Anarchy

‘The one who tells the stories rules the world.’

 Hopi Indian Proverb

About twenty years ago,  I read the Aquarian Conspiracy by Marilyn Ferguson, a manifesto for personal and social transformation and, within that, I loved her call for a paradigm shift in social governance.

She called for a complete rewrite on the hierarchical structure of government, to be replaced with a lattice network of expertise. Whilst I believe in a natural hierarchy within communities based on skills and wisdom, I don’t believe or support our current model of hierarchy based on power and money.

So if we move from hierarchy where do we go? Anarchy?… If hierarchy is a body of authoritative officials organised in nested ranks, anarchy becomes the state of society without an authoritative governing body. It is popular to associate anarchy with chaos and confusion, but like most mainstream narratives these day, that’s a fear definition rather than a truth.

I think I was born an anarchist… either that or trained quickly before being consciously aware! Whichever way, I have always pushed back against authority for authorities sake. I deeply respect wisdom and experience and I am so happy to sit, listen and learn from those teachers, but following arbitrary rules for the purpose of control and order, under the opinion of someone I might not respect, doesn’t sit well with me.

So I have walked my own path of peaceful anarchy for many moons. I stepped out of the expectation of defined career and indeed also of further education; I healed myself without drugs; I birthed my children at home; I refuse to inject them with toxins; I arm myself with knowledge of health rather than bowing to the authority of medical dictators; I don’t social distance in times of viral epidemics because I believe human connect to be a better protector of health.

I don’t reject or conform to any party line out of principle, but out of instinct, personal education, experience and choice. I am my own person within this global tribe of connection. I don’t believe any of my choices have harmed anyone, I am conscious of my community and loved ones but I will not give my power away.

If change is required, I will endeavour to create it without asking some body of ‘authority’ to do it on my behalf. I will not wait for permission, the only thing I will wait for is clarity, wisdom and the right moment. What I have seen this year, 2020, is a whole world waiting for permission for their lives and all I want to do is teach them the power of anarchy.

‘We have to accept personal responsibility for uplifting our lives.’

Chögyam Trungpa, Tibetan Lama

All Black Lives Matter

I am listening. I am paying attention and what I am hearing is that not all black people support the Black Lives Matter movement.

That’s not to say they don’t value the lives of all black people, or POC, but I am hearing that some feel the movement places them in the space of victim. I heard one woman say, ‘I don’t want you to acknowledge you have white privilege, because that implies that I am underprivileged and I’m not. I don’t want to be put in that world of victim.’

I also have a dear friend whose beautiful, kind, thoughtful and honest boys are followed by security around their local supermarket because of the colour of their gorgeous skin and I feel deep sadness and anger about this. I hear both of these voices and many many more.

I am not writing this to argue the point either which way, nor am I in the place to, I wouldn’t assume that position because I am on some levels truly too ignorant.

What I do know is that I’m uncomfortable being told what to do to be a ‘good’ person. I’m uncomfortable being told my views and values can’t/shouldn’t be a certain way, words are wrong, actions are wrong because someone else says so.

I abhor racism and I stand by opportunity for all (I deliberately avoid the word equal because I don’t believe anything is equal and by trying to create something that fundamentally doesn’t exist we are forcing ourselves, as global neighbours, into some sort of rigid, inflexible paradigm that just ends in frustration and anger). I will raise my children to see and stand up for injustice. Yet I struggle with positive discrimination, doesn’t the work discrimination say enough? Energetically, this is not how I feel balance is restored.

My work is all about exploring the wounds in our lives that create ‘inhuman’ behaviour, be that abuse, control, depression, mania, sexism, racism et al. Because the police officer kneeling on George Floyd’s neck was acting in an inhuman way; murder is a divorcing from our soul. I stand with and support all those that want that sort of behaviour to stop, whatever the motivation; I want to help heal our world.

I don’t want to be shamed for doing it in a way that feels soulful to me, whether that’s blacking out my Instagram or not, donating or not. I know I am listening and learning and hearing more than just one narrative on this emotive and painful issue and we all have our own way to learn and path to take.

All black lives matter to me, the ones who support the movement, the ones who don’t. All lives matter to me, especially those that are struggling, unsupported, wounded and hurting. I stand with you all, but please remember to let me follow my own unique path, just like I would like to bear witness to yours without informing you how you should be.

