to catch that glance in the mirror and double take, because in my head I’m still twenty something, it’s hard. 

I’m not going to lie. I struggle with it. Especially in the context of our society with the anti-ageing terrifying cosmetics that are marketed so intensely. I don’t subscribe to the philosophy of them, but it’s hard to hold the faith and trust when all around are justifying the distortion of our features as empowering. 

I know this is false, in fact it makes me cringe and laugh to hear these ‘feminists’ claim they are spending their money, time and body because they’re the ultimate version of empowerment. It’s all backwards and messed up. I know this. 

And I used to be pretty, young and fresh. Even without this insane pressure, I think I would struggle to lose what was once my superpower. Superficial? Yes. But part of my trauma survival, part of the fabric that got me to today, yes. I can’t deny it, remove it, change it. 

I can only keep learning to love each wrinkle, each saggy bit, each pigment change. I want my children to know that ageing is so much more than visual, that is brings experience and wisdom and compassion too. And I want to represent all of that in the lines on my face, the sadness, the laughter, the life well lived and loved. Because, honestly, when I see an elderly person with all of that, they are nothing short of beautiful. 

In the meantime I have to ride out the transition. And I’m finding it a little brutal.  

First published on social media on 3rd June 2022

The Greatest Secret

I love manifesting and I’m pretty good at it, with non attachment ideals. And I also have work to do on my limiting beliefs. I read Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret, a manifesting bible, in the early days of my marriage (I believe it came on honeymoon!) and was interested to read The Greatest Secret, wondering where it would take me next.

Well to a whole other level is the truth of it. And not comfortably so either. Because really I know what she’s saying in this book is absolutely true and I’m also attached to my very human experience of the world so stepping up to this feels daunting. Shall I explain a little more or leave you cryptically dangling?

Succinctly, it’s about remembering our eternal energy that has been in existence forever, that has experienced and knows all. And by remembering we can view and live our human journey with the reassurance of the bigger picture, enabling us to disentangle from dwelling on the challenges as negative rather allowing just what is.

There are moments when I have touched this place and have sat in the flow of awareness and life with blissful appreciation. But I have not sustained that by virtue of being pulled back into one drama, one trigger, or another.

This book is the guide to inhabiting that place more consistently and consciously. It’s a practice that requires consistency and effort to become habit, with the photographed affirmation a clear link to that. I’m not there yet but I have certainly stepped out of some dramas with ease and Grace by utilising the methods prescribed and how wonderful it will be to continue down this trajectory.

I just have to remember to breathe.

First published on social media on 30th May 2022

Bechamp or Pasteur

‘It has indeed become the fashion for humanity to consider itself wiser than – choose which name you will – Nature or Providence.’

Ethel D Hume, Bechamp or Pasteur

There are moments, such as these, when I am grateful for the biology and chemistry A-levels that I studied for, nearly 30 years ago. Dredged from the depths of my memories, they were helpful in staying on track with the exploration of the work of these two scientists, Bechamp and Pasteur. 

Pasteur is widely credited as a founder of modern science and medicine (despite not being a medical doctor himself) both with the concept of the Germ theory and with the launch of our vaccine passion. 

Unfortunately, it turns out he was a bit of a charlatan. The Bill Gates of his day, clever at manipulating information, plagiarising ideas and shaking hands with the right people, aka Napoleon. He knew how to sell a concept, no matter if he was contradicting himself, had little evidence or was even causing deaths. 

Ethel Hume carefully lays out all the evidence, the comparative work of these two men, who said it first, and who held the greater integrity. But beyond the politics, lies the real truths about how and why we really get sick – via germs or due to the terrain of our environment and bodies. 

Experientially I know the answer to this but sadly there is so much investment, on so many levels, based on the germ theory of illness that our individual examples fall short of their power. This book places the facts in a line but I wonder how many dare to open their hearts and minds to another paradigm and are willing to read and absorb this data?

I would hope many, I fear far too few. Not least it concludes by highlighting the propaganda used around the anthrax and  rabies vaxx, where a death within 15 days of the shot was not counted as a death from the shot. Remind you of anything? 150 years ago and still going strong. Isn’t it time to awaken to the true science rather than the popular one?  

First published on social media on 12th May 2022

Days Like These

Some days are like this…. When you break your new juicer by dropping a metal cocktail spoon into it! Or by scratching your car along the column of a tight car park. Or of hearing of the death of a friend from days long gone, but held dear, taken far too young and leaving behind a small child. Ooof some days like these are just too much and too everything and they are just to be borne with as much grace and calm as possible. Which I think is the only thing I did manage to achieve today, but there are still hours before bed for that to go haywire too. It was written in the stars and is the tapestry of life and I can’t wait for tomorrow’s sun to bring a fresh day.

First published on social media on 28th April 2022

Teen Rites

Rites of passage have been a dinner table discussion for all sorts of reasons recently, but one thing I am clear on is that they are a vital part of life development and growth and are also sadly missing or distorted in much of modern society. 