Being told who we must be to be a ‘good’ human is ultimately so disconnecting and alienating, which is the opposite of what is trying to be achieved. This movement doesn’t represent ALL black people, there are multiple expressions, opinions and beliefs about how this world can heal and I want to be open to hearing them all.

I am listening, I am loving, I am here. That is enough.

Collective Responsibility

When my children are present to another child’s unkind behaviour towards someone else, I teach them that if they stand by and witness this unkindness without action, then they are complicit in it. Their choice of action is to walk away, if they don’t feel safe or empowered enough to do differently, or to speak up for what they believe to be true, fair or kind.

Fortunately they are yet to really experience a scenario of group, collective bullying or indeed pressure, but it is this principle that I am hoping to instil in them; that even as a minority figure, they will stand in their truth.

When we stand by and witness injustice or errors of behaviour then I believe we bear collective responsibility for those actions. Though I would clarify that there is a difference between feeling disempowered to create any impact and the abdication of responsibility.

And so it is with our government, media and health service. Those organisational bodies that were created to serve the population; to inform us fairly; to empower us to create our best lives; to represent our values and beliefs; and to work with us to form our supportive and symbiotic society.

Are they doing this? Have they been serving us well during this time of suspected pandemic? How long have the collective been allowing them to furrow their own paths to the detriment of the populous?

Too long. Too long have we complained about governmental power, about media manipulation and god-like doctors who have long been divorced from the true and ancient art of healing. And yet we have accepted it all. We have stood by and witnessed ill treatment, gross negligence, abuse of power and the manipulation of language to engender fear and control.

We are collectively responsible. We can continue along this path, accept ever increasing restriction and removal of freedom or we can use the power of action to force accountability.  Have we forgotten that we, the population, are far stronger, far more powerful and far more collectively wise that these small, tight circles that think they can control us?

Stand up, speak up. History does not need to be repeated. We have learned our lessons. Our collective power is unlimited, let us use it for inspirational and progressive change. Now.

Disappointed

One word keeps hitting me throughout these days of lockdown.

Disappointed.

I keep trying to push it back. Reminding myself that everyone has their own unique journey, that each person has their own truth, perceptions and understandings and the best, most constructive approach is compassion.

And then the word hits me again.

I feel such deep soulful disappointment right now.

This current global lockdown is a mirror of our individual disempowerment. Disempowered in the knowledge of our own bodies and our own health; where we can be imbued with such fear from outside that we surrender all autonomy, personal freedom and potentially medical freedom to the powers that be.

I know there is a huge swathe of society that has been suppressed through economy, racism and separatism and I really compassionately understand how much harder it is for these people to step into their power without permission and support. But I’m not talking about them.

I’m talking about circles of supposedly empowered leaders and advocates. People whom I used to hear daily, speaking up for truth and health and autonomy and freedom who have utterly surrendered to this suppression in one fatally easy step. These people have disappointed me. They were once people I admired and aspired to, whether in friendship, as peers, mentors, guides or elders. I feel let down by their willingness to accept control governed by fear, not only without a fight but with an inverse righteousness towards anyone who is challenging this horrendous power play.

I see clearly that I am having to let go, that this disappointment has pierced so deeply that those relationships will forever be tainted with it and many will not survive.

A new dawn has broken and there is a profound clarity within me as to which path I must take. I can still feel all the love and compassion for the fear these people are carrying but I can no longer hold them as aspirations or role models.

I have withdrawn myself from two significant women’s groups, which were my foundation stones on my personal development journey, to let go of these was something I could never have imagined. But I know if I cling to those bodies of fear for reasons of sentimentality, I will be absorbing that energy myself.

I will sit through this disappointment, allow it to suffuse me and move through. It is time for a cleanse like no other, to empower me to stand in my passionate truth and speak up for our global and personal freedoms.

I Forgot

I forgot, this lifetime, I forgot.

I forgot that I had reached for this experience, this human connection, this complicated love and loss.

I forgot.

I forgot that I will always return to light. That there is ultimate safety, connection, reassurance and blinding love, always; not just waiting but present just beyond the veil.

I forgot the veil and, for this lifetime, mistook it for darkness, emptiness and fear. I forgot that it is as thin as gauze, transparent, alive, available and here. Whenever I need.

I sat here wondering how I would survive if my beautiful family, my wondrous children somehow weren’t anymore. That fear clutched at me and I thought for a moment that love could disappear, that it could be lost or broken. But I had simply forgotten.

It can never be lost or broken or far away; only forgotten.

All it takes is to remember.

Liberty

So far since lockdown I have deleted two friends from my FB page, I have a feeling more might follow. These people I consider to be intelligent, compassionate and open minded, yet something about the current global dynamic has shifted their perspective into an us vs them mentality. Right or wrong, black or white, no in-between. That scares me far more than a virus ever could.

I am known for my more alternative perspectives, my challenges to mainstream protocol and I speak freely about my thoughts and opinions. I believe I have that right as a human being and equally I honour the right of anyone else to express theirs no matter how much I might disagree or believe differently.

When my children squabble, they will often, and naturally, try to excuse and justify their own behaviour; ‘he said, she said’ and what I repeat ad infinitum is that it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or does it doesn’t give them the right to hurt; they can defend themselves but choosing to hurt is different.

This translates into now, defend your position and beliefs all you want, form communities and support groups, but hurting someone for holding a different voice (or race or gender…. remember this?) is not ok. Being silenced is included in this.

So unless history is to be repeated, where we submitted to not only the threats of power, but also the tell-tales of our neighbours to silence us, please ensure Liberty is sacrosanct.

Liberty is not dangerous, Oppression is.

State of Health

Our current climate is a state unprecedented in our living history. This is a first for us all. The concept of ourselves as global neighbours never more highlighted by the spread of sickness between hundreds and thousands of miles and yet nearly instantaneously.

Personally, it is telling me something about our state of health. The fear of this virus is beyond reason not because it is not having an unfathomable impact, which it is, not because there are sadly many deaths, but because the majority do not understand, are not empowered in their own health.

When my daughter was one, she had her first taste of refined sugar. I was impressed with myself that I had kept her away from it until then and felt pride that her first year had been untarnished by it, but she had to live in the real world after all, so what is a slice of cake for a one year old?

Except that her nose started running within twenty minutes. Of course, I didn’t notice that association immediately but after only a few more occasions like that I began to see the pattern.

At that time, I already had a relatively good concept of health and balanced nutrition but the immediate attempt for her little robustly healthy body to detox was a sign to dive in further.

And I am still learning, ten years later, I have more to discover and practice. I am currently reading Weston A Price’s book ‘Nutrition and Physical Degeneration’ which is the most extraordinary global study of health in the indigenous cultures that had (in the 1930’s) met little or no influence from the modern food culture. The markers of incredible health in these communities and how they deteriorate within one generation when introduced to processed flour, refined sugar and tinned produce is inescapable.

But this is my research, this is how I hold my family in good health, why my children have never required antibiotics, and my husband and I have not touched them for more than a decade. Likewise any other pharmaceutical products. No pain killers, no cold or flu medications, nothing. I am not opposed to them, I just have had no need of them. Life or Death, I would welcome the acute care; day to day I look after my family with nutrition, ancient wisdom and supportive, rather than suppressive, remedies.

I am empowered in my health and that of my children. I know that they can get sick, especially in winter time with the lack of sunshine, too much time indoors, pollution and imperfect diets (outside of my remit). And I know how to support their systems to help them heal back into good health again.

So the appearance of a new virus, no matter how virulent or hard does not scare me. I am not avoiding the possibility that we may contract it but I am prepared for it if we do.

I do see how scared other people are and I know so much of it is because they are disempowered in understanding their own health and well being. So whilst it may be wise to slow down a little, take a bit more space, remember good hygiene, most of all it’s important to learn to understand our own bodies. To discover what works for our systems and what doesn’t, what nourishes, what poisons. That fear itself represses our vitality.

Our bodies have an incredible drive for survival and can create the most extraordinary healing under the worst of circumstances; so just imagine what they could be like under the best of circumstances. Imagine how vital you could be.

But it is up to each individual to author their own life, by relying on authority to tell us how to be well, we have lost all notion of our own strength. Take the wisdom that resonates for you, listen with an open mind and heart to those whose lives are an expression of joyous health.