A rite of passage marks the transition from one phase or stage of life to another whether that’s into parenthood & birth, puberty, marriage, death or other smaller leaps into relationships, careers et al. So few of these are honoured with the necessary gravitas, the acknowledgment of change and the challenges that they bring. Lack of acknowledgment is one of the main causes of unresolved feelings stagnating in our bodies and spirits. Simply naming, facing, owning, expressing can change energy from fear/shame/loss to hope/growth/life and even joy. 

So it is really important to me to bless and honour the transitions within my family with the appropriate rites of passage, which are unique to the protagonist and age dependent. The core theme is to be challenged, to move across a boundary, to face a fear and to be celebrated crossing the line. 

My eldest is the first to hit such a marker. There will be more to come with the shifts into puberty but this beginning is a toe into the teens. And with that came the much longed for, and also much feared (for pain and blood are not easy for this soul) ear piercing. 

So we made it an event. All the family shared in celebrating this moment, holding the nerves, breathing, loving and rejoicing. 

I can imagine many could consider this insignificant but I know we made a memory today that will be treasured for a lifetime and is cast with a shine of positive, courageous actions. It’s the little things that nurture our beautiful humans to blossom into their very best. And it was wonderful fun too! 

(Helped by the amazing team at #mariatash #harrods who gave such kind, warm and utterly professional service.)

First published on social media on 26th April 2022

Blackout

I could have written this book. Okay, I couldn’t because the research behind it is phenomenal and I’m more of an ‘intuitive reactor where I discover the data after the event’ type, whereas Candace has all the facts at her fingertips. 

But basically we are singing from the same song sheet, where radical personal accountability and responsibility married with resilience is the name of the game AND the necessary requirement for our society to start healing and moving forward. This blame/victim culture is killing our humanity, divorcing us from the strength of community and leaving us weak and exposed to the corrupt powers that be who wish to determine our paths. 

We need to stop falling for these labels and movements like #metoo, BLM, white supremacy, Covid paranoia; that imitate the collective, communal tribal energies but are actually false trails into darkness, disconnect and disempowerment. 

This book maybe highlighting the real struggles for Black America (and boy it was an enlightening journey of understanding) but the truth is it is entirely relevant for Western society everywhere. We need to claim back our sovereignty fast; it’s going to be uncomfortable for many and also entirely worth the self reflection. 

Candace’s own moments of self reflection are incredibly humbling and, whilst this book needed to be written, it could only hold the power it does by the fact that she has walked both paths. She has been the victim and has reclaimed her true essence with a voice that is unmissably honest and vibrant. 

This book is a must read to balance out the swathes of manipulated messaging beings thrust into our homes and hearts and a vital stepping stone to really recover the freedoms of our birthright for all of humanity. 

First published on social media on 21st April 22

The After Life of Billy Fingers

I devoured this in two days (sometimes the predawn anxious hours have their benefits!).

I have been fascinated and drawn to connection and stories of life after death from an early age. My grandfather had the entire collection of Doris Stoke’s books in his private loo and I remember sneaking them out one long summer at their house, one by one until I was saturated with messages from the dead. Later, in my teens I was introduced to Brian Weiss and in the last decade the likes of Anita Moorjani and Eben Alexander.

There is no question in my mind that the human plane is a soul learning experience, that one day we return to bliss and love and knowing, without all the painful and important lessons we have to face here. But sometimes I loose the assurance of that when I get distracted by those very lessons and so discovering a new story, a new experience to witness, feels like an essential reminder to bring me back to centre.

Annie Kagan’s memoir is just that. An incredible story of communication with her brother, endless validation of its truth and stunning reminders of our purpose, our journey and our faith.

If you want to remember why we are here, this is it in a nutshell.

First published on social media on 10th April 2022

One River Many Wells

‘[We need to resist the] “will to quarantine” and to separate ourselves behind self-imposed walls. For this is why we were born: Men, all men, belong to each other, and he who shuts himself away diminishes himself, and he who shuts another away from him destroys himself.’

Howard Thurman, quoted from One River, Many Wells by Matthew Fox.

Many moons ago I began a course to become an interfaith minister (a person who studies all the faiths and can minister to anyone in their combination of beliefs) but the joyful and long awaited pregnancy of my first child halted that training before it could really begin. However, in true bibliophile style I had already bought all my required reading books and they have sat on my ‘to read’ shelf for quite some years until my more recent discipline to read whatever reaches the top began.

So this book, One River, Many Wells, has been my latest read and what I love so much about allowing the Universe to determine my next study, rather than my just my desire, is how extraordinarily relevant the books have been to my current standing in the world. Is that because they are guided to me or because I see the answers in any text? Both perhaps.

I have to confess I found this book quite hard going, not philosophically but in style and format. The flow wasn’t there for me and it was certainly a matter of will and stubbornness that help me complete it. That being said, there were also a plethora of golden nuggets to take away (see small selection in photos) and I love how they have touched on all aspects of my journey, from health and nutrition, breath and purpose to reflection, justice, fear and love. It encompasses life in all of its finery and challenges.

And I absolutely agree with its holding principle, divinity is the river from which all beliefs are drawn from, whatever that looks like for you. A message so important that it needs to be reiterated as much as possible, to unify and connect our souls into a web of love, compassion and forgiveness.

First published on social media on 2nd April 2022