Learn, grow, empower yourself back to the possibility of facing times like this with assurance, trust and knowledge.

There are huge gifts waiting to be claimed from this time of dis-ease. Will you take yours?

Not Wrong, Just Different.

I have previously touched on the principle of requiring a circle, or village, of relationships to fulfil our needs.  The idea that just one or two people should or are able to hold and carry the multifarious requirements of one full lifetime of human experience is perhaps the crux of many problems.

In fact this principle has become such an obsession that the trend on social forums is to instruct each other on how to respond or be responsive towards each other. There are plentiful descriptions about ‘how to be a good friend/partner/parent/boss’ with minute instructions on what makes you good or bad; pass or fail….

But what this neglects to take into account is the principle of difference. That we are all wonderfully, uniquely varied in our gifts, attributes, strengths and, naturally, weaknesses and flaws too.

One of the most resonate compliments that my husband gives to me is that I am someone who always believes there is a way through; that there is a solution somewhere, somehow. And I do. I really believe nothing is insolvable, more deeply on an emotional level but practically too! So whilst I have realised that rescuing and saving people is dis-empowering (okay, I still do it as a sideline occasionally!), I am a great person to come to if you need some ideas, some guidance about what options might be out there to help you on your journey. If you don’t want any of that, if you want just to be heard in total silence and reverence… I might not be the best fit for the job. But here’s the critical point… that doesn’t make me wrong.  I am not going to be Jack of all Trades, good at everything, nor do I want to be. I want to be really good at things that come naturally and instinctively to me, I want to hone my skills and work towards mastery.

So what happens if you are in need of someone who is not going to even think of voicing a solution but is killing the strong and silent thang… then find that person.

Create the circle, create your own village.

I have one friend who talks nineteen to the dozen, I can barely get a word in edgewise and she is not someone that I am going to go to when I really need and want to be heard about soulful shit!  But I adore her company, she is light and engaging and kind and funny and zingy and all sorts of wondrousness…… she is very much a part of my circle and I need that energy in my life. Imagine if everyone in my life was an intense as me?! Insanity!

Now imagine if I made her wrong for being that way… imagine if I said to her ‘you never really listen to me’, ‘I don’t think you are being sensitive to my needs’, ‘please could you reflect back to me my words so that I really know you have heard me’…. I believe it would crush her and it would certainly crush our friendship. I would be trying to mould her into something that really doesn’t fit in her skin, trying to create her into something else whereas I could simply be accepting and enjoying all the gifts that she does bring.

Of course this doesn’t mean we can’t ask for what we need, consider each other’s perspectives and feelings and reflect on our own behaviour, but within that there is a place to see whether our specific needs of the moment are going to be best met and by whom. I once asked a friend, who had gone silent on my for 6 weeks, that if next time she was pissed with me she could just tell me about it rather than hit the mute button; she told me in no uncertain terms that I shouldn’t ask her to change or be different. Fair enough, she was not going to meet my needs or requirements in that side of our friendship. That was actually a deal breaker for me, I do need my circle to be upfront and clear about when I’ve done something to upset them, and I chose to walk away from that friendship for that reason, but that wasn’t about making either of us wrong, just that we weren’t a good fit.

I used to ask too much of my husband (perhaps still do!) under this principle of ‘he who must be able to support every which side of me’… until I realised what absurdity this truly was. I started to widen my circle and increase the array and variety of friendships, mentors and crazys who help all my facets sparkle as I hope I do in return. And with this choice, there is the potential to free my husband from feeling like somehow he is failing me, or not enough for me, and instead allows his own highlights to shimmer.

I would love to see this embracing of each other’s gifts and strengths replacing the homogenising pressure that social media is trying to instil through shame directed memes and articles.  Yes, walk away from those who don’t support you, whilst being careful not to dismiss those that might not be what you need for right now yet their gifts and skills might be everything to you come tomorrow, the new moon or the new decade. We are all personally responsible for seeking out our own joy, friendship and healing rather than insisting it is performed for us by the demands we set on others. Let each of us shine and glorify each other and celebrate the magical complexities of human nature. We are not wrong, we are just different.

The Other Voice

When my son was two, he was hit in the face by a beach swing in Thailand and lifted clean off the ground, resulting in a deep (though thankfully small) cut just underneath his right eye. Armed with steri-strips, cleansing alcohol and Arnica, I cleaned him up, stuck him back together and smothered him with kisses, cuddles and boob!

Even with all my loving care he still looked like he’d been 10 rounds in a MMA ring and of course garnered lots of sympathy and questions from all sorts of strangers.

One Thai man came up super close to me, whilst I was carrying my son, touched his face and said something along the lines of: ‘You are very lucky, he could be blind, you need to be more careful, so close to his eye, he could have lost his eye….’  Well, you can imagine!

This was nearly five years ago and yet what that man said came to me just last week in a moment of clarity and understanding. I replayed it in my head and a monumental epiphany smacked me hard in the solar plexus.

This man was MY other voice.

The tsunami of ‘other’ voices swiftly followed; memories, reactions, hurtful & potent words or comments. All those people I have met so far along my path, whose words felt tough to integrate (good & bad), they were all just different parts of my consciousness being expressed to me loud and clear.

When that Thai man spoke to me that day, my reaction was defence. I smiled, nodded and moved quickly away; I didn’t want to hear and more importantly I didn’t want to consider that possibility that we just so nearly missed. But he was expressing my deepest fears, he was mirroring back to me the heart-stopping moment when I saw my son’s injury and all that could have been. By rejecting it, it has slept silently in the recesses of my mind to pop up now and again in moments of anxiety or fretfulness.

Now I can look at it from another angle; I can embrace it, acknowledge it, own it.

And with that comes the potential to own all of what triggers me in another’s reaction to me. When I rail against, I am only fighting myself. We are all one consciousness; one global thought with layers upon layers of truths and lies and hopes and fears.

With that solar plexus punch I realised how deeply we are all truly connected. ‘We Are One’ is not trite patter but rich and nuanced and soulful.

Imagine if each and every time we felt that defence or trigger in hearing another perspective, we reached inside and owned it as a part of us. We do not have to live it, act it or be it, but simply acknowledge that within us all we hold the infinite potentials, the full spectrum of human nature. Within us is the possibility of our worst and best selves, by embodying that we get to choose which ones to be.

I’ll Always Worry

Twice this week, I have had comments laid at my feet that somehow my expression of mother concern is ‘too much’.

Now I agree that helicopter / smothering mummy is not a good look, nor indeed a healthy option, but judging a mama for being a mama…. now that’s just insanity.

I am always going to worry if my kids have got the right clothes when the weather changes and I’m not there. I am always going to worry that these fragile dynamics of friendships, as they twist and turn into their own unique beings, are upsetting or hurting them. I am always going to worry whether they are getting the right balance of nutrition as I insist on chicken broth and treat them with ice cream.  I am always going to worry about those times when I said ugly words or shouted too loud, that perhaps broke them a little. I am always going to worry if I’m doing the best for my children, holding strong boundaries and gifting freedom of spirit.

It’s my job.

I’m a mama.

So please don’t tell me to relax, or step back or any of those casual utterances that seem to belittle my role. Because more than anything, you don’t see how much I hold my tongue when they tell me about the kid at school who slaps or whispers; how I look at their naked limbs in the icy wind and remind myself that it’s their body; or how much guilt I feel for not knowing what I know now!

You do not see how much I let them go when I ache to hold them tight; that I find ways to help them explore risk and adventure when my heart is beating hard in my throat.

And when I spew my anxieties out it’s in order to clear them from my energy so that I can return to them with calm, thoughtfulness and courage.

I have worried myself into some awesome choices and discoveries as a mother. My worries have pushed me to find the hidden solution, the alternative avenue and the unique path that is creating my family.

But more than anything, these crazy, wonderful beings grew in my tummy (and even if they hadn’t), blew my world and my mind wide open to the glorious intensity of mother love and I am proud to worry about them; excited to have the responsibility of their blossoming souls; and utterly & blissfully surrendered to the knowledge that they will be front and foremost in my mind and heart for the very rest of my days.

I’ll always worry and I make no apologies for that. I have been blessed with this extraordinary job of mother and worrying is  just one small and important part of a truly magnificent whole.